User:Dr. Love/Barack Obama2

Barrack Obama continues to hide his platform behind a politcal smokescreen.

Barack Hussein Obama is a black man who, for some ill-defined reason, believes it possible that he can become President of the United States. Despite kind assurances from his peers, Senators Clinton and Edwards, that this is impossible, he persists in mounting a campaign, and has seen some degree of success.

Biography

Early Childhood

Guess which one is him.

Barack Obama was born on August 4th, 1961 in Honolulu, Hawaii. His father, a black Kenyan Muslim, seperated from his mother, a white Kansan atheist, when he was only two years old. The rest of Obama's childhood was spent bitching about his lack of a solid cultural identity, interspersed in his later years with bouts of drug and alcohol abuse, as is evidenced in his adolescent journal.

“ Dear Diary,
The guys at school keep calling me chocolate milk, then emphasizing my mixed race to make sure that I understand the joke. My white friends ask me if I'm their "brotha" or "wit dat" or "jivin', yo!" The black kids at school are more brusque; they just call me "Uncle Tom" and kick me in the groin whenever I venture too near to them. Sigh, I wonder if I shall ever find myself? *Tear* ”

Later Childhood

A young Obama. Either enraged at his lack of acceptance or stoned out of his mind. You decide.

Obama's father, hearing of his distress, decided to take him to a place where a half-white half-black child would be accepted by all: Indonesia. Obama soon became familiar with the native traditions of malnourishment and Islam, two pillars of his current character. In addition to this, Obama became generally accustomed to Indonesian cutlure. However, his heart still yearned for acceptance in America.

“ Dear Diary,
I feel that I have made myself into such an entirely different person, that those who tormented my childhood will no longer even recognize me! This means that I will be able to reinvent myself as a completely new person and become truly accepted. I mean, someone who is half black and half white? What was I thinking? But a half black half white Indonesian Muslim? That's just crazy enough to work. ”

After four years of living in a foreign country, and having acclimated himself to its customs, Obama felt that he was truly ready to make a fresh start in Hawaii, and so, in 1971, he set off to return to his native land. It was at this time that Obama began to experiment with behavior-altering substances.

Obama and drugs

Unlike the Clinton's, Obama is man enough to admit he inhaled.

Much has been made of Obama's drug use in his teenage years. Rumors abound, but it is an established fact that he was single-handedly responsible for the explosion in heroin cartels that occurred in the 1980’s, the development of American Gladiators, and every Pink Floyd album produced. It is also widely speculated that many of his greater ideas have their roots in this cannabis-filled time, but it was not until a first draft of his memoir The Audacity of Hope, written with the alternate title The Awesomosity of Toke! surfaced in 1998 that Obama was forced to publicly deny rumors that he had, during his political career, been using performance-enhancing drugs. Suspicion, especially amongst political opponents, remains fervent.

College and Early Adult Life

Barack Obama attended Columbia University in New York, Occidental College in Los Angeles, and Harvard University in Boston, receiving from each, respectively, degrees in Political Science, Advanced Bong Mechanics, and Condescencion..

After college, he decided, like most black people, to not get a job. He spent the next few years not having a career, but working with a "community group" in Chicago to help with various political initiatives. After this proved to provide little in the way of income, Obama became an "agent of change," quarters, dimes and all, working at a local McDonalds.

All the while, however, Obama kept in his sights the improvement of his community. Although he found his work in a community group satisfying on some level, he always knew he could do more. And so, Obama did what he knew would truly endear him to the common man: he went to an elite north-eastern school to earn a degree in, of course, Law.

“ Dear Diary,
Graduation day! I'm so nervous, my hat is soaked at the brim with sweat already. But I know that I'm doing the right thing. A law degree in the hands of an eloquent idealist, there's no more potent combination for the achievement of civil justice! As long as I can get past the host pronouncing my name "Barrack O-bam-a," I should be fine. Sigh, white people simply will never wrap their tongues around that name. ”

Soon after his graduation from Harvard, he returned to Chicago to fight crime and become a civil rights lawyer.

Political Career

Humble Beginnings

Obama consolidates his role as the "Black of the Blues."

After working as a civil rights lawyer, he took a job in a community activist group. This position was roughly equivalent to “political bitch.” His actual work was menial canvassing of the type every Mormon is familiar with. During this time, Obama’s lack of cultural identity solidified and became his greatest political asset.

“ Dear Diary,
Today, as I sat down to lunch, I realized that, as the only black man in the room, I represented nearly 15% of America’s population, solely by virtue of my pigmentation. As I realized how truly black I was, my hands trembled, and I almost dropped my mayonnaise sandwich into a tall glass of milk. Today, I realized what I must do to succeed in politics. ”

”Hey, black guy!”

Obama then became the Chicago Democratic Party’s first official black guy since the era of Reconstruction. It was a commanding title, and one that Obama wasted no time exploiting. Obama captured the African-American vote in Chicago for the State Legislature to such a degree that all of the black people forgot to vote for other candidates, thus resulting in the continuation of Obama’s revered status as “The Black Guy.”

Clash of the Titans

Rush at a 1966 Panthers rally. He used the same gun in an anti-Obama advertisement.

However, Obama’s privilege was not to last. In 2000 he made the mistake of challenging four-term incumbent Bobby Rush for his House seat. Rush was a man who, as a Georgia native and co-founder of the Black Panthers, had never had his blackness questioned. Some pundits predicted an upset, likening Obama to Zeus and Rush to Cronos, a comparison which gained weight when Rush attempted to eat Obama during a live debate. Despite this, Rush crushed Obama, sending him into another pathetic spiral of self-doubt.

Another pathetic spiral of self-doubt.

Obama’s period of self-loathing is worth mentioning because such a meticulous record of it has been kept, in the form of bills that he presented to the state legislature. Among these were:

• A Bill to give Barack Obama a hug.
• A Bill to establish be nice to Barack day.
• A Bill to cut Barack some slack, man.
• A Bill to just, please, leave me alone.
• A Proposition for a group cry.
• A Proposition to preface all speeches with a My Chemical Romance song.
• A Proposition to recognize that you’re all fakers man! Every one!
• A Bill to establish that none of you cared about me anyway!

Several pieces of legislation were also submitted so soaked with tears as to make them illegible.

2004 Senate Election

In 2004 Obama campaigned for, and won, a seat in the United States Senate. While Clinton staffers are certainly now scouring this page and others for information usable in an anti-Obama campaign, to provide such information would be irresponsibly boredom-inducing.

Presidential Campaign

Change

Obama, accidentally substituting a line from his previous job at McDonalds.

Obama has worked tirelessly to associate himself with such vague words as “change” and “hope.” While some deem it likely that Obama is a committed idealist, it is more likely that he forgot to build a respectable political platform, instead electing to do a bit of “Puff-Puff-Pass.” He therefore found it prudent to latch onto such blanket terms and fashion his campaign into that of the “outsider.” In a sense, Obama has been preparing for this outsider role all of his life.

Positions

Weren’t you listening? That’s just it…there are no positions, just a smokescreen. Guess what the smoke comes from?

Supporters

"Obamaniac" putting on her best "O" face

Obama has revolutionized the political arena by eschewing tried-and-true support among the elderly, instead electing to enlist young, attractive girls in his campaign. This then attracts young males, who, after joining, make the campaign seem “hip” and “with it.” Thus a veritable flood of support begins to flow into Obama’s campaign. While the tendency of all Obama supporters to call themselves “Barack-Stars” as if they coined the phrase themselves is more than infuriating, the hotness of most supporters more than compensates for this fact.

Victory in Iowa

In January of 2008, Obama won an overwhelming victory in the Iowa Caucuses, a sort of "community vote" which is renowned for its accuracy in choosing the guy who won't be president. This victory has propelled Obama to new heights of confidence. His victory is largely accredited to the 93% white state's incredulity at seeing a black man run for office, and their love of messing with the rest of the country. The ramifications of Obama's victory have yet to be fully perceived, but the endorsement of 15% of the population of a state of crazy farmers is certain to be an enormous boon to him.