User:BradE17

Brad Eldred is the biggest badass on the face of the earth. If one were to approach him (including THE Chuck Norris), one would quiver with fear and intimidation. There was once a man who thought he could take Brad in a fist fight, but Brad merely punched the air in front of him and a gust of wind knocked him 15 meters in the opposite direction.

Eldred seen at age 6

The Early Years

Infancy

Eldred was born in the city of Bandon, Oregon in 1988. During his birthing process, Eldred stood up inside his mother's womb and literally walked into the world. After making it to his mother, Eldred said to her, "Damn, it was hot as a mug in there!" At the age of 7 months, Eldred learned how to speak Chinese, read hyroglyphics, and write Arabic. At 2 years, he was fluent in 17 different languages, could solve a Rubix Cube, beat Mike Tyson in a boxing match, and dunk a basketball at regulation height.

Childhood

Eldred quickly became the nation's number-one ranked athlete in 12 different sports. He broke every one of Michael Phelps's records at age 5, broke Barry Bonds's single-season homerun record at 6, and took Jeff Gordon's job racing the DuPont car in the Winston Cup at 7 (9 years before he was legally permitted to drive). He was a millionaire by the age of 8. With his first million, he wished to buy his mother a house in Neverland. To Eldred's surprise, Neverland didn't actually exist, it was only a fictional location made up in a story. Because of this, Eldred hunted down every person involved in the creation of Peter Pan and murdered them with his left pinky toe. Settling for the next best thing, Eldred told the police and media that Michael Jackson molested him, causing him to eventually lose his house. Eldred then purchased Jackson's estate, named "Neverland Ranch." Eldred did not move with her, though, due to the fact that Eldred does not require sleep because his body functions at a super-human level. At the age of 14, entering adolescence, Eldred had made his first billion in athletic endorsements, becoming the youngest self-made billionaire in world history.

Achievements

Since the age of 14, Eldred has achieved a number of amazing feats. Some of which include:

• Restored peace in the Middle-East using the uniting power of his blues-rock guitar playing.
• Took the United States out of its multi-trillion dollar national debt using the change that he found at the bottom of his dryer.
• Won the Heisman Trophy 5 times. (He won the Heisman as a red-shirt because he totaled 50,000 yards passing in his only pre-season appearance.)
• Won 47 gold medals in the 2004 Olympic Games held in Athens, Greece. More amazingly, he did so only competing during one day of the games. Some events he won were:

Eldred (left) seen 12 minutes before breaking the homerun record.

• Swimming (Butterfly stroke)
• Basketball
• Soccer
• Beach Volleyball
• Curling

• Forced Congress to pass legislation allowing 15-year-olds to become President.
• Became President at age 15. (Eldred got bored within two hours of being sworn in and resigned; making Michael Jordan President of the United States.
• Won the Nobel Peace Prize for inventing Nuclear Bomb-proof underwear.
• Led the San Francisco Giants to a World Series victory.
• Led the Houston Texans to a Superbowl appearance. (They lost, not even Brad Eldred can make the Texans Superbowl champions).
• Drank 17 gallons of milk in 14 seconds without throwing-up.
• Bought Iraq and sold it to Iran, which Eldred had made a peaceful state after putting an end to their Nuclear development program and making them part of the United Nations.

This article would list more achievements of Eldred, but these achievements were all accomplished within one week when Eldred had the Flu and two broken legs. There isn't sufficient space on the internet to list all of Brad Eldred's achievements.

Present Day

Currently, Eldred is attending the University of Oregon, not for the education, because Eldred became smarter than every working professor employed at the age of 7 minutes, but because of the massive amount of "hot chicks" attending. Eldred is also a fan of College Basketball. During an interview with God, Eldred stated that he enjoyed College Basketball because it reminded him of his College Basketball days (Eldred was an All-American at the age of 3). Eldred is getting a degree in Political Science, which he will not use, because he has already been President, which gives him the ability to do pretty much anything he damn well pleases, including your mom.