User:Armando/Epistle to the Ephebophiliacs

Keep shtum: St Paul yesterday

The Epistle to the Ephebophilians, often shortened to Kiddie Fuckers, is the tenth book of the New Testament. Its authorship has traditionally been credited to Paul of Tarsus, aka "Saul of Tarsus", aka "Saul", aka "Paul", aka "the Amazing Colossal Apostle", aka "That Misogynistic Closet Case". Surprisingly, unlike most other Pauline letters, there is actually some chance that Paul was the person who wrote it.

Themes

The main theme of Ephebophilians is “when you're raping children, keep it quiet.”

“ If you have among you children whom you are humbling, I urge you to keep your mouths shut, for the sake of the one we call The Christ. ”

The Letter to the Ephebophilians has for centuries been a influential force on the Roman Catholic Church, which -- despite having a visceral hatred for Jews like Paul and taking great delight in torturing and murdering them -- has modelled itself around Paul's nonchalant attitude to the rape of children and on his detailed advice on how to hush it up.

“ I say to you again, it is good that you have made up a new name for yourselves, "Ephebophilians", so you can pretend that you are somehow different from your fellow Pedophilians, and so draw a false distinction so as to fudge the statistics. This shall be forever a guiding principle for the Holy Church. But it is not enough. If a child come to you bleeding from his fundamental orifice, tell him to keep his tempting little mouth shut lest his parents cast him out in to the street to be known in the biblical sense by jackals, hyenas, bears and wild dogs. And also to be eaten by them. Then give him a a shekel for some ice cream. For I tell you it gets hot down here in Galilee at this time of year. ”

Interpretations

The Epistle to the Ephebophilians is widely seen as the source of the "Semen Libel" spread by the rabid German anti-semite Martin Luther, who in his seminal book On the Jews and Their Lies and Their Kiddie-Fucking wrote "Jawohl, mein ubermenschen! Set fire to their synagogues or schools and bury and cover with dirt whatever will not burn, so that no man will ever again see a stone or cinder of them. Also, they suck the spunk out of Christian babies' cocks."

In the period after the American Civil War (1861-1865), Ephebophilians 6:5 was widely used by the Ku Klux Klan to justify the lynching of black people: "If the heat in the kitchen be too hot on account of your kiddie fucking and there be an Ethiopian among you, take a stout rope and hang him from your olive tree."

Admission that the conversion story was bullshit

More controversially, in Ephebophilians, Paul reveals that the biblical story of his own conversion was utter bullshit.

“ Surely none among you believe that steaming pile of camel dung in the so-called gospel that was falsely attributed to Luke. For that crapola was lifted wholesale from the bit in 2 Maccabees where the great persecutor Heliodorus was struck down and blinded by divine beings and converted to the faith, and thenceforth went about chewing everybody's ears off talking about Yahweh, whom you know as Jehovah and also Allah. It was also lifted from the Bacchae of Euripides, in particular the whole bit about Pentheus persecuting the followers of Dionysus and then getting struck down and converted. Yada, yada, yada. You know the story. For it is hilarity to imagine that apart from you, my friends, any more than a mustard seed's worth of Christians read their own stupid scriptures, much less the Greek classics! For I laugh out loud! ”

This revelation that has led many New Testament scholars to label Paul "a first-century L. Ron Hubbard".