Undictionary:c

	Welcome to the Undictionary, an ick!tionary of all things best left unsaid.
	A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z *

C

• Big, blue, wobbly thing that mermaids live in.
• Is for Cookie, That's good enough for me.
• The Holy .. thought to be binoculars developed by God Industries.

C Jamie

• See Jamie.

C-S-CUBED

• CS3 (pronounced "see - ess - cry") is a mediocre high-quality customer retaliation management database developed as a proprietary tool for Call Centres.

C. Ray Nagin

• Clarence Ray Nagin Jr. (hatched from a life creation pod on June 11, 1956 in New Orleans, Louisiana) is properly the Mayor of Orleans Parish and Dinner but is more commonly referred to as the Mayor of New Orleans, Louisiana, as the Parish coexists with the city. He was hired in May 2002, replacing Marc Morial. Nagin gained international prominence in 2005 as the mayor of New Orleans during and immediately following Hurricane Katrina, which devastated the city in accordance with recent Sciencetology predictions. Nagin also invented the Big Mac.

Cabbage

• The system used to determine the age of taxis.

Caber

• Another name (Scottish) for telegraph pole.
• Tosser.

Calibre

• A kind of leg brace.

Callard & Bowsers

• Cockney rhyming slang for trousers - as in "Woja fink of me Callards then me old China?"

Canadian

• A genetic mutation resulting in the crossbreeding of an Eskimo, a Yeti, Bigfoot, an Unshaven French Woman, a Moose, a Maple Tree, a Jamaican, and a Filipino Nanny. It is the product of an experiment by the British Government to create the perfect Hockey Player.
• (n.) one who lives in the mythical country known as 'Canada'.

Can-can

• Optimistic dance involving tin cans. After an accident with some solid metal blocks, hollow cans are now used and therefore the jaunty music is drowned out by the tuneless clanking of the cans.

Can't-can't

• The can't-can't is the more pessimistic brother of the can-can. Very painful if you want to try it.

Can it

• An imperative form of 'Sing', derived from the Latin word 'Canite'. If someone says this to you, they clearly love the sound of your voice.

Can opener

• A device for opening cans. Irregardless of how many you own, there will always be only one that works, and that will be the one you can't find. It usually has a huge blade rotating at 6000 revolutions per minute. It looks like a cross between a chainsaw and a nailcutter. Can openers are also highly skilled mind-control devices, capable of making their owner watch day-time sitcoms, talk shows, and even buy stupid and pointless products. Many a fondue set has been bought because of can openers.

And The British of Great Britain had the foresight to invent it at least ten years before the can. Good old us!

Candy corn

• Technically a food, although this point is debatable.

Candlejack

• Candlejack is a guy where you're not sup

Cannibalism

• The immoral and perverse act of eating cannon balls. Often a method of survival used by many adventurers who are trapped in a cannon ball factory with no food. In some cases, when a large group of people practice cannibalism they tend to become mentally ill, or prone to blowing themselves up. Please note that Cannibalism is Wrong.

Cannon balls

• The reproductive organs of the Sudanese jumping cannon. This rare and noble beast is now on the brink of extinction because of the consumption of its scrotum by cannibals. PETA has been known to blow up US Embassies in protest of this terrible threat to the animal world, but PETA is a massive group of environmentally sound fucktards.

Can

• A tin box made out of metal, for storing human meat for further generations. The idea is to open it up a few million years later, only to put it on toast and eat it.

Cantaloop

• Have you ever dug out a sewer pipe? The closer to the nasty smell you get, the happier you are, coz then you can fix it. That's Cantaloop.

Canuckada

• Canuckada is a country located in the northern part of the North American continent. It is best known for being north of Murka and for inventing snow.

Cap

• Another word for bullet point which can be busted into various things. A common usage might be something like, "Yo dawg, you really drove your points home with the way you busted those caps into your Powerpoint presentation and that Venn Dizzlegram."
• n. abbrev. (chiefly Dutch) - shortened form of 'Dutch Cap', a variety of headgear worn by women from Holland, denoting their reticence to copulate until they have had their spliff fix.

Capitalism

• To devour another country's capital. For example, America sends Godzilla to devour Tokyo daily.

Capitalists

• A strain of humanity where divorcing your conscience from what you do comes as second nature.

Capital Punishment

• Also known as PUNISHMENT. See? Capital punishment and it's all in capitals? No? How about it's a method of deterrence in international law, in which a country is punished by damaging or harming the capital. Examples include Napoleon's burning of Moscow, the fire-bombing of Tokyo and the partitioning of Berlin.
• The act of sending the capital to the corner and telling it to think about what it's done.

Capitialization

• Capitalization is the difference between 'I had to help my uncle Jack off a horse' and 'I had to help my uncle jack off a horse'. This mathematical equation is used in many computer algorithms that involve time or date.

Capture

• All your base are belong to us.

Carbon footprint

• The mark you leave on the brand new beige carpet after bringing the coal in and forgetting to remove your shoes

Card Carrying Capitalist

• All those who carry plastic credit cards ensuring all their future income will be given to people who will spend it on drugs and hookers.

Card Carrying Communist

• Financially flushed socialists working for the state or local government who believe in redistributing wealth to their bank accounts.

Card Carrying Tarot Reader

• Beware of the Hoodwinked Mug Punter !

Card collecting community

• Better known as the CCC, this is a group of acne-ridden teenagers that steal wallets for their "card" contents. They collect large numbers of these cards and package them in Booster Packs, which they then sell to their younger siblings for exuberant prices.

Currently the most popular cards are those of the Supermarket Discount Card variety, which are so coveted that Civil Wars have been waged for them in Kindergartens across the Galaxy, and especially on Mars.

Cardiac

• A Cardiac is a rare breed of vehicle-badger-hippopotamus crossbreed. Developed in a Russian lab back in the 60's, the Cardiac is a combination of a Pontiac, a badger, and a hippopotamus and makes it's home in the dense jungles of Canada. It is a voracious eater and has been known to devour condominiums whole in one or two gulps. It's teeth are highly sought by students seeking to become a Champion of the Polar Arts. Its average lifespan is roughly that of a bus stop bench in downtown New York. This short life span leads to an above-average need to mate and reproduce. As a result, a wild Cardiac is a common sight in many Canadian cities.

Countryside

• Murder of Piers Morgan.

Cardiac Arrest

• The act of being handcuffed and incarcerated by vehicle-badger-hippopotamus crossbreed.

Cardiac Caution

• When the police fibulators don't work and they have to let you go with just a caution and a slap in the face.

Cardinal

• A mascot representing approximately twenty percent of U.S. high schools. The mascot in itself is a mascot within the Catholic hierarchy. Several schools in recent years have tried to raise morale by changing their mascot to Pope only to be struck down in international courts on the grounds that "Pope" is trademarked and cannot be used without proper licensing fees paid on a weekly basis (usually Sunday and some Wednesday evenings).

Careless Hunt

• A British rock band from Cesspoole, Yorkshire, active from 1971 and onwards. Brian Damage (vocals, sandpaper) and Ronny Cocksmith (guitar) met each other in what has been described as "shady circumstances", while working at a local harmonica-tuning enterprise. Rock history was made when they auditioned bass player Nathan "Sathan" Stoop and instantly was swept away by his skillful bass licks, usually played with his - well - you get the picture. Their debut album was held back from the market due to a production error (no drummer), but after teaming up with Japanese bongo talent Izimiyagi Sudoku they released their 1973 splash hit "Got Rock?," spawning three hit-singles in the process. Selling more than 50 millions copies, critics have since deemed it "most overrated album since Michael Jackson's Bad". Strangely enough Brian Damage's 1989 solo album was titled "My Bad". Careless Hunt have since released seven live albums and four compilations and have been banned from all recording studios, because of an unpleasant collaboration with semi-legend/art-cunt Yoko Ono. They will of course get around to releasing a second album, and won't we just love them for it?
• A shaved beaver.

Caribou

• Caribou are the angels of the Outernet. They tend to the confused data and differentiate bad from good. Originally meant as a joke by Al Gore, the lord creator of all that is internet, outernet, uppernet and undernet, the 5 Cm high mechanical beasts sometimes act as Valkyrie, rescuing Data that has valiantly died in the field of digital battle (against viruses usually) and taking them to the uppernet to do battle eternally with the pornography and pr0nography that is deemed worthy to gain immediate access to the uppernet upon deletion.

Carlomottafication

• The narcissistic ruthless disregard for any other living creature other than hedonistic results.

Carnegie Mellon University

• This Pittsburg University's medical school is renowned for its program in cosmetic plastic surgery.

Carney

• Carneys are circus folk. The name originates from The Honeymooners' co-star Art Carney, who began his show business career with the Ringling Brothers as a two-headed, bearded lady with reptile skin. He later renounced that trade after a particularly scarring molting season.

He shaved, converted to the Church of Mormon and left the operating room a new man: Senator Bill Frist. His ashen face and drooping, squarish features immediately attracted people to him and yet put them off in just the right combination: the Carney was thusly born. The name has since been attributed to similarly friggin' weird-looking people.

Carpenter

• Carpenters give wood. The only known exception to this is Karen Carpenter who doesn't give wood. But she was a stick so it almost counts.

Cashew

• The sound of a nut sneezing.

Castigate

• Ancient sport of garden gate hurling.

Cat

noun. See also:Huffing

• The term used to describe a kitten that has become too old to be huffed and has spoiled[[.]]
• Small, furry, indestructible mammal created for use as a living punchbag when things go wrong in the social circle.
• A member of a family of furry mammalia clearly from some other planet. The technological prowess that cats demonstrated in navigating to this planet in its infancy regrettably has never extended to feline dexterity with the modern can opener; but this specific lack of dexterity amply testifies to feline cunning and intelligence.
• Sex toy.
• Creature used in hospitals to scan people to see if they are robots in disguise.
• The little things that get in your yard and shit everywhere and scare your dog, etc.
• It is widely known that the orange ones fuck you up real good.

Catma

• The notion of Catma is an ancient and revered tradition of believing whatever one wishes. For simple-minded round-eyes, think of it as the inverse of dogma. Catma is one of the Seven Bridge Abuttments of Zim Buddhism.

Catamaran

• An exceptionally thick feline. Sometimes served with a vanilla sauce or a spicy dip.

Cat Ballou

• Remembering that even Jane Fonda was young once.

Catapult

• An ancient weapon, developed by the Roman Empire, that is used to throw cats over large distances. The creation of this weapon came about when some smart ass discovered that cats always land feet first and that the feet of a cat are very sharp, especially when the cats are pissed off or scared shitless. Many ancient murals depict scenes of the Roman army showering their enemies with a hail storm of angry cats. While it was most common to fill a basket with ordinary house cats, shake the basket vigorously, dunk it repeatedly into a vat of water and then hurl the mass of stirred up kitties at enemies, there are also records of loading up lions and tigers and hurling those as well.

Categorically

• A word used by politicians and company board members to supposedly avoid telling a lie. It actually does not have any meaning at all. Examples: I categorically deny all charges brought against me or I categorically did not have sexual relations with that woman.

Catholic Church

• Warm up band for the Rock of Peter.
• A large group of balding male nuns.

Catholicism

• A "religion" that follows the teachings of the Irish mystic Cathol O'Lick.

Cat Stevens

• A species of feline known for it's extremely long whiskers. They are most common in the Middle East. They were originally found roaming about the US, but were eradicated during the 1980's.

Catamite

• Catamites are small , strange people who promise that they will look after your pet in their Cattery when you go on holiday. When you return home - a note will be received that Tibbles died and gave up his body to medical science - i.e. was fed to the guard dogs next door.
• Highly explosive feline

Cataract

• A Cataract is a play or theatrical performance, featuring or performed by cats.

Catastrophe

• One of the most common errors of punctuation in the feline world. If misplaced can be the cause of hissing, growling and violence.

Catatonic

• A patent remedy to assist felines in the treatement of malaria

Catholic

• A person very fond of cats.

Cauchy's Theorem

• In mathematics and especially the study of complex numbers, Cauchy's theorem is an important statement about integrals of hologrammatic functions. Basically it states that if you walk round in a circle all day, you will get no work done. Alternatively, if it is uphill to school, then you have to walk downhill home (unless you live in a very hilly district, or get a lift home). The theorem is not applicable to walking to work, or driving to school.

CCG

• Pieces of cardboard, that before ink is put on them, are worth less than a Canadian dollar. However, for some strange reason, little boys and hairy old men are attracted to these Pizza Box Rejects (Hey, that sounds like a cool band name, All Rights Reserved). They have been known to carry small amounts of lead, so keep out of the reach of children.

CCTV

• A television company notorious for making boring shows about boring people...Oh wait. That's Big Brother !

Celebrity binoculars

• Celebrity binoculars were specially designed by ancient druids from the south of England in the mid 5th century, and are subsequently a rarity among modern societies. These binoculars have magical properties and are used solely for spotting celebrities (those who are famous) and their images and/or belongings in moderately uncluttered locations, e.g. a night sky. Other properties of the binoculars are still shrouded in mystery and can only be used to a moderate extent by those who have spent approximately seven and a half decades of their life researching them.

Celibate

• A Catholic fish.

Celts

• An ancient tribe of people known for making New Age music popular in the early 1990's. They are also red-headed, and others from the UK tend to flee from them. It is unknown whether this is due to their hair color, their fiery temper, their drums, or their bagpipes. They are famous for building a round structure with gaps in the walls and no roof.

Cement shoes

• Special shoes designed by the Italian Mafia (a special fashion group) to allow one to walk on the bottom of rivers or lakes. The biggest problem with it is that it doesn't goes well with Aqualungs, so one has to take a deep breath before going down and swim all the way up before drowning.

Censorship

Pronunciation

• (n) blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah to the other end of blah blah blah with a blah but not before she LOL I am trying to fill this space with yet random stuff, of the people who also had used the stuff Redundancy is extremely superfluous, redundant, redundant, and redundant and then all three at once blah blah blah blah blah blah your mom way! blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah with a melon blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah what exactly did you expect to find here? blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah lemon curry? blah blah blah.

Center

• Mis-spelling of the word Centre

Centurion

• A native of the island group of Alpha Centauri. Centurions are believed to be the descendants of the Atlanteans. They have a half-human-half-century body that has its lower part covered with Romanian muci

Chabby

A baby who is unusually interested in down-market sports wear, smoking and bling. Traditionally, its first word will be "innit". The produce of a girl or "slag" under the age of 15.

Chain Letters

• (noun) Those annoying emails that you get, that promise you everything if you send the chain letter to everyone that you know, but never really give you anything in the end. These are sometimes believed to be a product of Satan.

Charity

• Charity (from French «charité»): A pro-active attitude of doing good deeds to people who will later hate you or take advantage of you. Charity is often performed to soothe the conscience and make up for earlier-made mistakes.
• A technique used to steal money from homeowners also see: Jehovah's witness ,Religion, Politician.

Chartreuse

• Chartreuse is an awful mixture of yellow and green, which looks somewhat like diarrhoea, crushed peas or perhaps vomit from a very sick person. Some people actually have chartreuse as their favorite color. I don't know why.
• French weepy ballad singer who can produce the effects listed in option (1).

Chat room

• Chat rooms are also known as chat channels. It depends on your connection to reality as to which term you prefer to use. People who go outside to travel to another building^* and there pick a room to talk a bit prefer to use the term chat rooms. Normal people, however, usually sit inside, and watch television, zapping between the channels. Those people prefer to use the term chat channels.

^* You can also define chat rooms in your current building, but that's just a very small part of all potentially available chat rooms.

• A place to post hit lists and hate mail. Guys also use this to find a date. Unfortunately these guys always look like they have volcanoes erupting on their faces.

Chav

noun.

• A Low class human.
• A once-secret high Masonic ranking.
• Chav is a slang term which has been in wide use throughout the United Kingdom since 2004. It refers to a subcultural stereotype of a person with fashions such as flashy 'bling' jewellery and counterfeit designer clothes or sportswear, an uneducated, uncultured, impoverished background, a tendency to congregate around places such as fast-food outlets, bus stops, or other shopping areas, and a culture of antisocial behavior.
• Council House Animal Vermin.
• The stage of human evolution that came before the human.
  1. Someone who uses there head only as a plug to stop crap from getting in there neck.

Cheating

• Cheating is a form of winning where the 'cheater' thinks up the best and easiest way to win a challenge.
• To have sex with a cheetah.

Checkuary

• The thirteenth month of the year. Begins New Year's Day and ends when a person stops absentmindedly writing the old year on his checks.

Cheese, and all things cheesy

• A solid food prepared from the pressed curd of milk, often seasoned and aged.
• A molded mass of this substance.
• Something resembling this substance in shape or consistency.

Often used in many dishes such as: Cheesecake, Cheese toasties, Cheeseballs, Cheesy Poofs, wotsits, nachos and many other things not to be confused with older brothers, parents, or teachers who try to be funny, and butter.

Chewing gum

• A strange chemical element that, combined with other substances, is to be found below every desk and table. In its pure state, it belongs to the periodic table with the symbol Cg (chewimis gumminus). Usually changes color and texture as the years go by. Scientists are now researching the possibility that it may have a life of its own since it is commonly found in people's hair.

Chick Magnet

• A device for attracting large numbers of juvenile farmbirds and/or attractive young women. As a consequence of Maxwell's Equations, however, chick magnets cannot do any work. Don't leave it on your fridge or 'Mr Cool' will get first dibs on your dates. See also Chick Electromagnet.

Chicken Brutus Salad

• A mixture of virtue, parody and bloody self interest. This dish should only be served with Chicken Caesar IF you want your party guests to kill each other before dessert.

Chicken Caesar salad

• Chicken Caesar Salad is a salad made of lettuce, chicken, and vanilla ice cream. It was invented by Marcus "Chicken" Caesar during the siege of Wome by the Vandals, when these three ingredients were the only foodstuffs remaining in the city. Although the Vandals eventually sacked the city and defeated the Womans, they found the salad to their liking and subsequently spread the recipe throughout the world.

Chicken In A Basket Case

• A delicacy served at restaurants for the seriously mad only.

Chicken scratch

The random scratches of chickens made in dirt. These scratches are actually the chicken's attempt to communicate with the mentally inferior human species, who are incapable of understanding the chicken's vastly more complex method of writing. Some have described Uncyclopedia's contents as nothing more than virtual chicken scratch. This is generally perceived as a compliment.

Chinese Chicken

• A type of chicken that, unlike there name suggests, originate from Japan. Easily identified from other breeds of chicken as they are the only ones with baseball caps and carrying cameras. They are also the only ones that fly without dropping random objects, such as their film.
• colloquial: Any meat producing animal such as pigeons, squirrels, rats, etc. found within a one-mile radius of a Chinese restaurant.

Chinsword

• A genetic defect that causes an individuals chin to grow out to extraordinary lengths and become pointed at the tip and sharpened along the sides.

Chip and Pin

• A move in football (Soccer) where the player kicks the ball over an opponent and then falls on top of them if they can't get to it in time to collect and run towards goal . Not to be confused with Chip and Whine where you don't even bother to chase the ball and claim you were fouled trying to follow up . Also called doing the 'Ronaldo' after the Portuguese/Manchester United football player.

Chipmunk

• A furry creature that wears a habit and is said to be the only species outside of the pedophile to be allowed to enter the monasteries of the Catholic Church.
• Really that Televangelist with big teeth in disguise.

Chiropractice

Preparation for going to Egypt.

Chocolate coating

• The process that allows stuff to become covered in chocolate. Chocolate coating is most often applied to doughnuts, but can also be used on cakes, accordions, and historical figures such as William Shatner.

Chopsticks

• Chopsticks are musical instruments which, when hit together can play an amazing ONE NOTE!!!

Christiania

• Christiania is a place where Christians can chill out, smoke and eat vegetables.

Christianity

• A wacko scheme thought up by the government to reduce the level of crime in Great Britain.
• The only religion on Earth, apparently.
• An extreme antidote to the evil forces of Islam. Thank god christianity prevailed and the world is a better place.

Christian Rap

• A branch from Rap Music that is known to be deadly to the listener. However, some zealous Christian rebels, think that they are above the moral invalues of murder, and continue to produce their lethal compositions, such as Salsa Praise and Unplugged - The way the Church used to be. CRap Music

Christian Right

• See Christian Wrong.

Christian Wrong

• Any organisation that seeks to make burning people at the stake illegal rather than its current form, the traditional Texan approach to religious debate.

Christmas Store

• A Christmas Store is a Christmas-theme store that is open all year round except, ironically, on Christmas.

Chrysler

• Chrysler Corporation is best known for its PT Cruiser, a hatchback/van/sedan/convertible/coupe/truck that was aimed at buyers with vinyl skin, such as dummies.

Chuck Norris

• has got nothing

CIA

• (Acronym) Certified Italian Accountants, which is a government body that records tax data, in an effort to locate and apprehend those who do not pay their taxes.
  
• (Acronym) Catholic, Irish and Alcoholic

Circe Line

• A circular London tube line that can turn people into wild beasts if stuck in a tunnel. I know - I have been there and tasted FLESH. Named in honour of Greek magician who kept Odysseus chained to her make up table.

Circle Jerk

• A daisy chain gone belly up.

Circular argument

• A circular argument is an argument that is circular. Contrast this with a square discussion, which is a discussion taking on a square shape (but möbius flask-shaped controversy is right out.

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• withc onob depsell htat. sht'at otn dlsyxeic. h'ttas sdrawkcab

Clap (sound)

• The sound which one clapping hand doesn't make in a forest, in which a tree has just fallen down.

Class 12 Explosive Swiss Cheese Charges of Death

• A cheese grenade with which Private Groove inadvertently killed Corporal Soul and James Brown.

Classic

• n. (usually pronounced class-ique by idiots) severely clapped-out jalopy, used as a penis substitute for forty-something guys
• adj. cuisine eg. 'classic dish' - overpriced French slop involving foie gras and other animal entrails
• adj. chiefly lit. - unfathomable novels from some ancient century, perched on readers' bookshelves but remaining unread eg. 'Emma', 'Ulysses'
• adj. music - as in "Classical Music", used to refer to music your parents listen to

Claymore

• n. A delightful piñata that automatically offers presents to unexpected guests. The instruction "Front Toward Enemy" is helpfully labeled on the back of each one.

Clemen

• Clemen {pronounced ©£33-(\/)€n) is a portmanteau of the words clitoris and semen. It refers to the foul-smelling, yet sweet, liquid which comes out of a girl's thingy during a Female orgasm (but only if you're doing it right).

Climate

• What mountaineers do to mountains.
• The height of sexual pleasure when doing it in a cloud.

Clishay

This is a clishay tree.

• The word used to describe a completely random glitch in the matrix that can appear anywhere in the universe. They can be very small, or, very, very, very big. Clishays have been known to cause destruction everywhere, due to their... well, glitchy nature. Avoid them if possible.

Clockwise

• Clockwise - method for keeping track of time. See also: counter-clockwise.
• The understanding of how a clock works.
• Someone as clever as clock. Because processors of clocks are usually slow, a clockwise person means a very stupid one.

Clockwork

• The ultimate technology, often orange in colour. Clockwork devices will one day be able to think as quickly as men, be able to do our taxes for us, and replace actors in the theatre. H.G. Wells says that your bodily functions like eating, going to the bathroom and sleeping will be taken over by clockwork devices.

Clockwork Orange

• An anti-social windup toy.
• The name of the Dutch football team in the 1970s for their mechanical way of beating opponents.
• The forerunner of Apple Computers.

Closet

• Where fathers routinely keep their flamboyantly fruity sons when the guys come over to watch the game. Noted for its use as a flotation device during acceptance speeches at Hollywood award shows.

Closet Racist

• One who keeps his KKK regalia cleaned, neatly pressed and hung in a small room built expressly for the purpose of its safe storage. Contrast with Minutemen, who practically sleep in their costumes, but, as the term implies, are always ready for action with the mere brushing off of the odd, dried BBQ-sauce globule, not wasting time having to "suit up" for emergencies, such as spur-of-the-moment lynchings. Opposite to the Front Room Fascist for those who like to put it all out on display with their best porcelain pitbulls and copies of 'Der Sturmer'.

Clown

• Dumb painted scumbag.

Midichlorians

• Little itty bitty, tiny, small things that put the Darth in Darth Vader and the green in Yoda.

Coat

• Not goats.
• Goats are not coats. That's why that thing on your back keeps bleating.

Cobbler

• An Australian form of greeting as in "G'day cobbler!" - see also Sheila.
• Slang term for a testicle.. see COBBLERS if you want to see a pair!

Cock

• A male chicken.
• Latest form of rubber footwear.

Cockahoop

• A very serious deformity of the penis.
• A game in which one throws wooden hoops over chickens.
• The technique employed to make a Hoop ready for action. You prime it, load it and cock it.

Cockaleekie Soup

• Chef got taken short!

Cock Eye

• An eye (usually one of a human) that is infested with acne on the eyelid. If not properly medicated it will often become a cock-like, perminent bodypart pertrudein from the fold of ones eye.
• A sexual mishap usually caused by bad aim.

Cock Ring

• Where cockfights occur.

Cockroach

• A hybrid creature, half cock, half roach. They grow to be about one foot in height and have some rather nasty mandibles that can cut off an arm or a leg if you're not careful. The first cockroach was bred in 1999 by the same genetic engineers that brought you glow-in-the-dark tobacco, photosynthesis-equipped goats, and the hyphen.

Cocksucker

mmm a tasty cocksucker!

• An insult supposedly as offensive as cunt is to women.
• A resident of any Purple state. Thuper!
• Someone who tongues cocks, usually roosters or male ostriches.
• A sweet chicken-flavored treat that is very popular with the Amish.
• Brandon Mcleod

Cocksure

• The measure of one's certainty about one's cock during a cock fight.

Cocktail olives

• A footballish fruit usually found at the base of a highly uncommon, vertically erect shrubbery. The fruit are contained within an extremely shrivelled sack that surrounds the base of the shrubbery.

Cocktus

• The reproductive organ of the male Cactus. Not to be confused with Kanye West

Codependence

• What happens when a co-dependent person dies?
• Somebody else's life flashes before her eyes.

Coffee

• Somebody who is coughed upon. See also Coffer
• The skin color of someone who isn't black, but also isn't fully white. For Example: Alyx Vance

Coffee break

• The Coffee Break is a short lapse in the working day celebrated with much singing, dancing, and rejoicing.
• A break from work where no one actually drinks coffee.

Coffer

• One who coughs - See also Coffee

"Cogito Ergo Sum"

• Latin phrase. Translates as: "I think, therefore I am (a waste of space)"
• A quote from Rene Descartes, while contemplating the notion that philosophers contribute nothing to anyone and should all be burnt.

Cognaissant

• A thinking man's French breakfast pastry.

Coincidence

• To have the exact change during small cash transactions.

Coincidence theory

• A form of denial stemming from the irrational belief in the trustworthiness of political/governmental systems.

Coitus Interruptus

• Roman sexologist who was always sticking in his ruler when measuring sexual intercourse. Later his work was taken up by Christians and incorporated into the Middle Ages 'Burn in Hell' Bad Sex Guide.

Collector's Edition

• Any mass-produced, consumer item bearing these two words costs twice as much as the same item without such markings.

Collage

• Collage is the art of cutting and randomly pasting scraps of paper to another piece of paper to express an idea.

Sometimes the scraps of paper are replaced by scraps of fabric, or buttons, or miscellaneous pieces of junk that the collage-maker may have laying around. Some people use collage while scrapbooking, other people use collage instead of scrapbooking. It is a good way of getting rid of nonbiohazardous material that is an inch or less in diameter, and no more than 2 mm in thickness. Simply glue the whole thing together, and then call it art.

College

• An theorized state of nirvana where one's parents unexpectedly pay for them to get high and drunk on a regular basis while attempting to capture an elusive beast called "a future." All those who have sought this state of being have been found dead behind your mom's trailer.
• Art made from an assemblage of different forms

Cologne

• A smelly place in Germany.

Colour

• A description based on the type of light reflected by an object. Often misspelt "color", in uncivilised areas where the concept of a letter "u" is either illegal or too complex for their underdeveloped Yank minds to grasp.

Combine

• A species of alien which apparently destroyed the human race within seven hours. Luckily Jesus was reborn and somehow defeated the aliens. Name comes from the method in which a third version and storyline will not be released, but instead Jesus's life is continued in a series of episodes. Near the time of Jesus's near death, God offers an offer to join the alien forces. Sadly, Jesus ends up nearly killing God in an attempt to save the world. I don't know what else happens because I've only played the first game.

Comeback

• Sort of like backflow, but for sex.

Comets

• Comets are a fairly unintelligent form of life which are constantly being pushed around by the biggest bully ever, gravity. They suffer from severe narcolepsy, which in turn causes them to crash into planets a lot. They are responsible for many disasters, but killing the dinosaurs is not one of them. The credit for that curmudgeon goes to Mrs. Bing.

Coming and Going

• The medical description for an orgasm that is dependent on a regular power supply.

Common sense

• From Einstein's General Theory of Common sense: The most uncommon of senses, Common or Garden Sense, a close relative of the Greater Spotted Sense, was once a familiar sight around the world. Sadly it is now on the verge of extinction due to slash-and-burn habitat destruction in the late Seventies
• The abbreviated form of the phrase "Complete Nonsense".

Communist

• A bunch of pigs that walk around naked, and, in order to hide their embarrassment at forgetting to wear clothes, convince other animals to walk around naked as well. The communist ideology is to turn all creatures into slaves and ultimately to reduce the price of iPods and Microsoft products to $0.50 per unit. Also secretly avid supporters of Steven Spielberg although they can never spell his name correctly.

Compability

• Special ability of some people to make very old computers work.

Compassion

• The nominative form of the infinitive "to compass" identifying boxing an object from all directions, usually with emotion.

Compassionate Conservatism

• Compassionate conservatism is the term George Dubya Bush used to describe his ideals. This led to a debate over whether such a concept is even possible, since "conservative" is kind of like a nice way of saying "selfish elitist". Thus, this is considered an oxymoron.

Composer

• An illiterate or alexic person who communicates by writing down circles and dots.

Compound interest

• Compound interest is the act of finding something scientific interesting. It is illegal in Florida and Kansas.

Computer

• A magical device which is made up of gnomes. It then goes beep and blows up.
• The thing your on right now. Unless your on a smartphone. (See Smartphone)

Computer mouse

• A furry little rodent that is plugged into the back of a computer by its tail. You then move the rodent around on a notepad to control the whole world. It can also eat computer bugs and bread.

Concealment

• A basic strategic policy of Japanese organization, like government, company.

Concentration

• A chemical reaction produced in the outer nebula-petulum of the brain that may sometimes be erm, that can, thingy, woohoo, the games starting !!!

Also used for the creation of what one might call juicyjuice that your mother always stares at because it says "made from concentrate" and etcetra OMFG who'se in the game!

Condescending

• You don't even know what condescending means, do you? idiot.

Condiment

• A condiment is a rubber device intended for use with safe sex, providing a long-lasting, fresh taste.

It is also used to ensure one has safe lunch.

Condomininous

• An adjective to describe someone who is overly protective until, at the pivotal moment, they screw up & ruin your life. The use of the word should be carefully monitored as it is an grave insult and saying it in certain eastern European countries could result in immediate exile.
• Another word for a condom salesman representative.

Condominium

• An apartment where the furniture is made up of recycled condoms. Shortened to Condo or Condoleeza Rice.

Confoozlated

• Confused, bamboozled and discombobulated, all at once. This state usually occurs when a person is under the influence of copious amounts of drugs and/or alcohol.

Example

Do you ever consider the social effect of same-sex marriages on the national agenda?

I'm too confoozlated by that right now, buddy...

Confussed

• Confussed (not to be confused, confussed or confoozlated with "confoozlated"), derived from the words confused and fussed, is a state in which one is both annoyed and confused at the same time. If you tend to be confused for much of your life, but not bothered about it, it is unlikely that you could be described as "confussed". However, you may become confussed if this entry still doesn't make any sense to you.

Congress of Berlin

• The last of the famous 'congresses' between consenting diplomats in 1878. After that it was decided to only have Peace Treaties instead as everything had to be written in English from now on. Before that - it was all done in French and we know that means 'loose morals'.

Congress of Paris

• Emperor Napoleon III invites all the crowned heads of Europe to come over to Paris for a game of nude charades at the Tuileries Palace. Queen Victoria kept on her bloomers as she disapproved of sex before tea.

Congress of Vienna

• Napoleon gets a yellow card (Elba). Comes back and kicks the referee. Red Card (St.Helena). Everyone else happy and shat on the Liberals for causing the French Revolution in the first place.

Congruent

• Congruency is the state of being free from Grues. It is also the state of having gruency, a nasty disease that fills your mind of sexual thoughts and uncontrollable urges to have sexual relations with triangles.
• One who is fluent in Conga.

Consequence

• The process of repeatedly tricking the same person or group of people. See also gullible.
• The science of arranging prisoners according to their prisoner number.

Conservation of Awesome

• The innate ability to have your state of awesome transfered back to you no matter what form you take, so if you're a Giant Shark and you get turned into a penguin, your awesome would combine with your new form and make you just as awesome as before. All results are pretty random, because you don't know quite what makes some things so awesome, so like that penguin might have shark teeth, and that would be like scary as hell you know? Just think about it, it could like slide really fast at you and it's only tall enough to reach your waist, and that just plain sucks, considering it'd be biting whatever it could see.

Conservatizes

• Con • serv • a • tiz • es — an English-language verb meaning to take a political position which neither conserves an aspect of the status quo nor has any root in Conservative intellectual tradition and transform that position into a Conservative political position.

Usage Examples:

• Bill Kristol conservatized Woodrow Wilson's naive foreign policy.
• In 2004 George W. Bush achieved electoral victory his policy slogan Incoherent Conservatizing.

Conservatories

• Members of The Conservatory Party, a major contender in the up-coming British Generals Election.
• Part of the home where the lady of the house makes conserves (ie jams etc - aka jello for the information of residents of the US)

Consistency

• Oscar Wilde said that consistency is the last refuge of the unimaginative. We can only agree. Again and again and again.

Consolidated Metro Government of Walnut Hill Farm - Coldstream Farm - Spindletop Hall - did I already say Walnut Hill?-Lexington

• The official long form of the combined government of the city of Lexington, KY and three surrounding horse farms. Commonly known by the short form: Horseyland

Conspiracy Theory

• The government on Mars (which of course is being run by space cows) are planning to attack our igloos, thus becoming the most random phrase in the universe. They are being aided by Dick Cheney and a chicken.

All you paranoids are out to get me.

Constellation

• A bunch of stars that look like stuff, especially to stoners, hippies and anyone else who gets high and stares at the sky a lot.

Constitutional Convention

• A gathering of constitution hobbyists, amateurs and professionals for opportunities at cheap constitutional merchandise.

Construction Workers

• Workers by the road that you see pretending to accomplish something (usually by digging dirt) while they watch you dodge cones they put out there for fun. If you watch long enough, you will notice that they are actually moving the same chunk of dirt back and forth. They are not found in groups of more than 20 due to various laws. Construction workers are often found near schools, at or near intersections, by big corporate buildings, and in or near malls. They are never found near charities, churches, hospitals or government buildings. Construction workers are not to be confused with carpenters.

Contagious

• Indefinite periods of time roughly equivalent to the current lifespan of female human beings. "They haven't voted Democratic in contagious." Considered vulgar.
• Response by Paddy at school when he was asked to make a sentence with the word Contagious in - "Sean was painting his front room with a 1" brush - dad said it would take the contagious"

Contourism

• Contourism or CLER (Contour Line Education Religion) is a theology based around the belief that all topographics and land masses contain invisible lines called Contours. 'Contour' is the shortened term for Contour line which show parts of a map that are of equal height above sea level. CLER puts forward the idea that contours were created by God.

Contraband

• Contraband were a floating group of musicians who earned their humble crust by playing to Nicaraguan gorillas. A rag-tag group of troubadours, they escaped to the Los Angeles underground, but were soon discovered when their tuba player let loose a brown note, flooding the storm drains with fecal matter. Shortly after, they disbanded, but reformed briefly in 1732 to release their final albumen, "Vegetable Somoza."

Contranklement

• A descriptive noun, applied to a non-definable object or implement with an unspecified use or definition.

Coo

• A murmuring sound of a dove or pigeon, or a sound resembling it, often heard during the speeches of George W. Bush See also Twat.

Coodies

• A disease often mistaken as HIV/AIDs that is transported from a females mouth through to the males brain and respiration system, often infecting the male to spit and repeat the words "AAAHHH COOODIES!!!!!!!!!" while lying on the ground laughing.

Cook

• A primitive way of acquiring food, primarily used currently by people that are too lazy to leave the house to eat. A typical cook has a very low time value of money, as the time spent acquiring meals in this fashion takes 250% longer than the typical meal out. Some people that live outside also cook, although usually this has more to do with the distance from restaurants than mere laziness.

Cop

• Developed by Honda Corporation in the late 14th century at the secret Honda research centre on the Earth's moon, commonly referred to as TMA-1. Being constantly refurbished by prisoners with tiny hands, cops continue to be the most advanced robots on Earth. They require no chemical or electrical fuel; cops are powered by fear in humans. The name "cops" originated when they realized they had more difficulty frightening assertive females, and found that the best way to intimidate them was to "cop" a feel or, sexually assault the person.

Coprophilia

• A deep love for either Policemen or Chocolate, depending on the context of the word and the phase of the moon. It is the only word known to end in both a silent and invisible -gry, thus being the third word and solution to the ancient riddle beginning - Angry and hungry both end in -gry.

Copulate

• What you say to a Police office responding to your emergency call in a tardy fashion

Copy

• The term "copy" is a very old, highly slurred corruption of the phrase "Control C, Control V" which dates back to the 1980s BC, referring to the fact that when one duplicates an object, idea or person (through the magic of cloning), they are in fact exercising control over their Count (i.e. there are now more of them than before) and their Virginity (i.e. any entity that is duplicated is cleansed of its sins, spiritual and sexual, see the Book of Neuteronomy 18:3)

Copyright

• The reservation of rights to copy or reproduce in any way and under any circumstances, anything in writing by a named author or authors; such as the line - this line is copyright - which is © 2005 Ketlan Ossowski, so there. Any unauthorized reproduction of this line by any means will be met with legal action and a good, stern talking-to. Authority to reproduce the line will be granted on payment of a small(ish) fee to the Ketlan Ossowski Retirement Fund.

Core value

• The price you can expect to receive for the remainder of an apple after eating the bulk of it

Coquette

• A baby cock.

Corn on the cob

• The experience of having butt sex with someone that just had some corn for breakfast

Cornelius

• noun The worst male name ever in history. Kids who get that name should stab their parents for giving their kid such a horrible name.

Cornhole

• A Topological deformity within a maize kernel
• Mineshaft created for the purpose of extracting undigested maize by use of a pork probe.
• To create an aperture for the purposes of corn extraction.
• Slang term for asshole

Corona

• The best beer in the universe, next to Stella Artois.
• Someone who cuts up dead people in order to get to their sweet, sweet organs

Corporation

• An ingenious device for obtaining individual profit without individual responsibility.

Cosmic Capers Club

• The Cosmic Capers Club is a Somerset-based club used for beating Capers senseless before adding them to Pizza or salads. It is also the name of a dance involving cucumbers and income tax evasion allegations.

Cotillion

• The number of times the French surrendered, mostly to the Germans; Yes, it's a really high number.

Cotton balls

• A common nick-name in the city of Sydney, Australia
• A male cat's scrotum. When licked, they are are responsible for transmitting Genital chirpees, which originated in birds.

Council for Fresh Air

• The Council of Fresh Air has become ominously known for shamelessly promoting its anti-fish-pooping agenda. Out of regard for our nation's underwater environment, the group has pushed bans on underwater pooping for any organism through the glorious U.S. Congress (obviously holding prejudice against all of our brother fish) and recently has been successful in imposing sanctions against Mexico in hopes of curbing the refried bean supply, which is widely known to attract fish to above-water Mexican restaurants and subsequently destroy our precious underwater life-space.

Countryside

• The act of killing someone you despise.

Courtesy Call

• A telephone call that tests your courtesy.
• When receiving a courtesy call it is all too easy to tell the caller to "**** off!" Of course the courteous way of ending the conversation is simply to say "No thank you", followed by "No", "No", "No thanks", "I'm sorry, I'm not interested", "No", "No thank you".

Cow Tip

• A cow tip is a monetary gratuity given to bovine workers in the service industry. 10%-20% is considered an acceptable cow tip for a good cow who has given prompt service, shows a bit of udder, and has a nice moo. Bad cows should not be left a cow tip.

Cows

• The Almighty God of Gods. Bow down to the Almighty Cow. Known for his great skill of chomping grass, and escaping the butchers. Let us all be grass chompers together.

Cow-orker

• (noun) An acquaintance at a place of employment of who is below your social level b : an acquaintance at a place of employment who is below your mental capacity c : an acquaintance at your place of employment who earns more or less than you d : anyone you don't like (see you)
• (conditional noun) Anyone reading this over your shoulder at a place of employment
• (noun) Someone who porks cows (see Steve Ballmer)

Coyote Ugly

• When a dog has to bark up a different branch of the cannine family tree to get a date.

Crabby

• An irate taxi driver.

Crack Dealer

• A small businessman frequently found in urban areas in the United States of America and its dependent colonies.

Crack dealing originated as a franchise operation in Chicago, believed to have been founded by the Harvard economist Oscar Medellin as a way of introducing trickle-down economics to deprived areas. It has become so successful that the economies of several countries now depend upon it. The spread of the crack franchise has been extensively studied by subsequent economists and the lessons learnt have been extensively applied to, among others, the alcohol and tobacco industries, real estate dealing, and fast food chains.

Crap

• Hilariously yet not at all coincidentally crap occurs after crack dealer and just before crazy. (See rap).

Crazy

• As distinguished from insane, loony, bonkers, wacky, out of one's mind, nuts, having a screw loose, being three bricks short of a load, a few fries short of a happy meal, psychotic, off the deep end, deranged, weird, demented, mental, unhinged, disturbed,three ants short of a picnic, batty, out to lunch, maniacal, schizophrenic, mad, sick, aberrant, spastic, ready for the rubber room, cracked up, certifiable, bananas, non compos mentis, delusional, loco, berserk, balmy, soft in the head, brain-damaged, rabid, not playing with a full deck, running amok, freaked out, having the heebie-jeebies, ga-ga, or cuckoo, this word specifically refers to the state of mind one achieves after personally testing the viability of over 40 separate links in a single online dictionary entry.

Crazy? I was crazy once. They locked me in a rubber room. I died there. They buried me with bugs. Bugs? I hate bugs. Bugs drive me crazy. Crazy? I was crazy once.

Creationism

• What will that wacky Kansas State School Board think of next? "Creationism" is a wild notion that the universe was made by an "Intelligent Designer," a flamboyant Hebrew by the name of Yahweh. This is of course, false, as everyone knows that Yahweh was an INTERIOR decorator! Also, anyone who would knowingly and deliberately invent menstruation cannot be very "Intelligent." (Just kidding, God, please forgive me!)

Credit Crunch

• A delicious chocolate-coated but particularly crumbly American delicacy
• Now also a Breakfast Cearel. SLOGAN - Crunchy nut watch out credit cruch is biteing back.

Critical Leefraction

• Radical change in workflow caused by the taking of annual leave at times of crucial processing and report delivery.

Criticism

• When somebody makes it painfully clear to you how much you suck.
• You could have scrolled down to this word a little faster.
• You're not handling your mouse very well.
• I've seen five year olds type faster than you.
• Are all examples of criticism.

Croissant

• Unsocial insect of the family furiocadea known for folded butter nest, distinctive shape and disagreeable attitude.

Crossbows

• Crossbows are generally quite angry, because of anger-management issues from when all the other eating utensils picked on them as children. They did this because crossbows are widely known to have insomnia and a rare and highly contagious form of cooties.

Cross-Dresser

• Transvestites who discover that their pair of Jimmy Choos will not go with the Laura Ashley dress their mother gave them at Christmas.

Crosshatch

• Diamond pattern of yellow lines on the ground denoting an area to be kept clear
• What happens to hens when sitting on eggs activity is not going well

Cross-section (of the public)

• An angry group of people asked questions in surveys

Crucifix

• A Newspeak term, short for "crucial fix," a euphemism for killing someone. Back in 1984 when someone had wandered from the truth (see Crimethink), they were in crucial need of fixing -- they needed a crucial fix, or a crucifix. Inevitably this meant death.
• A convenient place to spend Easter

Cruelty

• A vindictive and somewhat bitter beverage.

Cubit

• Some kind of unit of measurement God is pretty big on. He didn't tell anyone what it was, so Bob The Builder just made something up that sounded about right.

Cuisinart

• A term for kitchen appliances, coined by Oprah Winfrey, to make it appear that she knew a lot about cooking.

Cult

• A cult is every other religious belief except yours. For further information, ask Jesus.
• The annual hunt and slaughter of the infamous letter T

Cult favorite

• A something (usually a movie) that one insane cult of people are obsessed with above all other things.

Cunt

• Comes from the ancient Sumerian work Knu - meaning cock-loving fat pregnant one.
• Knu became Knuut - Earth Goddess of the Celts. They liked it up the shitter too, see Whinnit.
• Knuut became CNUT, the clothing company and finally CUNT.

Curling

• An Olympic sport in which contestants lay down and, after a pistol is fired, bend slightly upwards. It is descended from the kitten hurling battle, and is closely related to bloodbath. The object of the game is to use curling irons to throw kittens toward the centre of the house of blood at the other end of an ice rink. The team with the most kittens in the house of blood wins. A highly boring, agonizing sport. No wonder Canadians love it.

Cursive

• The opposite of recursive, i.e. an acronym that makes up the first word of an acronym. E.g. GNU stands for: Gnu is Not an Ungulate. That makes a cursive acronym an acronym where none of the letters in the meaning of the acronym is itself in the acronym word. Example: XYZZY is a cursive acronym for "Linux is not Windows".
• A measure of the lateral arc of male genitalia. A penis that bends 0-30 degrees left or right is said to be slightly cursive, 31-50 degrees is somewhat cursive, 51-89 degrees highly cursive and a full 90 degrees or more, bound for atrophy.

Cursory

Where young children learn to swear.

Custard

• A bastard cousin.

Customer

• Idiot.
• An unwanted interruption to an otherwise idyllic working day.

Cutting Crew

• A group of emos. Their song "I just died in your arms tonight" is considered to be the anthem of wrist slitters everywhere.

Cut and Run

• The slogan for emo track teams.

Cyanorectophobia

• The fear of suffocation from having one's head stuffed up one's arse too long.

Cyberweb

• The cyberweb is the basic layer of infrastructure which now links all modern computers into one vast "electronic brain". It is often confused with the Internet, which, strictly speaking, is a name for just one high level protocol invented by Al Gore that enables cyberweb-connected computers to exchange pornography with one another in an orderly manner.

Cyrillic

• Russiaпs wгite cуrillic, a Буzaпtine foгm of тexт. Cyгillic leтteгs aгe гeally tнe saмe letтers as шe aгe цsEd to щrite, вut Яussians are alщays qrunк from vOdкa, so тнe text is distoгtэd accoгdiпglу. To гeaq Cyгillic уоц нave to dгiпk exacт aмouпt of тhe Vodкa drцпk bу the peЯsoп шho щrote Ciri11ic to coмpeпsaтe foг faзial distoгtionз.

Czar

• Similar to a car, only with an additional arbitrary Z that makes it hard to control.
• The leader of the USA until the early 1900s.
• The low fat, less substantial cousin of the CEASAR salad
• Julius Caesar's street name.