Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/UnNews:An Open Letter from "Protect the Overtly Offensive Foundation" (QUICK! second time)
UnNews:An Open Letter from "Protect the Overtly Offensive Foundation" [edit source]
Feedback has lead me to believe Metahumour has no place being featured under any circumstances, even if the odd article gets through. So as a result I have changed the concept of this article, but I'm concerned that it has lost something as a result. Feedback would be appreciated. Pup
- Sorry you didn't get a quickie, but I'll start peeing on it.
DAP Dame Pleb Com. Miley Spears (talk) 00:51, 1 September 2009 (UTC)
| Humour: | 8 | I love the serious tone of this article. I didn't try to look at the earlier version, because I wanted to see how this stood on its own. I think it stands very well. But I have a few suggestions, of course, or else why would I be writing this?
So what has happened to the Internet? I really like this section--great tone. I do think "misinformation and free speech" would be funnier as "free speech and misinformation," putting the punch line at the end of the sentence. I really like those first two sentences. I would like "over time the rot works its way" better as "over time all things decay," but can't say why. But "make Oscar Wilde jealous" to me is something rare on Uncyclopedia, a truly appropriate Oscar Wilde reference. I love "HowTo: Play the Bongos with your Genitalia!" That mental image is now stuck in my mind, damnit! lol (I really did lol at that title). How can you help? I didn't find this section funny, but it probably doesn't need to be as it's a transition. I was confused by the first sentence, "Below you will find an open letter that we are currently sending to your local web page hosting administrator." If it's already being sent, why should your reader send the letter? Maybe something like "Below you will find an open letter that you can send to your local web page hosting administrator." I would suggest these changes to this sentence: " Open Letter to Internet administrators: I enjoyed the letter! The form letters real groups try to get you to send sound generic, and even then they want you to personalize them. But just imagine some admin getting 500 of the same "personal" letter? I like that--it's subtly absurd and funny. I do have some nitpicky suggestions. Here it says "I get that some people go online for information. I also get that...." I think instead of "I get" I'd prefer "I understand." I think I'd like "stop the censorship spam." better as "please stop the censorship spam." I don't know if somebody who's Internet ignorant enough to say "I think the kids call them e-mail" would say "Maybe some of the Internet 'bots," which sounds like an experienced user. I would suggest you cut the electronic mail and kids references and just say "e-mail." Or, if you want to keep those references, instead of saying "internet 'bots" maybe say something like "computer robots." Also I didn't get the part about worrying about what they'd find "when they click on their favourites." Maybe instead say they're worrying about what they wouldn't find, or not finding anything, or finding their favourites gone? Also I found randomly adding obscenititties funny--but I think it would be funnier if it was just spelled obscenities. I see the "titties" reference, but to me it took away from the humour. I had to read "My teenage girlfriend’s on the Internet" twice because it didn't seem clear. Maybe "My teenage girlfriend is on the Internet." I didn't really find the footnote added anything. But all in all, I really liked your subtle humor! |
| Concept: | 8 | I liked the concept. I really am opposed to censorship because it would mean bye bye uncyclopedia! |
| Prose and formatting: | 7.5 | My comments on the prose are mostly in the humor section. I think the formatting's fine except that the spacing after your headings is inconsistent, but that's an easy fix. I do like the click on button, although I was half afraid to click on it (which I think was good). I was tempted to give you a higher score here, but I think with just a few minutes editing you can improve this a great deal. |
| Images: | 8 | I love every pic and your captions (except one). This is probably just me, but usually I like images on the left and right, like you'd find in a book, magazine, etc. But you make putting them all on the right a joke, so I like it. But I've seen the image of the two brothers (I guess) at the top just too many times for it to be funny, I think "transmitted" maybe should be "portrayed" or "displayed" or "shown," something like that, and I don't find the spelling "illettarite" funny. I would like to see that one pic and caption changed, but love the rest! |
| Miscellaneous: | 7.5 | Why 7.5? Because I think it's good enough to feature--with a few edits. It could be a little bit longer, although I don't know what specifically could be added. Sorry I'm not help there. |
| Final Score: | 39 | I actually looked at this before and liked it, and thought about PRing it then. But I knew I'd be gone and wouldn't have time to edit it for several days, and I knew you wanted a quick review. Sorry you didn't get one quicker! If you make edits to this, please put a note on my talk page because I really want to see it! |
| Reviewer: |  DAP Dame Pleb Com. Miley Spears (talk) 02:12, 1 September 2009 (UTC)
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