UnReviews:The Crimean War

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The Crimean War
Battle1.jpg
Directed by Vladimir Lenin
Written by Napoleon
Starring Josef Stalin
Borat Sagdiyev
James Bond
Produced by British Empire
Distributed by Kingdom of Sardinia
Release date 1853
Runtime 3 years
Language Russian with French and English subtitles
Budget $2,000
IMDb page


Crimean war.jpg


 

 

 

Robert "Rob" Jackson

'Are these my breasts?'

The Crimean War? What a piece of shit. I should've jus' stayed home and watched porn. It's not like me to go an' watch a movie with the family but hey, there were two nurses in tight uniforms, which was the only reason this film was any good. There was no gay-bashing and the coke wasn't going up my nose the way it should've.

Quote1.png 'Even the action was boring. They were barely touchin' each other. I've seen my pa hit ma harder.' Quote2.png ~ Rob's verdict

This film had more problems then my inbred cousin, and he/she has quite a lot. First off, they were all speaking some foreign language and the words at the bottom were in French, so I had no clue 'bout what was goin' on. Second of all, some Turkish guy was walkin' round wearing a mankini and his dick get poppin' out, my older sister, she was lovin' it. The last problem was the lack of female nudity, 'cause I'm not getting any 'round here. The last sexual activity I had was two months ago right before my sister moved out to Washington. I tried to visit her one time but couldn't find Seattle anywhere by the East coast. I went to the East cost one time, to Delaware. That place was so small, Green Bay Packers' lineman B.J. Raji probably could cover the whole state if he tripped over Maryland.

Massive boobs I'm tellin' y'all, the nurses had massive boobs.

Matilda "Punchbag" Jackson

'Are these my breasts?'

I couldn't see the movie very well. Maybe because we were sittin' at the back of the cinema or maybe because my eye swelled up. I was at home the other day, and three guys were repaintin' our bungalow. I was makin' some chilli sauce then and Mike came in. He shouts "Are you a fool, woman? Chilli sauce don't go well with chicken!" and then I tripped down the stairs, which led to my eye swellin' up.

Quote1.png 'What does chilli sauce go well with?' Quote2.png ~ Matilda's verdict


Mike loves history and told us we were gonna see film about a war. So I came along but I'm sure he was just watching porn. The whole thing was screaming and grunting and crying. Mike loves that shit. Bondage. One time he stuck eighteen hotdogs up my ass while slapping my breasts for almost six hours. And sometimes he even invites his friends around and they film it. Yeah, so I thought it was porn but then they started shooting each other and I then deduced we were watching an actual movie.

The food was good but I'm pretty sure Rob was throwing popcorn down my cleavage, just as an excuse to touch some breasts. I feel sorry for the oedipal kid, but I don't want him to go all "Marty McFly" on me.

Man, we have a dysfunctional family.

Sophie "Sugar tits" Jackson

Those actors couldn't act, but hell they were sexy. And the one with the mankini? Let's just say that was certainly a 'Turkish delight'

Quote1.png 'I hear whipped cream goes well with Turkish delight' Quote2.png ~ Sophie's verdict

'All I need now is some big Turkish kebab'

The scenes when he swims from one end of the Black Sea to the other made me think of all the times I skinny dipped with my siblin's. I remember the time last summer, and that there were tons of fish all over. We kept bumping into them and stepping on them, and then one of the guys thought he got bit by one. Then my sister said that when she was floating out in the deep part of the water, a bunch of small fish swam by her really fast and were bumping into her, and one of them swam into her vagina and got caught in there. She said it started flopping around and trying to get away but it couldn't 'cause it was stuck. She said she finally pulled it out with her fingers but it took forever to get it because its tail kept flipping back and forth and it was really slippery. Sounds like a pleasurable experience.

Back to the movie. When the Ottomans and the Russians fight, just close your eyes. The screaming and the grunting makes it sound like an orgy and the Turkish guy doesn't come back till thirty minutes late when the French fight the Russians. In this movie everyone seems to hate the Russians whereas in reality everyone hates the French. Even the French.

I also felt as if the action scenes were trying to hard to make me emotionally attached to the characters, but instead it made me wonder what people did in 1853 when they were bored. No iPhones, no TV, no gossip, no sex, no nothin'. Maybe they played Scrabble.

Mike "General" Jackson

Quote1.png 'Crime. Boy I don't know' Quote2.png ~ Mike's verdict

'All I need now is some big Turkish kebab'

What a brilliant film! Two hours of pure history and it sounded like sex! What a perfect way to end a perfect evening. The fight scenes were amazing, Napoleon on his horse resucing the British guy, the Russians fiercely defending their lives! This movie was just pure class. Not only have I been entertained but I have been amazed. The chairs were soft, yet firm and I almost got a boner from all the guns shown. I know some people are against guns because of deaths and crime but this shows guns are needed.

The fact that they only spoke Russian added class to the film, it made me feel elite and powerful and the great acting was almost the best I've ever seen. Talk about brilliant. Unlike those mothafuckin' Democrates. Mitt Romney for President! Mormons are superior! I like to think all the heroes in the film are Republican. Except for the Turkish one. I don't give a shit about him. Or the nurses. They have nice breasts but so does my daughter. And all three of my wives. That's the main thing I look at in women.

I can't wait to buy this film on high-definition blu-ray DVD with an added forty minutes with a Battle of Balaclava special, along with interviews from the cast, and the director, which I'm sure will be interesting...

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