UnNews:Universe is random, says loony
14 April 2010
TORONTO, Ontario -- Ancient Athenians contemplated the nature of the universe, developing many differing ideas and hypotheses. 2500 years later, modern man struggles with the same questions, albeit with the benefit of science.
Modern physics tells us that everything is made up of atoms, which themselves are composed of mysterious particles with names like quarks and gluons. There is also an idea that everything is composed of so-called "space-time", from which the universe arises.
Researcher, bandicoot and rap artist John Kenneth Hutchison has announced a discovery, that proves the universe acts in a random way, much like a dice game. He plans to unite the theories of Relativity and Quantum mechanics to build an anti-gravity car.
"I've vindicated Heisenberg, using this way cool microscope I invented," says Hutchinson, insane Canadian with an electronics fetish, referring to a famous disagreement between prodigious physicists Albert Einstein and Werner Heisenberg.
- John Hutchinson "I am so not a loony!" Loony Review, April 666, 2003