UnNews:Universe is random, says loony

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

14 April 2010

"Aha! God does play with dice!" The view through Hutchisons microscope.

TORONTO, Ontario -- Ancient Athenians contemplated the nature of the universe, developing many differing ideas and hypotheses. 2500 years later, modern man struggles with the same questions, albeit with the benefit of science.

Spiderman attempts to meld with Wailing Wall, but atoms get in the way.

Modern physics tells us that everything is made up of atoms, which themselves are composed of mysterious particles with names like quarks and gluons. There is also an idea that everything is composed of so-called "space-time", from which the universe arises.

John Hutchinson, voted most insane Canadian three years running.

These sorts of weird ideas come rarely, and mostly to pseudo-scientists with scizo-affective disorder. Often it is these "outliers" who dare to synthesize new ways of thinking.

Researcher, bandicoot and rap artist John Kenneth Hutchison has announced a discovery, that proves the universe acts in a random way, much like a dice game. He plans to unite the theories of Relativity and Quantum mechanics to build an anti-gravity car.

"I've vindicated Heisenberg, using this way cool microscope I invented," says Hutchinson, insane Canadian with an electronics fetish, referring to a famous disagreement between prodigious physicists Albert Einstein and Werner Heisenberg.

"At the smallest scales, everything is made up of dice, and so, everything is random," continued Hutchinson, exhaling a stream of Northern Lights smoke.

Sources

• John Hutchinson "I am so not a loony!" Loony Review, April 666, 2003