UnNews:UnNews Audio to sign Mel Gibson as anchor

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10 July 2010

Signing the famous film star (left) would surely propel UnNews Audio into the big leagues. Almost like that web site named after a vegetable.

WIKIA CITY, California -- Amid a messy contract dispute with its lead anchorman, UnNews Audio is reportedly ready to sign Mel Gibson as its new spokesman.

The respected news source has obtained, through web site RadarOnline.com, 30 minutes of audition tapes made by Gibson and ex-girlfriend Oksana Grigorieva. In the tapes, Gibson expounds on topics of interest to the UnNews Audio audience, such as cosmetic surgery and race relations. "You look like a (expletive) bitch in heat, and if you get raped by a pack of (N-word), it will be your fault," Mr. Gibson says at one point, regarding Ms. Grigorieva's falsies. Of course, it should be an expletive, and N-words rarely travel in packs, but UnNews Senior Editors always stand ready to polish contributions by new reporters.

In fact, Louisiana and Mississippi are the only remaining U.S. states where a rape victim can be found partly liable. And the recent tort reform has put strict caps on the payment that may be due the rapist.

"Keep them if you want to. They look like a Vegas bitch, a Vegas whore," Mr. Gibson says about the breast implants at another point in the audition. Las Vegas mayor Oscar Goodman already had his hands full--you should pardon the expression--defending the city against comments by President Obama that Las Vegas is merely a place to which Americans travel to lose money. "Our city's Common Nightwalkers are the nation's most uncommon," he said. "And what happens in a Vegas whore, stays in a Vegas whore."

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The audition tapes mark Mr. Gibson's second foray into U.S. social policy. In 2006, after an arrest for drunk driving, Mr. Gibson addressed issues of gender equity and America's Jewish problem. He later explained that the single cocktail he had consumed before the stop had led him to utter opinions he does not actually believe. However, this is the main prerequisite for the position of UnNews Audio anchorman.

A spokesman for talent agency William Morris Endeavor said, "It's common for fine actors to move beyond character roles to become social commentators." Mr. Gibson is only remembered for his portrayal of Sir William Wallace, a role obviously without potential for sequels. The spokesman said the agency was sad to part company with Mr. Gibson, but is about to sign David Duke, an ex-politician about to make the opposite career move, into acting.

The web site that published the try-out tapes is affiliated with the National Enquirer, a media outlet only slightly less prestigious than UnNews, and authoritative in matters of paternity and the private lives of American statesmen.

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