UnNews:Trump takes AIG's advice, declares Himself King

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Sunday, December 18, 2016

King Donald I, resplendent in His gold-plated crown of gold, is ready to lead America into her former greatness once again.

“... And regardless of who is president, while the Lord gives us open doors, we will do whatever we can to advance the business of the King...”

~ Ken Ham on Donald Trump

Trump Tower, NY, NY: Following the untimely suggestion of that venerable website Answers in Genesis, president-elect Donald "J" Trump has decided to take that one last step to guarantee Himself ultimate power: proclaiming himself Donald the First, undisputed Hereditary Sovereign of all Fifty United States of America.

Doctor Kenneth "J" Ham (PhD, etc.), longstanding spokesmodel and professional quote-miner at Answers in Genesis™ who was fully prepared to resign himself to the dreadful thought of having to run his vast creationist corporation under the brutal heels of Hillary Clinton, is now working closely with the Trump Transition Team (TTT) to smooth the way for Trump's official coronation in January. Having vigorously scoured and scavenged his personal dog-eared electronic copy of the Holy NKJV Bible, Ham has successfully piled up more than enough bible verses to prop up and legitimize His Trump-ness for (at least) the next eight years.

After UnNews reporters gently reminded Ham that the United States is a democracy, and has virtually no chance of being transformed into a monarchy overnight, the venerable Ham could only wave his electronic NKJV and angrily say "Hey, I did a complete Google search for any mention of "presidents" in the Word of God, and guess what? No presidents! But there are oodles of kings in there! Some really awful kings, admittedly, and maybe a couple of evil queens or so, but I know full well that King Jesus Himself has always been in control! Why else would God Himself have granted King James of England that unrestricted audacity authority to rewrite the whole Bible? Can you imagine God's Word advertising itself as the New President James Version? I sure as hell can't!".

Donald Trump, resplendent in His usual business attire and His usual bizarre hairdo, is confident that there won't be a sufficient number of free-thinking traitors in the Electoral College (which meets this week) to unfairly strip Him of His expected 270 rubber-stamped seals of approval. Once He has cleared that potentially dangerous hurdle, no other significant barrier will impede Trump's royal path to the royal throne, not even the Constitution itself, bwa-ha-ha-ha.

Plans are underway to coordinate live media coverage of the January 20th farcical aquatic ceremony, which will involve a scantily-clad Ivana Marla Barron Melania Trump slowly rising out of a glowing laser-illuminated pool and handing Trump a symbolic shining platinum-plated sword engraved with the single word "Excelsior!". Once the lavish coronation festivities have winded down for the evening, construction crews will begin installation of a water-filled moat around the White House, complete with a motor-driven drawbridge and flaming torches and chainmail-clad secret service agents.