UnNews:Top Gear presenter Richard Hammond injured in 300mph teeth whitening attempt
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22 September 2006
RANDOM R.A.F. AIRBASE, England -- Richard 'Hamster' Hammond has been severely injured whilst attempting to break the British record for whitening teeth in an episode of Top Gear, but this time at high speed in a rocket car that is powered purely by inversing co-presenter James 'Capt'n Slow' May's lack of speed.
The whitening was going as planned by placing the special toothpaste and accompanying colour chart for whitening level verification at 300mph, until a slight bump in the runway (measured by police to be about a thirteenth of a millimetre) caused the 'WHITE HAMMSTER' car to flip and do 17 rotations in the air, before making an excellent 720 degrees tailspin, and then landing perfectly back on the runway with a slight bump, at this point, Richard was not actually injured, what actually got him was whilst unstrapping himself and exiting the car, teeth shining and all, the seatbelt whipped up into his face and he sustained serious injuries in his (you guessed it) pearly white food chompers.
Richard fainted from the sheer shock and had to be cut out of the car since he was so... badly endowed with height the staff couldn't reach him and get him out of the cockpit. He is currently recovering in some dental practice in Leeds after of course testing the Ambulance for handling and wow factor (see image on right). His co-host Jeremy "POWWEEEERR" Clarkson and family are at his seatside (they dont have beds in a dentist, you fool). Clarkson managed to talk briefly with him as he moves in and out of consciousness after continuously fainting after realising his teeth were injured. Clarkson spoke with us earlier:
"Well I told Hammster 'You know why you are here, because you are a crap seatbelt unstrapper' he smiled back at me, that moment was amazing. Since there was a Bugatti Veyron parked right across the street, so I jumped out the window and went an-"
The rest of the conversation is deemed to be irrelevant.
There have been of course many complaints from anti-seatbelters that this is a prime example of the dangers and terror of seatbelts, despite scientific proof that seatbelts increase a chance of survival in a car crash by 300%. "Just look at Richard" says one prominent anti-seatbelt campaigner "He may never be blinded by his teeth in the morning again thanks to this sealtbelt thingamajig, I mean it's like when I was a wee little boy, I used to masticate daily an-
The nation is in hope for a speedy rocket car powered recovery (forgive that ghastly pun) for a very loved and colourful character, although he is remembered for the colour white obviously, Quentin "who?" Wilson was lurking in my rubbish so I took the chance to ask him about the matter.
- Auguste-Marcel McAnenome "Monkeys make anything funny, including Top Gear" The Gibbonous Moon, September 22, 2006