UnNews:Osbourne uses The Secret to will herpes upon adversary
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17 April 2007
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Osbourne uses The Secret to will herpes upon adversary
LOS ANGELES, California -- From his LA studio apartment, Queens of the Stone Age guitarist Josh Homme made an announcement that shocked fans the world over. In his prerecorded statement, posted on the band's website this afternoon, Homme revealed gruesome details involving STD contraction, his mother, and the woman whose curse has virtually ruined his life. That woman, is Sharon Osbourne.
Sharon, former reality television pseudo-star and full-time babysitter to decrepit rocker Ozzy Osbourne, has always been known for her gentle, delicate manner of speech. Yesterday however, her nice streak came to an abrupt end after an interviewer questioned Sharon about Homme's derogatory statements regarding the Osbourne family circus known as Ozzfest. The day prior, Homme proclaimed "I won't be playing Ozzfest again — they treat the bands like shit...This year you get to play for free under the guise of 'No, we're doing it for the fans!' But it's really for the people who fan Sharon and Ozzy with palm fronds at their house." Upon hearing the unkind words, Osbourne became momentarily flustered, but quickly regained her composure. In a calm, seemingly deep state of concentration, she replied "I hope he gets syphilis and dies. I hope his dick fuckin' falls off so his mother can eat it...and through the power of positive thinking, I WILL IT TO BE!"
The positive thinking to which Sharon referred is none other than The Secret, a self-help excersize which employs psychic energy to force ideas into existence. In the past, The Secret has had mixed results: some would will a Ferrari into their driveway, only to be greeted by a Toyota Celica. Some would will a pony for their daughter's birthday party, only to materialize the vastly inferior Shetland pony. Unfortunately for Homme, Osbourne would prove to have astoundingly powerful psychokinetic abilities, the extent of which he shall never forget.
"It's the most unreal thing that has ever happen to me" claims Homme in his videoed message. '"I woke up this morning, and my mother was... I really can't even describe it, man... I quickly consulted with the family physician who confirmed that it really is full-blown herpes. I can't believe it, but Sharon Osbourne has given me herpes, folks."
When questioned about the incident following the posting of Homme's announcement, Osbourne simply smiled. "The Queens are welcome back to Ozzfest whenever they're ready." When asked about her use of The Secret, Sharon muttered "I asked for syphilis and got herpes, but either way, at least his dick fell off..."
UnNews was unable to reach Ms. Osbourne for comment, but did manage to reach ironically-named Iron Maiden frontman Bruce Dickinson. Dickinson, a long-time friend of Sharon's, claims that this behavior is totally out of character. I've known Sharon for years" he exclaims, "She'd NEVER say or do something like this to valued, talented entertainers!"
Though Homme has assembled a legal team and is threatening action, making the case stick may be near-impossible. "The problem lies in The Secret" states Gerald Stillman, Homme's primary attorney. "Its so powerful, so utterly mystifying...its really going to be a Herculean undertaking. Let me put it this way; if the devil's greatest achievement was convincing the world that he doesn't exist, then The Secret may embody power unlike anything the world has seen before."
A memorial fund is being established for Homme's estranged penis.
- Schlitt, Les "Sharon: Portrait of a Bitch". Rolling Stone, April 17, 2007
- Homme, Anne Maye "Home cooking with Mom". About.com, April 16, 2007