UnNews:NASA hints at the possibility of life on Earth

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Monday, April 17, 2017

Could there be life as we know it on Earth? NASA hopes to find out, once and for all.

JPL, California: During a hastily scheduled press conference early this morning, NASA (the National Aircraft and Spaceship Association) brazenly announced that Earth (the largest known terrestrial planet currently in orbit around the Sun) may actually harbor life, even though it is not covered with an impenetrable miles-thick layer of solid ice.

If it weren't for continuous volcanic activity, Enceladus Europa would be a vast wasteland covered in ice... wait a minute...

For the past several years, NASA has pinned its hopes and dreams and government-funded resources on the eventual detection of life somewhere in the Solar System. Most of the recent excitement had focused on Europa (a large icy ball orbiting Jupiter) and/or Enceladus (a somewhat smaller icy ball orbiting Saturn). "Ice is the key", Robert M. Lightfoot Junior (provisional administrator of NASA) told the gathering of reporters, "which, as far as we know, life needs to exist. With only the addition of a small amount of thermal energy provided by sunlight or active volcanoes, ice crystals can be readily broken down into their constituent molecules of liquified water, and consumed on the spot by thirsty extremophiles."

If it weren't for continuous volcanic activity, Europa Enceladus would be a vast wasteland covered in ice... wait a minute...

However, given the extraordinarily-higher temperatures experienced by planetary bodies much closer to the Sun, ice (or any other form of water in its frozen state) is not expected to exist in substantial quantities. Thus, any bulk quantities of unprotected liquid water would tend to sink down the drain, or even evaporate away into the exposed vacuum of space itself, rendering it completely unavailable for biological purposes.

It was only a few months ago that, against all odds, NASA's deep space probe Gaia 2 successfully detected signs of stable bodies of liquid water on Earth's surface, and also trace amounts of methane at higher altitudes, spurring additional reasons to conduct more intensive scientific research. Even though methane constitutes no more than 2 parts per million of Earth's tenuous atmosphere, there is a slight chance that it could be of biological origin, such as cows. NASA's probe also uncovered evidence of forests, coral reefs, large fields of wheat, skyscrapers, sprawling shopping malls, multi-lane highways, smog, and copious quantities of spurious high-frequency electromagnetic activity. "Given these recent findings," Lightfoot said, "the chances for the presence of life on Earth's surface is, at least, a distinct possibility."

Cdesign proponentsists everywhere were quick to denounce the latest NASA announcement, as usual. Doctor Kenneth "The Hamster" Ham, provisional administrator of Answers in Genesis, after wailing in a loud voice and gnashing his teeth and tearing his Harrods three-piece suit and covering his head with ashes, said "Finding life anywhere in the entire Universe is a completely hopeless task! It's needles and haystacks all the way down!"

Ham went on to say that even if there are living creatures basking in the warmth of volcanic fissures deep under the frozen wastes of Enceladus and/or Europa, it by no means suggests that life also exists on Earth. "This is typical evolutionistic brainwashing, suggesting that the only things life needs to evolve are water, food, free-range herds of cattle, supermarkets, air-conditioned luxury condominiums, rapid transit services, dangerous levels of atmospheric pollution, and millions-of-years-worth of time! Even if Earth has all these things in abundance," yammered Ham, "it still isn't proof that any form of life exists there!"

Meanwhile, less than 15 minutes after NASA's announcement, President Trump demanded the immediate and unconditional resignation of Administrator Lightfoot, claiming that sending multi-million-dollar space-probes all the way to Earth violates his administration's clear-cut priorities. Trump went on to tweet "Why is NASA wasting precious taxpayer money on studying a 7,917-mile-wide ball of worthless rock, anyway??? We got more important problems right here, such as building more American-owned sprawling shopping malls!"

Sources[edit]

(various; but it's a secret)