UnNews:It's been a sexually inappropriate week in Lake Wobegon

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Wednesday, November 29, 2017

Garrison Keillor, voted Sexiest Man in Minnesota a record 11 times, has employed his brand of untameable animal magnetism to secure a wildly loyal and highly-sexed fanbase.
The town's famous Statue of the Unknown Norwegian was vandalized by snowflake feminist radicals, who wrote "Stop raping and sexually assaulting women" along the length of his penis.

Well, it's been a quiet week in Lake Wobegon, Minnesota, my hometown, out there on the edge of the prairie.

It's been cold, it's been cold this week, down in the 40s. Pastor Liz has turned on the furnace. She's from good stock, Pastor Liz, she always tries to hold out until November - she has her father's voice ringing in her ears if she puts it on before November... but Thanksgiving weekend was cold, and her nipples were distracting one of the parishioners in Lake Wobegon Lutheran Church on Sunday.

He was an odd-looking man, all bushy eyebrows and jowly cheeks. She didn't recognize him, but he seemed to have a pretty good idea who she was. His eyes were fixated on her - she couldn't tell exactly what he was looking at, but she didn't think it was her collar or her crucifix.

Over at Ralph's Pretty Good Grocery, there's been excitement too. Ralph couldn't quite believe it when he took a stock check this week, but he was fresh out of condoms and lubricant, and yet he'll be darned if he can remember selling a single one of either. He thought about telling the folks at the Chatterbox Cafe, where he settles down for a hot lunch and where he usually confides in Darlene. But Darlene was awful quiet this week, apart from occasionally whispering the words "me too".

It could be worse, as we say in Lake Wobegon.

Try telling that to Clint Bunsen, though. Clint is in the doghouse. Irene, his wife, is mad. Not smashing plates mad. Irene's a Lutheran, you know. Lutherans don't get mad in a way that a normal person would recognize it. No, Irene gets mad in the same way that her mother used to get mad, and her grandmother before that. If you find out your husband has been accused of sexually assaulting women at work - you don't smash plates, you don't scream the house down, no, no, no. You wait, and bide your time, and that's what Irene did. She got mad like a Norwegian would. She waited for years and years to play her hand, and this week - for whatever reason - she decided to let Clint have it. And so he has some thinking to do out there in the doghouse. He's 75 years old, and when you get to 75 and you're in the doghouse, you have to ask yourself: I've been telling stories all these years - have I really got the energy to tell one more story to get out of this?

Well, that's the news from Lake Wobegon, where all the women are strong, all the men are good looking, and all the children are the products of sexually inappropriate approaches which occurred in a society which reinforces misogynistic behavior.