UnNews:Homeopathic terrorists launch assault on US economy

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to: navigation, search

Sunday, April 16, 2017


Theoretical appearance of the microscopic picocent, greatly magnified (scale: 1,000,000 to 1). This highly hazardous coin (minted at an undisclosed terrorist training facility) may be lurking deep inside one of your own pockets.

WASHINGTON, DC: In brutal reprisal for President Trump's recent executive order authorizing the unlimited usage of FBBs[1] in the never-ending World-Wide War on Terrorism, a group of economic terrorists with secret ties to homeopathy have secretly planted a single coin somewhere into the United States virtual money supply[2] with a monetary value of one trillionth of one cent. The US Federal Reserve has declared a state of emergency until such time that the so-called "Coin of Death" is isolated and neutralized before it can do substantial damage to the nation's precarious economic system[3][4].

The CIA has long suspected terrorists have been trying to gain access to advanced homeopathic technology, such as high-power industrial electric mixing machines, gigantic steel-plated vats, and the latest in modern uranium depletion methods. What with this unthinkable combination of outlawed equipment easily within hands reach, unprincipled homeopaths could, in theory, create super-micro-alloys with vanishingly-low amounts of pure gold, even as low as concentrations of less than a millionth of an atom of gold per metric ton of relatively-worthless silver.

The current location of the highly dangerous coin has yet to be determined, partly because of its relative worthlessness (approximately $0.00000000000001[5]), but mostly because of its microscopic size (much smaller than a single pixel on a high-definition display device[6]). The potential ramifications potentially include an impossible-to-ancipitate massive surge of hyperinflation the likes of which hasn't been experienced since the economic turmoil during the dreaded Nixon administration of the early-to-mid 1970s. Without adequate precautions the Federal Reserve estimates that, if the homeopathic coin were to spontaneously explode inside somebody's pants pocket[7], the entire world could be plunged into a new Dark Ages, reminiscent of the legendary Great Recession[8] of 2008-2012.

References

  1. Fucking-Big Bombs
  2. Denoted as MV: the aggregate total of currency, bank deposits, debit cards, unpaid student loans, subway tokens, air-raid-shelter hoards of dehydrated corned beef, unclaimed piggy banks, and medical insurance saving accounts.
  3. US Grossly-Domesticated Production was $18,969,403,783,019 on 2017 April 16.
  4. According to http://www.usdebtclock.org
  5. Nominal 2025 value, adjusted for deflation.
  6. On the order of 1 (+/-10) microns.
  7. The Dallas-Texas Economic Zone would be particularly vulnerable to such an event, because of the larger-than-average leakage of men's pants pockets in that area.
  8. As told by online historical texts and our parent's mildly-exaggerated recollections of economic hardships.