UnNews:Guide to the UK referendum
Thursday, June 23, 2016
The debate has heated up in recent weeks, the Brexit campaign attacked for using fear-mongering and false statistics, and the Bremain camp accused of conspiring in the murder of MP Jo Cox.
UnNews presents a breakdown of the key issues so our British readers can stop masturbating for a second and vote.
|Economy||The UK pays the EU too much.||The UK doesn't pay the EU too much.|
|Trade deals||The UK would easily be able to set up trade deals with the EU and other countries.||No we wouldn't.|
|Currency||Have you ever noticed that Irish people say "Ten euro" instead of "Ten euros"? It's not right, I tells you. Not Christian.||The pound will suffer if we opt out. And that will be bad, bad I say!|
|EU Immigrants||There are too many immigrants in the UK, and if we were out of the EU we could control this.||If we wanted to stay part of the common market, freedom of movement would not be under our control.|
|Non-EU Immigrants||Out! Get out of my country and go back to Syria, or at least towards Syria for an indeterminate fate.||Out (but let's talk about this quietly at a later juncture).|
|Sexy Business supporters||James Dyson: we will create more wealth and more jobs by being outside the EU than we will within it.||Richard Branson: leaving the European Union is not one of the risks I would want the UK to take.|
|Do say||Straight bananas.||You've got to be in it to win it / It's what Jo Cox would have wanted.|
|Don't say||Britain first!||We'll probably be fine either way.|
Despite the clear information on offer, many Britons have declared themselves confused by the recent series of debates. Some, including Radio 4-botherer Joanna Corey believes it is a deliberate ploy on the part of the Brexit Camp: "These people would argue black is white if they could. Which is ironic considering their racial policy."
At this point in the article, the BBC would be obliged to provide a pro-Brexit/anti-Bremain comment for balance. But we are not the BBC.
Instead, we will note our surprise at the presence of Gordon Brown during the campaign. We had assumed he had died, but perhaps it was a bit like the Hound in Game of Thrones, where you didn't actually see him die. They are also both Scottish with an awkward-looking face.
- It should be noted that this claim is unsubstantiated, and the British government only very occasionally kills senior members of society in covert operations, the last two notable cases being David Kelly (2003) and Princess Diana (1997).