UnNews:Cyrus nut busting in sharp fall
Wednesday, April 22, 2015
The number of nuts busted over Miley Cyrus have fallen to their lowest level since 2007, when the actress-singer actually was filthy jailbait, as opposed to just looking like it.
Analysts from the Institute of Studies explained how, since 2007, Cyrus has gradually inspired an increased number of busted nuts over the years, with notable peaks based around:
- her 16th and 18th birthday
- the weirdly-sexual pictures with her dad that she took for Vanity Fair
- the moment she introduced twerking to white people
- the release of her Wrecking Ball video
Many have expressed surprise that Miley's twerk with Robin Thicke did not represent an all-time high, but project leader Joanna Corey explained: "The presence of Thicke in that awful suit led to a lot of jerk-off sessions getting stuck in what we call the semi zone.
"For a nut to be bust, the viewer has to be able to put himself in that position, and I don't think many men could imagine themselves dressed like Beetlejuice."
To find out the cause behind the decline, UnNews sought out someone who had actually masturbated over Miley Cyrus, and we were surprised (and vaguely upset) at how many Uncyclopedians raised their hand.
One, who chose to remain anonymous, gave us his thoughts on Miley's fall from grace: "That Wrecking Ball video was the sexiest thing I can imagine. I used to fantasize that the wrecking ball was my enormous, swollen scrotum, and the chain was my curiously out of proportion penis. And I don't even need to tell you that I used to imagine the sledgehammer she licked was my horrifically misshapen penis.
"But to be honest, lately I have been beating off mostly to Katy Perry."