UnNews:Boston airport gets full-body scanners

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

28 February 2010

If you and Adriana Lima are in the same security line at Logan Airport, stay calm and don't crane your neck to see what the Security agent is seeing.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The first full-body scanners planned for U.S. airports will be installed in Boston next week.

Three machines will be installed at Logan Airport, according to an official who spoke on condition of anonymity because there are no leaks in the Obama administration. Boston was chosen, the official said, because it remains the favorite take-off point for in-the-know Jihadists.

After a Nigerian man allegedly tried to blow up an airliner last Christmas, Mr. Obama called for hundreds more of the machines. They are funded through a section of his 2009 stimulus plan that lets him spend money to stay in the news any time something big happens.

The passenger allegedly hid the explosives in his underwear. Scanners show objects hidden on the body, as well as any flier with an abnormally small penis. Their deployment has been slowed by privacy advocates.

Officials say the body's contours are seen by guards in a separate room, they do not see the passenger's face, and they are under orders not to giggle, at least not loud enough for other passengers to hear. The same officials say this is not an "unreasonable search" that violates the Constitution, because the Founding Founders didn't know from air travel or terrorism. Well, maybe terrorism. Still, the American Civil Liberties Union has denounced the machines as a "virtual strip search," according to a spokesman who spoke on condition of anonymity because he has a two-incher.

The new devices greatly enhance airport security, according to a person who spoke on condition of anonymity because he has a smidgen of pride. Combined with past measures, they make flying virtually perfectly safe against terrorists carrying explosives in their underpants, terrorists carrying explosives in their shoes, and terrorists carrying explosives in bottles of shampoo.

Sources

• Eileen Sullivan "New full-body scanners for 2 airports" Associated Press, February 22, 2010