Sheriff of Nottingham
The Sheriff Of Nottingham, also known as The Warden or The Pride, is a sour, over-keen law enforcement officer for the Wollaton area of Shottingham. Despite being a Midlander, his harsh methods of enforcing the law are comparable to Keith Chegwin's face. The Sheriff is a keen fan of world music and Marmite, particularly when mixed together.
The Sheriff was hired during a 4-year long drought in the Beeston area of Nottingham in the latter stages of the century. Though the hiring was originally intended to aid irrigation in the affected area, he got his big break in the first month. In early days, he had aspirations of being a steward for his beloved Nottingham Forest, although the closest he ever managed was being a programme-seller. The Sheriff is renowned throughout The People's Republic of the East Midlands for driving out the plague of locusts that damaged Nottingham's newly planted crop of illegal firearms, beans, and hydroponically-cultivated cannabis. The locusts were later found gnawing away at some passing sunlight.
In the second series, The Sheriff was sent to higher plains at Lancaster University. Although crime statistics in his new jurisdiction were slashed (tortured, if you will), his native Nottingham fared much worse. Muggings went up by 590%, and laundry theft went up by twice that. This has resulted in periodic visitations from the Sheriff himself, which usually result in high percentages of "obedient citizens" and "strangulations from officers of the law."
The Sheriff himself was "hugely pleased" when the East Midlands Airport" procured the brand-new and infinitely more pleasing moniker of "Nottingham East Midlands Airport." He was slightly less amused, apparently, when only weeks later the airport was again renamed to the succinct and snappy "East Midlands Airport--Nottingham, Leicester, Derby." The reader can imagine the Sheriff's disappointment and disapproval when the name was again changed shortly after that, this time to "The 96 Trent FM East Midlands Airport--Nottingham, Leicester, Derby, brought to you in conjunction with the Nottingham Tram, Trent-Barton Buses and the Leicester Mercury." By the time the Sheriff discovered that the runway had been dug up and relocated to Finland, his mood as described by onlookers was "as flat as piss on a plate."
Despite only holding law-enforcing duties in Nottingham and at Lancaster University, the Sheriff's reputation precedes him wherever he goes. The list of places below are places he goes, and are exceptionally high on The Sheriff's hit list:
- Westfield's Midland Corporation City
- The Giant Walker's Crisp Factory
- The Rehabilitation Centre (also, the Anti-Rehabilitation Centre)
The Sheriff's "Kill First, Talk Later" policy has drawn bad press from as far away as Yorkshire, where some believe he should simply maim and torture first.
Several protests have been held in Nottingham's city centre regarding The Sheriff's stance. One such protest led to the death of 15 people, resulting in a very large memorial monument and to a random series of events which ended with the inauguration of the Nottingham Supertram. The Sheriff himself did not comment on this or any issue, as he has been much too busy fleeing criminals, and awakens with his hand on the gun under his pillow everyday at 4 a.m.