Keith Chegwin
Americans may not understand humour, only humor. Canadians and Australians may not understand anything at all. Don't change a thing to remedy this.
“Cheggers could play my pop anytime!”
“Pop nob in fanny. Not up the arse.”
Sir Keith Claudius Chegwin (born Mini Cheg on 25 March 1869) Founder of Chegwinism and was the controller of BBC Radio 4 from midnight, January 1 1996 to just before 02:30am on the same day, this is due to him copying a scene from the movie The Shawshank Redemption. Chegwin is notable for being the current incarnation of Queen Elizabeth the first, and for his belief that he possesses any talent. Chegwin is also a noted actor but his acting career was cut short after his disastrous cameo appearance as Neo in cult film The Matrix Reloaded Yet Again. His catchphrase during coital climax is "Whay Hey!" he is also noted for producing prodigious amounts of ejaculate spontaneously and at will. Chegwin has been known to exploit this ability as a self defense mechanism when taunted by children and old people in the street.
Overview[edit | edit source]
Chegwin's face is a near double for that of Mark Thatcher (and that is not ironic. It's just a boring, ordinary common-or-garden fact. Just look at a recent photo of him and compare it to one of Thatcher taken, say, ten years earlier. You don't believe me, do you? Well, just do the photo-test before mouthing off, or indeed reverting this non-funny, but TRUE, edit). OK, back to satire/comedy:
Chegwin currently spends about 130 hours per week as an exhibit at the British Museum; he is regarded as fine art by the curators, and as installation art by the janitors.
Chegwin is one of the few celebrities to keep tame bacteria; he can hypnotize them with mutant powers (which materialized when he was struck in the hamstring by a radioactive meteorite). One of Chegwin's party tricks is to spin web (much like a spider's) directly from his tear ducts to control his microscopic pets (Chegwin also has the ability to stop the Earth from rotating by the force of his personality). He cultivates several varieties of kiwi fruit but has never raised a hand against any of them, except in self-defense.
Chegwin has inspired a number of songs and film roles, the most famous being the Darkness' christmas hit 'Christmas Time (Don't let the bells end)'. Lead singer Justin Hawkins makes a direct reference to chegwin in the song, with the line "Bells End!"
Keith is also an Indian chief, and insists that his followers call him "Chief Kegwin"
Naked Jungle and Colluding With Satan[edit | edit source]
In the year 2000, during one of his more severe alcoholic relapses, it is claimed by some that Keith Chegwin was so intoxicated one evening he willingly sold what little of his soul remained for a couple of fags and a bottle of White Lightning to someone who appeared to be the film director Tinto Brass, currently working in the UK as a producer for Channel 5 television. Onlookers described the event to The Times news paper “Keith, was fucking everywhere, all over the bastard place. Everytime the cunt tried to stand up he fucking fell over into the bushes didn't 'e, had to wipe all that fucking sick off his chest. This sleazy looking bastard with a funny red glow 'round his 'ead (presumably Brass) was really tryin' to help him to a table outside the pub with some sort of weird document dripping with blood labelled 'SOUL'” Keith was heard to say “ugmpff, gizza ciggie mate, giz a fag, an’ ah’ll sign whutaver yeh wants meh teh”, the onlooker goes on "No sooner had the drunk cunt put the pen down, this dark windowed huge growling limo pulled up out of nowhere and a man laughing insanely in a black marl suit dragged him right inside, slammed the door and sped off into the night, the whole thing was fucking weird". Following this series of events Naked Jungle was commissioned and soon to be a certain 'one-off' game show.
In itself the concept of Naked Jungle seemed to be a reasonably inoffensive game show based upon a simple assault course format, except for the fact that according to Brass "the contestants are to be completely naked and oiled up like pigs". The show’s presenter, Keith Chegwin was also requested to appear "baring his saggy porkish man flesh” and “pink and wrinkled acorn like, devil balls”. Cultural commentators such as Melvyn Bragg remarked “The show was jam packed with all fucking manner of revolting dirty up the arse, in your tits, camera shots where one could clearly see that many of the contestants did not seem to take personal grooming or hygiene seriously whatsoever, Jesus it made me hack up a fucking lung!" Kirsty Wark was quoted as saying "Filth, bastards, scum!” but not in reference to the programme, rather she had incurred brain damage after an accident during a violent interview with John Leslie. At one point during the running of the show it was speculated that the precise moments after anal claggs could clearly be spotted hanging from a male contestants rectum, the whole nation vomited and that for at least an hour there ensued a water pressure crisis within Britain’s mainline sewage infrastructure as it was tested to the limit whilst everyone flushed their toilets at once.
The concept was not granted a second show... ever.
Bodysnatching[edit | edit source]
It has also been suggested that Chegwin has recently invaded and possessed the beleaguered Metropolitan Police Commissioner Sir Ian Blair (see recent photographic evidence to the right). This would explain Blair's new obsession with kiwi fruit and their inability to withstand multiple gun shots.
Achievements[edit | edit source]
Chegwin is an international chess GrandMaster. However, legal restrictions prevent him from playing chess with anyone other than cartoon villains (notably Dick Darstadly, whom Chegwin visits weekly in his perspex prison in Illinois) and he cannot advance his pawns beyond the fourth rank due to personal religious beliefs.
Cheggers was the winner on an episode of Mastermind, his chosen subject being the film "Characters names in 'Confessions of a Window Cleaner' "
Uttering Chegwin's name (or that of any of his numerous pets) is considered to be bad luck if one is married to him. Chegwin is notable for having a third eye, located in his chest; he is actually an amphibious alien from Betelgeuse.
Chegwin's non-infectious laugh is caused by his inhaling, in early childhood, a fully grown turtle which is still alive and trapped in his lungs; Chegwin credits the turtle for most (but not all) of his alternative comedy routines. It has also been mentioned that Keith was once ruler of the Italian kingdom of Felatio; however most modern historians believe this to be a lie, propagted by the citizens of Genitalia.
Keith Chegwin was implicated in, (but never arrested for) his part in the Princess Diana assasination. He was the third party responsible for putting The Swiss in contact with George Lazenby (who carried out the hit). At the time, he was too busy giving flight lessons to Norwegians to enable them to attack The World Trade Centre. Rumours that he was the first on the scene after the crash chanting the mantra "Lady Di, Lady Di, your boys took one hull of a baiting" are entirely unsubstantiated.
2008 will be the Chinese Year of the Chegwin. China took the Liverpudlian presenter to their hearts after he single-handedly stopped a earthquake from destroying the country.
When someone makes a highly amusing wisecracking joke that Keith himself would be proud of it is often known as a "cheggers chuckle"
In 1999, Chegwin got his cock out on Channel Five. Some people are still being sick.
After a particularly heated game of Family Fortunes, Chegwin decided to destroy the town of Swindon and all of its deneziens. Using a combination of guns and poisons, he achieved this goal in 1873, before turning a gun on himself. Thus, genocide was invented. Ta, Keith.
A little known fact is that in 2005 Chegwin became the first non American to land on the moon, naked.
Keith Chegwin is also notable for this poignant performances on GMTV. He, sometimes along with Tony Blackburn go around Britain's houses, and giving £10,000 to the winners of the daily GMTV quizzes, which are about as hard to get right as it's hard to find faults with the GNER rail system. The winning contestant must put up with another burden however, as to officially receive the £10,000, they must let Keith Chegwin enter the house, drink their coffee, and sleep in their bed until the next morning where he sets off again and finds another person to threaten with £10,000. Often contestants have turned down the money so as not to suffer the indignation of having Chegwin inside their house. The git.
Keith Chegwin is wanted in over 3 different countries (including Guyana, French Guyana and Kingston Upon Hull) for various felonies (including swan theft, getting his cock out, and Kingston Upon Hull).
Cheg-Wine[edit | edit source]
After earning £7,981.04 as fake-tractor driver for The Wurzels, on their 'Grand Tour of Narnia' where the Wurzels are the most popular foreign band, Cheggers bought a tiny allotment, just outside Dubberlin, and got to work on producing the world's first Potato Wine. Bastard! That was my idea! FUCK! Unfortunately for poor Cheg, the wine made people's Kidneys explode (HAHA!!) and the government told him to find something else to make wine from. Cheggy, being an enterprising fellow, saw his future in the Vineyard, and began intrepidly looking for a replacement. First, he tried Cabbage, but this did not produce the sharp tang upon the palate, the Cheg knew was lacking in wine made from Grapes. Next, he tried Radishes, but his local fruit shop's supply had been bought out by Sherlock Holmes, and there would be none in stock for two days. Poor poor Cheg. LOL!
While happy little Cheg was in his shed one day, feeding newspaper to emaciated ducks he had taken captive with his broken promise of Ciabatta, a stunning realisation came into his B-rate mind. Every day, he emptys two gallons of Duck Urine down the drain, rather that it going to use. What if that could be used to make wine??? After several decades of intense research and development, and the kidnap of two billion more ducks, Chegwin's Cheg-Wine was ready. God help us!!
Fearing a large risk of human death, a bottle of 'Chegwin's Cheg-Wine' was tested by King's College Hospital. It instantly melted through the Petri Dish, through the floor, and landed on the head of a Colonel of the army, instantly demoting him to Lance Corporal. Scientist put Cheg-Wine into a slightly better Petri Dish, tested it, and found the following ingredients:
Duck Urine - 42%.
The Daily Star - 27%.
Formaldehyde - 14% (to keep it fresh).
Methanol - 7% (accidental).
Gamma radiation - 4%.
Fan Mail - 0.0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000001%.
Frankly Dunno - 6%.
Following this test Keith was appauled, and has promised to up the Duck Urine count to at least 57%, and feed his ducks at least 15% Broadsheet. "You just don't get it. do you?!" was the research team's response. "Get what?" was Chegwin's.