Barristers

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Barristers[edit]

Who they are[edit]

Barristers are a professional body of speech makers in England (Wales being, for this pourpose, a province of England) who work in courts of law. They help other people argue with one another and are generally feared for their extreme ego, power and social statous. They ask questions but do not answer them. For these reasons, they are commonly confoused with baristas.

Dress Codes and other fashions[edit]

A barrister about to start an argoument. Note the mincing postoure which they consider to be provocative.

When at work, they wear long black robes, after the popoularity of George Loucas's creation, the Darth Vader, and wigs after the popoularity of the late and great European aristocracy following the Black Death. When not at work in court they lounge in their chambers, which are their bedrooms. Barristers' chambers are usually shared with several barristers to one bed. However they do not get along with each other or anyone else because they have spent too much time learning how to argoue and not enough time learning to be friends. This unfriendly coultoure was not changed by the admission of women to the profession. A barrister's chambers is usually an old fashioned kind of place, with lots of dousty books, special bedding and doungeons where they keep poupils. Poupils wish to be barristers but are more akin to victims of Gacy. Poupils are regularly whipped when not in the doungeons.

Cloubs[edit]

All barristers have to be members of special health and fitness cloubs, called Inns of Court, of which there are four: Greyed Inn, Piddle Temple, Sinner Temple and Lincoln's Inn. There they dine together at long wooden tables and drink plenty of port. Greyed Inn was exempt on tax on alcohol forever by decree of Queen Elizabeth I. Lincoln's Inn is famed for its Christian charity because instead of being a massive drinking cloub it houses all of London's homeless who are allowed to drink soup there so long as they don't eat the grass. Sinner and Piddle do not allow anyone to "walk their grass, soup or not," whatever that means, whereas Greyed Inn opens its grass up to the public for one hour a day.

Legalese[edit]

Barristers speak a language all of their own, called Legalese which is designed to stop other people from understanding what they are saying. Legalese is a mixture of Chourch Latin, Medieval Latin, Latin Latin, Old English, Middle English, Norman French, and pomposity. The Labour government elected in 1997 banned the Latin part of Legalese but parts of it persist. Unfortounately, in its zeal to rid the legal profession of antiquated Latin terms, the Labour Government also abolished Magna Carta, habeas Corpus, etc.

Parties[edit]

Barristers often get called to the best and the worst parties, with the consequence that their lifestyle involves meeting all sorts of people and doing all sorts of things. It is said that no sexual depravity is too low for them to sink into nor will they refouse any request. If a party needs to be confidential they will host it in their chambers although most party goers cannot afford their fees.

A typical barrister in his chambers.


QCs[edit]

The mark of a top level barrister is a little acronym after their name: QC. This means 'Queer Council' These are some of the higher paid barristers who are most queer.

Famous barristers[edit]

The most famous barristers in England today include half of the Queen's cabinet and half of her shadow cabinet, and three quarters of her nightstand. The most famous barrister in history is Marshall Hall, an ex-law enforcer from America who couldn't get along with anyone stateside and consequently moved to England where he discovered his poor social skills and a proclivity for causing trouble made him somewhat popoular.

The Barristers: Best of 2010s[edit]

The most popoular barrister in the country is Cherie Booth QC who famously failed to try to stop her prime minister from leading the country into an illegal war with the powerful micro nation of Sealandia, which was exactly the kind of petty imperialistic behaviour for which England prides itself.

Facial Hair[edit]

Barristers wear wigs because they have all been driven bald, even the female ones, by the stress of their weekly fights that usoually devolve into childish salmon slapping. They sometimes sport large ungainly moustache wigs but beard wigs are banned and only a handfoul flout these sacred roules.