Salmon (fish)

Salmon

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A salmon's favorite pastime. WHY DO FISH GET ALL THE FUN?

*re-watching a particular Magic School Bus episode for the sake of nostalgia*

"Ok, so they'll let salmon squirt their stuff all over kids, and they'll even show it on TV. But when they let ME do the same, I get sent to fucking JAIL. Like, what the fuck? SERIOUSLY?"

SALMON. Fucking salmon. Why the fuck do they die after they lay their eggs? I mean, they sure do want something to fuck, as you can tell from the picture, but they only are able to do it once? What the fuck, God, what were you even thinking?

Characteristics of salmon

A group of salmon swimming upstream in a river. How majestic. COME ON, LET ME REACH IN THERE AND GRAB 'EM OUT! I'm REALLY FUCKING HUNGRY! YOM YOM YOM!!!

So, what. LIKE WE DON'T ALREADY FUCKING KNOW WHAT A DAMN SALMON IS. And WHAT THE FUCK? Why do they have to give salmon really fucking weird scientific names like "Onchorhynchus tschawytscha" and shit? I mean, I don't even think I fucking SPELLED that right. Like, come on, dudes? What the actual hell?

I mean, they start at the top of their streams as little bitty babies. A WHOLE BUNCH of little bitty babies. Like, a MILLION fucking eggs together. Like, those rivers can't support all those babies. So what are those little fries supposed to do? (That's what baby fish are called, apparently!) EAT EACH OTHER??!! EAT EACH OTHER. THAT'S ALL THEY CAN FUCKING DO. EAT EACH OTHER. Can they even EAT EACH OTHER? Oh yeah. There's those yolk sacs. But, damn, nature, WHY YOU GOTTA BE SO FUCKING CRUEL?

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGHHH!!

So they go through a weird-ass transformation when they go upstream to fuck each other, grow curly lips and shit. Like, that's gotta be painful as fucking HELL! Like, who the heck DESIGNED these fucking fishes? Why you gotta be so fucking cruel? Like, COME ON!!

Salmon as food

I mean, calling the little baby salmon "fries" is already making me hungry as hell!

"The plural of "fish fry" is "fish fry," not "fish fries."

OK, Mr. Grammar Guy, just let me write this fucking Article, OK?

So, SALMON. You can grill 'em, smoke 'em, eat 'em raw, smoke 'em, make salmon patties, smoke 'em, eat 'em in sushi, smoke 'em, smoke 'em, smoke 'em, smoke 'em, and... er... that's about it. And DAMN salmon is good. Like, it's so fucking good that-

Well, if eating will calm you down...

Ok, time to stuff my face.

*drives over to some random food market*

Holy cow, they're out of season! GOD, this shit is expensive, WHAT THE FUCK?!

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