Laser Shark

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The American Laser Shark, Carcharodon laserias, is widely considered to be the world's deadliest predator. This is mainly due to the fact that it has razor sharp teeth, can swim quickly, and has a motherfreaking laser attached to its head.

It has a freaking laser on its head!

Origins of the Laser Shark[edit]

Laser sharks were created by mad scientist Benjamin Franklin and originally intended as a weapon for the Civil War, to fight the Confederate Army's wooden submarine, the CSS Hunley. Benjamin Franklin created laser sharks by taking ordinary sharks and attaching freakin' lasers to their heads. The general method of attack was to bore a hole in the wooden hull of a vessel with lasers, fill the hole with dynamite, and ignite the dynamite with a laser beam.

After the creation of the laser shark, the Union sent four score and ten laser sharks to destroy the Confederate submarine. The plan went horribly wrong, however, as the laser sharks turned upon the Union's ships after destroying the wooden submarines. The entire Union fleet was destroyed in five minutes by the laser sharks.

To this day, laser sharks still roam the east coast, terrorizing innocents and other sea life.

Laser Shark FAQ[edit]

A school of laser sharks, looking for a meal.

Q: Where do laser sharks live?

A: Laser sharks live in America, which you probably could have guessed if you read the above paragraph about how they were created during the American civil war, you idiot.

Q: What do laser sharks eat?

A: Laser Sharks eat fish, humans, mermaids, dolphins, whales, other sharks, sea serpents, ships, wooden submarines, crocodiles, underwater unicorns, giant squids, octopuses, dinosaurs, teachers, license plates, horrible teachers, and you.

Q: How do laser sharks hunt?

A: The laser shark will spot its prey, then fry it with a freakin' laser.

Q: How does a laser shark eat?

A: It sears its prey with a laser, locking in those tender juices and cooking it to perfection. Then it rips the meal to shreds with its teeth.

Q: What should I do if I see a laser shark?

A: Kill yourself. That way, you won't have to suffer the pain of being fried to death with a laser.

Q: Why does Age of Empires III keep crashing when I try to play online?

A: What the bloody hell does that have to do with laser sharks?! You know what, you're an idiot. Here's some advice: stay away from toasters, don't use the lawnmower, and never have children, you waste of flesh!

Q: 1 1ik3 1337

A: the laser sharks kill people who talk in 1337

War with the Sonic Dolphins[edit]

In the year 1960, laser shark attacks were at their peak. 7 million humans were being killed by laser sharks per a day, 8 million if you count the French as humans. The US government decided that the Laser Shark threat needed to be neutralized. Mad scientist Albert Einstein had created a new sea creature armed with a deadly weapon on its head: the sonic dolphin.

Sonic dolphins were created by taking normal dolphins, then attaching goddamn sonic disruptors. An army of sonic dolphins were deployed along the east coast of America, where they waged underwater war with the laser sharks.

Famous Laser Shark/Sonic Dolphin Battles[edit]

  • Battle of International Waters aka Operation Free Swimming
  • Battle of the Bermuda Triangle
  • Siege of Cuba
  • Battle of the Great Coral Reef
  • Siege of Atlantis
  • Battle of Antarctica
  • The Six Day Gore

See also[edit]