Potatoism
“Eat me in remembrance of this.”
Potatoism is a polytheistic religion[2] widely practiced in many parts of the world where stupidity ranks lowest. Potatoism has been called the oldest religion in the world, yet some scholars debate whether it is even a religion by definition. Unlike other religions, the ancient texts and scrolls of Potatoism have been thoroughly vetted by the scientific community and are known to be completely accurate and infallible.[Citation not needed at all; thank you very much]
A long time ago, the universe had not yet been created, and the Evil Mashed Potatoes had tried to take over the void. The Great Potato had been fighting them for billions of Earth years, but they would not cease to exist. They simply became stronger, growing in size and power. The Great Potato would soon be overwhelmed if he didn't do something within the next few months. "You have no structure, you are a disgrace to potassium!"[3] he shouted, but insults did not affect them. Soon, the Evil Mashed Potatoes would triumph. Suddenly, the Flying Spaghetti Monster came to help, finished dealing with the needs of an alternate dimension. "I have an idea!" he said. "Why didn't you say that earlier?" asked the Great Potato, clearly annoyed. "Now is not the time to argue. We must act!" but even together it was not enough, so they had to make a decision. "I must split," said the Great Potato. And he split. The force of the explosion caused created the universe, while also nearly destroying himself, now shredded and becoming the two Hash-brown Gods.
Creation
Soon after this, the remains of the mashed potatoes (that were now gas) gravitated towards each other in massive amounts and created everything in the universe. There is really no long explanation.
You should know how the Earth was created. Science is mostly right, except (partially) about evolution and a few physics rules. Anyway, once Earth was created, the living remains of the mashed potatoes were banished to Earth to die, but unfortunately Earth became a hospitable planet and they began to grow in a more protective way. They did this as soon as they could, usually into what typical potatoes look like now. They coincidentally did this not in response to the insult given to them. "I will create the human," said the Flying Spaghetti Monster. "What the shit is that supposed to mean?" asked the Hash-brown Gods, in unison. "Whoa that was creepy," said the FSM. "Whatever. Just answer my question." "Well these beings are going to willingly reduce the mashed potatoes to their original form and consume them." "Gross. But how are they going to even do that?" "We just need to wait a million years or so." "Why?" "So they can find out how to make fire."
"Dammit Flying Spaghetti Monster." "What?" "The mashed potatoes are going to overpopulate, you idiot." "No they won't." And they went on to argue about this for somewhere around 1.7 million years, until the apes arose. They had finally come to an agreement; they would use the apes as a base for the humans, and since the mashed potatoes/Earth potatoes didn't overpopulate by now anyway, they agreed to do what the Flying Spaghetti Monster wanted in the first place. They implanted the human gene in about a third of the current apes and we branched off of the chimpanzee path.
The only reason Neanderthals existed is because the Flying Spaghetti Monster wanted to see if we could cooperate with another sentient species without killing each other. This idea failed miserably, as we homo sapiens instead decided to tease them for their stupidity, unaware of the hypocrisy occurring.
Notice
It is not known whether we live in the universe created by the FSM or the Great Potato, as not even the Hash-brown Gods and the FSM remember who lives in which universe or what dimension at this point, with infinities within infinities to keep track of. So as long as you believe in one of them, you will go to the good afterlife of the one you believe in. The bad afterlife is always fully randomized. So R'amen, Ey'men, or as I say, Spudzighetti.[4]And formal names of the Starch Angels are the Fourth Beings, the FSM, Great Potato, and the Evil Mashed Potatoes are the Third Beings, Bob and Doug the Second Beings, and The Yam and Leimstema the First Beings. These names should be used if journeying through the temples of spud and attempting to gain access to the eyes of tuberosum.
Current times
They pretty much gave up on us after they saw where humanity was going and when we started potato farming, so there's not much to say here.
If you are wondering why the Flying Spaghetti Monster was discovered first; it's just because he decided to stick around Earth and ended up giving Australians their sense of humor. As a result, they discovered him first.
The five most powerful beings
According to Potatoism's ancient texts and scrolls, there are only five beings more powerful than the Hashbrown Gods and the Flying Spaghetti Monster. They are referred to as Almighty Beings. Strangely, Mr. Potatohead appears to have been left out of the list, which some Potatoists claim is "heresy" and should be remedied at the earliest convenience.
Almighty Bob
Almighty Bob is the first Almighty Being. He takes control of the Pandi-prism that surrounds the infinite number of dimensions which each contain an infinite number of universes each created in a different way. He still converses with the Hashbrown Gods and FSM, treating them as equals, as those who really are equal to him are either too ugly, lazy, or perverted to be of any significance. Unfortunately, if anyone discovers the existence of New Jersey, finds out how to fold a fitted sheet, or figures out how division by zero could be possible in any universe or dimension,[5] the Pandi-prism will be ripped in half and he will be dead for at least 48 eons and will have to have The Almighty Doug sub for him in the meantime.
Almighty Doug
Almighty Doug is the lazy one, which causes a few problems. For one, there is a 61 percent chance of him just sitting on his inter-dimensional couch watching inter-dimensional Garfield not noticing a single problem until his WiFi starts working, and begin to react. Doug will then decide whether he should go shopping for groceries or save the universe. There is a 74 percent chance he will go shopping, meaning that the entire Pandi-prism[6] is probably doomed. Oh well. Our world leaders are already running this Earth into the ground anyway so it honestly doesn't matter. The other two beings equal in power are Shrek and Ceiling Cat.
The levitating ravioli creature
Decided to make the Earth full of right angles for no real reason. It's more of a secondary god who quickly stopped caring about Earth, after running out of funny things to do to it.
Leimstema
Leimstema is the evil citrus god that might lead us to doomsday in about three eons. He was another fool who tried to take over the void and bring disbalance to all of existence. However, Leimstema was extremely powerful, so powerful in fact, that his existence was hidden from even the almighty Bob and Doug. Fortunately, the gargantuan yam was still more powerful, and defeated him in an epic battle of wits and strength. Unfortunately, in doing so the gargantuan yam released Leimstema's essence into the void, and it is now floating around the universe, in the embodiment of chaos, imbalance, and bad grammar itself. Now we rely on an atheist scientist named Jack to save the entire realm of nonsense, as the gargantuan yam is drained too much of its power. This is what the destruction of everything you know and love will truly be caused by. He scheduled the apocalypse to be at approximately 5:30 on May 4th, 3005088126. It's the only day it fits his schedule; he's planning a trip to The Edge to see the last baseball game. It takes forever to get there, now that he's only his soul's essence. His favorite team is the Yankees. I personally like the Cubs, but that's likely just because I live in Chicago. Anyway, happy doomsday to everyone in the far future! (or present, depending on the time you're in) Also the gargantuan yam can't attack Leimstema's essence unless the essence chooses to engage in a battle, otherwise this would have ended before the universe was created in the first place.
The single most powerful being of all
... is a yam. A really, really, big yam. This yam is so big, that it's sheer bigness is too much for bigness itself to handle. This yam is so big, death itself had difficulty escaping being crushed onto the second plane of five-dimensional space. This yam watches over the the realm of nonsense and everything in it.[7]All of it's infinities and infinity infinities and infinities cubed, and all of it's finites. It knows all, and sees all. The closest you can get to it's knowledge is if you travel to the Temples of Spud and have achieved near complete potassienlightenment. You must then go through a series of tests and enter an almighty hole in the center of a temple, defeat the fallen Tomatoists, and then you will have access to the eyes of tuberosum. This will give you full potassienlightenment.
Tater Tots and French Fries
The moon will soon be too light and too far to cause tides. Most people know this by now. However, what you may not know, is the somewhat fast acceleration of this process. It is still accelerating according to scientists, but they are wrong in terms of how fast and why. The Tater Tot and French Fry troops are continuously searching for the final lost pieces of the Great Potato on the moon(s).[8] If there are any humans there, they simply go to the dark side for various reasons. They have already searched the rest of the universe, and the last place to look is Earth's moon. They need not rest, nor food, nor water. Once their bodies tire out, they split in half and form new troops, fully ready for the task ahead of them. They have been doing this for millions of years, since the moon was plentiful with pieces. The more they split, the more ground they cover. Each time they find a piece, they hurl it towards Earth, and it creates a bolt of lightning, due to the extreme power of the Great Potato. This pushes our moon back a small amount each time it happens, but the moon is constantly dropping/releasing pieces of the potato, as lightning happens all the time around the world, so it accelerates somewhat quickly. Might I mention that the pieces orbit the Earth for a short period of time so as to cause lightning anywhere.
The true nature of the Universe
There has been a long debate between Flat Earthers and Round Earthers about the shape of our planet. These fools have been confused for centuries about something that has been proven long ago; the Earth is a five-dimensional hypercube orbiting the four circle moons which mirror and undulate within each other to give the stages we see today. The dark side is simply the other side of each of the flat moons. The sun is a hoax. It's just the moons in the process of undulating through each other creating light in the process. When you see the "sun" and the "moon" at the same time around noon, it's simply two of the moons. The galaxies, however, are giant fish who roamed around the void before the universe was created. Once the explosion of the split happened, the fish took no notice to it, besides of the dead mashed potato gas floating around. They ate this and, since they have no lungs, or heart, their stomach takes up their entire body.[9] They don't need to eat or digest anything, pointlessly living in the void. But they do it anyway because they're fish. They cannot digest anything, so don't worry about the impending doom of everything you know and love. That happens from something else.[10] The stuff just kinda floats around inside them. This easily explains the gravity problem that scientists are blaming on dark matter, which is not what they think. The collision of galaxy groups are from the fact that it's mating season, and they are all hermaphrodites, so they all just move towards each other and merge, only to blow up into a bunch of little eggs. The insides will be transported to another dimension where the fish only merge as soon as it explodes, so we won't notice any difference. Then they will hatch and our new fish will split and the process repeats. The Gods never created the fish; they simply existed there forever.
Afterlife
Upon believing that the universe we live in was one created by the Great Potato/Hashbrown Gods, when you die you will go to a world of eternal heath, where there will be an infinite source of steak and mashed potatoes. You will have the ability to play all video games that have existed, still exist, and will exist. Some people are slowly and escalatingly painfully eaten by a three headed mashed potato blob with teeth forever, while they keep their nervous system and sentience forever. Going to that afterlife is just a genetic disease, sorry. But the bad afterlife for everyone else is playing Russian roulette with a forever fueled flamethrower. However, the pain does not escalate, as your face repairs itself perfectly afterwards. It's better than what the vegans get, but I still don't recommend disgracing the gods. You can see the afterlives possible if you believe it was the Flying Spaghetti Monster here. If you do not believe in either Potatoism, FSMism, or Starchianity, your essence will just become a ghost and you can wander the universe forever starting from the spot you died. Yes, you can interact with other ghosts; you can speak through each other's minds, physically interact, and see each other, but no, you can't do anything with the real world or build anything. There are no materials in the spirit realm. However, if you are an asshole most of your life, you will still go to a bad afterlife.
The Drip
The Drip was the last remnants of Leimstema's power that fell upon this Earth. It was the thing that corrupted the once peaceful Tomatoists. But now they suck and are pieces of shit who have been damaged beyond repair. So like, burn them ... or something.
Rank
- Starchmaster is the highest rank – the leader of a set of Chipboys and Solanae.
- Chipboys/Chipgirls There are three of these in a group; they are the first people loyal and true to Potatoism within each group the Starchmaster chooses.
- Solanae are the first fifteen people who are also loyal and meet the satisfaction of the Starchmaster of their group, other than the Chipboys/Chipgirls.
- Friesfolk are just middle-class citizens[11]
- The Tubers are lower-class working citizens, e.g. farmers and factory workers.
- Spudlings are homeless.
- Nubcicles just really suck.
Starchmaster nomination rules
I am the first Starchmaster so I must moderate these rules. Once Starchmaster, they must leave their nominator's group and form one on their own. Only Starchmasters can nominate Chipboys/Chipgirls, and only one a day. They must have at least a three-day Chipboy/Chipgirl residency, and the Starchmaster must have a one-week Starchmaster residency. If the Starchmaster nominates more than four Chipboys/Chipgirls a month, the Starchmaster must be able to explain why. If the Starchmaster's reason is just because their spamming or giving out free nominations, the Starchmaster will get banned. If the Starchmaster resigns, gets banned, dies, has gone insane, or simply cannot be Starchmaster anymore, the first Chipboy/Chipgirl becomes Starchmaster. They require a three-week residency as Starchmaster before they can nominate a Chipboy/Chipgirl to Starchmaster. They will also take control of the group they were in. Only Starchmasters can nominate Solanae or Friesfolk to Chipboys/Chipgirls, and Starchmasters require a five-day residency before they can do this. If the Starchmaster is one who fell into this position due to troubles with the original Starchmaster, they still require the three-week residency of Starchmaster to nominate Solanae or Friesfolk to Chipboy/Chipgirl rank. I hope you understood these instructions. If not, well then shit. Just read it again. Same to the below.
More nomination/demotion rules
Chipboys/Chipgirls cannot nominate much, but they can decide on nominating Friesfolk to Solanae, if the other Chipboys/Chipgirls agree on it. After this, they have to consult to the Starchmaster of their group. They can do this only if they have all had their Chipboy/Chipgirl residency for eight days. If the Starchmaster has had less than three days of residency since the eight days of residency for the Chipboys/Chipgirls started, rather than this request becoming invalid, the Chipboys/Chipgirls must have one more day of residency for them to declare the Friesfolk to a Solanum. Solanae, Chipboys/Chipgirls, and Starchmaster can demote anyone who is of Friesfolk rank or lower to Nubcicle, but they will count as Nubcicle only to the person who demoted them. You cannot demote anyone from an opposing religion to Nubcicle [ex. Avocadian, Cucumbiists, Lettucianists, you may only pity the fools, as does Mr. T. Certain rules apply to Cerealists and Tomatoists, however. We (being Potatoists) have overcome our differences with the Cerealists through the Spaghettios Truce, which states we may not sing within five feet of one another, or in hearing vicinity (long story). We also may not argue about religious matters with each other. Tomatoists are simply dickheads and are allowed to be named Nubcicle by any ranked person. They all have anger issues, three of them reached their true anger potential, and they tend to carry a hyper corrosive acid in a special container made of solid dark matter carried in red hazmat suits. Why? Because they have anger issues. And they were corrupted by Leimestema.
See also
Adobe Potatochop ~ Baked Potato ~ Couch potato ~ Cheesy potatoes ~ Fish and chips ~ Getting swallowed by oversized potatoes fetish ~ Counting to potato ~ Fries ~ Idaho ~ I don't appreciate your attitude towards my potato chip situation ~ Irish Potato Famine ~ Mr. Potato Head ~ Negative potato ~ Potato chip ~ Potatoe ~ Potatoism ~ Potato Famine Denial ~ Potato Sack Racing ~ Puzzle potato ~ Red Potato ~ That French Fry Fell Off the Tray and is Burning in the Oven ~ Sophia ~ Uncyclopedia
Notes
- ↑ artist's concept
- ↑ Potatoism's definition as religion remains a topic of some debate. Some consider it to simply be the act of pulling one's head out of one's ass.
- ↑ No, the gods don't speak English, it's translated you idiot. They spoke Parsaniis.
- ↑ Spudzhighetti is a salute which the Starchmaster and Chipboys/Chipgirls use when greeting each other formally. It is not to be confused with Spudzighetti, as they are pronounced the exact same.
- ↑ However, there are, in the infinite number of dimensions, universes, pandi-prisms, and void spheres, two universes where division by zero is possible. The other two circumstances don't have any exceptions whatsoever.
- ↑ I should probably explain what Pandi-prisms and void spheres are. Pandi-prisms are basically the dimensions around dimensions. They govern the ways normal and elementary particles work. They contain an infinite amount of dimensions, which each contain an infinite amount of universes. Void spheres are not always spheres, so I really should've named them something else, but who cares. They can be any form of circular shape and govern how many spatial dimensions there are, how time works, and how probability works. Each one contains an infinite number of Pandi-prisms, and there are an infinite number of void spheres. I made both of these words up, so don't complain about the grammar.
- ↑ Outside of the realm of nonsense is a place where everything contradicts everything else but doesn't at the same time. Physics go haywire and don't work but still work at the same time. There are the extremes in contradiction, but there are also the in-betweens and non-contradictions. In short, it makes absolutely no sense. The gargantuan yam is the only true absolute definite thing watching over our realm of nonsense, the only realm of nonsense, and all other realms of nonsense.
- ↑ Its sentience still resides in the Hashbrown Gods, but most of its body was destroyed or scattered in the explosion.
- ↑ There is the reproductive system, yes, and the nervous system, but those are too irrelevantly small compared to the galactic fish to matter in any way.
- ↑ mentioned above
- ↑ There are two subclasses of potassienlightend Friesfolk, whom there can be an infinite number of; the Solanae, who meet the same level of approval as a Solanum from a Starchmaster who already has fifteen in a group, making them automatically viable as Solanae if they were to be put in another group (despite the overly complicated nom/denom rules), and the Friesfolk, who would just be regular Friesfolk if they weren't potassienlightend. Friesfolk is pronounced as "freeze-folk" would be.
