Nanna Tubes

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Nanna tubes are long, strong |tubes of a specific shape designed for the efficient transportation of grandmothers.

They are absolutely not tubes made out of or extracted from bananas, which would be completely unethical and not cost-effective.

Nannas are normally propelled along the tubes by compressed air, although if the grandmother is in a serious hurry (eg. she is late for bingo) rocket propulsion can be used.


Nanna tubes discovered on October 17, 1989, two days before the reincarnation of the world's first nanna, Maria Curie, as a particle accelerator. Tubes themselves were not discovered until 2002 by Ted Stevens and Al Gore, who used them to invent TUBENET.

The first nanna tube was a happy accident that occurred when someone's grandmother published the results of chemical and structural characterization of carbon nanoparticles produced by a thermocatalytical disproportionationscionwowthisisalongwordanion of carbon monoxide. One scientist was so infuriated upon reading the paper that he burst into flames. The paper quickly caught fire also, resulting in much carbon that formed a neat tube about the burning grandparent. After a long, painful, extensive, prolonged, drawn-out legal battle, the nanna who wrote the paper won the patent on the invention, claiming that without her inflammatory article, nanna tubes would never have been discovered.

Rapid development of nanna tube science has resulted in many fine examples of nanna tubes around the world.


Nanna tubes are traditionally made from carbon. The carbon is rolled into a sheet around the SI Standard Nanna (Granny Upwey, North Fitzroy, Melbourne, Australia; please feed the cats if you call and find her dead). The tube is then laid out either underground, next to telephone cables, or in the air, where the negative refractive index of carbon means that the tubes are invisible.

Carbon is by far the best material to make nanna tubes from, as other materials quickly abrade the clothes and skin of travelling nannas, in a manner similar to sandpaper rubbing on wood or diamond. Carbon results in several layers of smooth graphite that travel with the nanna, protecting her from large amounts of friction.

Several other materials have had rigorous scientific studies conducted as to their usefulness in nanna tubes:

Material Nanna Erosion Factor Remarks
Carbon 0.002E-14 A very low erosion factor, unnoticeable to most nannas.
Clay 0.3 Quite a low erosion factor, but clay nanna tubes are extremely expensive compared to carbon nanna tubes.
Cement 1.7 Eroding 1.7 nannas per second at a nanna-velocity of 100m/s, Cement burns through nannas just too quickly, and the nannas that survived their trips through the test cement nanna tubes stated that they did not enjoy the experience.
Steel 0.2 Steel was quite a promising material until test nannas were fired through a tube. The steel melted with depressing ease as a result of the friction.
Mud  ? The testers could not get the mud nanna tube to hold its shape long enough to send a nanna through it.
Neutronium Nannas were absorbed instantly into the neutronium nanna tube, which then tended to collapse into a black hole. The scientists involved decided nanna transportation wasn't as important as preventing the earth from being compressed into a ball smaller than your pupil, so they gave up on neutronium and threw the black holes into the London Subway System where they vanished without a trace.[1]

Carbon nanna tubes are primarily viable because carbon is cheaply available to anyone with a blimp. A short expedition up to the greenhouse layer can easily yield several tons of carbon.

Big Nanna Tubes[edit]

Nanna tubes several kilometres long have been constructed. The largest is in Tokyo, Japan where nannas are transported daily between the Tokyo Gardens and a large nursing home on the outskirts of the city. The general public is not normally aware of nanna tubes as most nursing homes believe this treatment of nannas would be frowned upon. However, the nannas themselves love it, it being the only excitement in their otherwise drab and meaningless existences.

Alternative Uses[edit]

No alternative uses of nanna tubes have ever been discovered.


  1. This is not really a reference, made you look!