I Fucking Love John "Bermuda" Schwartz
No, seriously. John "Bermuda" Schwartz is fucking awesome. Agree with me? You're awesome too. I have scientific evidence on my side. John "Bermuda" Schwartz is the very definition of classical music, and may even be an incarnation of Moses himself. Here's why.
John "Bermuda" Schwartz
John "Bermuda" Schwartz is an American drummer in the area of Travis Barker from blink-182, Lars Ulrich, and Proscriptor. The idea is that you draw lines between these drummers and then inside the triangle there is Bermuda. Simple!...if someone knew who Proscriptor was. "Oh noes mommy! The evil black metal drummer is going to rape me in the rectum!!!" Grow up! John "Bermuda" Schwartz is no less than "Weird Al" Yankovic's life-long drummer, and here's a hint: Al's band is 100% awesomeness. These are the same people that came up with perfect albums like Off the Deep End and Alapalooza, and now you're trying to tell me that this one specific member of the band armed with drum sticks is going to come out like the latest part of the Alien saga and be nothing else but awesome? No way, because that part was no doubt lame and John "Bermuda" Schwartz is definitely awesome.
Hell, Paris of Hilton, the world's biggest largest blowage facilty, whose fucking job it is to know which drummers will suck or, contrary, be sucked most often, says that John "Bermuda" Schwartz is a piece of work. She will charge you extra to suck your cock if you tell her you are John "Bermuda" Schwartz. And by Moses, if Paris Hilton will charge a drummer higher premiums for blowing him, then the odds are pretty strong that said drummer is awesome.
I have many bermudas in my underwear drawer. Bermudas are so comfortable. There's no way a bermuda won't be comfortable because no human being has testicles so big that it will become too crowded inside the bermuda. 
Also, thongs are the natural enemy of bermudas because one is narrow and one-dimensional and one is wide and three-dimensional. Thongs are lame and thus would not permit a bermuda in their neighborhood. There are no thongs in my drawer.
And even given that I would own a thong and given that it layed near a bermuda, why would I want to fill it with my testicles? I can think of much better uses for that thong. Strangle the person who invented the thongs, for example! In shorts, thongs are lame and bermudas are awesome.
Say Something, Dammit
Merciful meatballs, can we start hearing about John "Bermuda" Schwartz? How can you not express your love for this drumming awesomeness? You can't! Yes, that goes for this article too. You must read it in complete.
Hell, this article is over now. You fucking love John "Bermuda" Schwartz.
- Unless you're John "Bermuda" Schwartz.