HowTo:Sing The Blues
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Luckily, nobody cares.
Some will win some will lose some were born to sing the blues. The following is a scientifically designed checklist. You can use it to determine whether or not you can sing the blues. If you find that you are an unsuitable candidate for blues singing, please burn your guitar and/or harmonica and cut your damn hair, you stupid hippy.
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Helped out by One-eyed Banana Jack, Blind Dripping Yellow, Screaming Yellow Lemon, and ....you! (We hope.)
Warning: All Plagiarised Material is put in Blue. Please Rewrite the blue material or Chuck Norris will come to your house and roundhouse kick you. After that we will huff your corpse, eat it, throw it down into a grue pit and burn your mother-in law with a toy car. Then huff it again.
How To Sing The Blues
1. Start out with a gloomy line like "My baby done left me for a fat-leggy bullfrog" or "I woked up this morning with a monkey on my face" or "I got these blues so bad I cain't wake up this morning."
2. Do NOT start out with a line like "I'm so happy I could dance" or "My darling, you look beautiful tonight" or "I woke up this morning and drove my Rolls Royce to the athletic club for a game of squash with Donald Trump".
3. Blues are simple. The first line is something bad, the second line repeats the bad, and the last line rhymes with the first two. Simply pick two words out of a rhyming dictionary and then write your blues verse.
- Car and guitar:
- My baby done drove off to Memphis in my car,
- My sweet baby ran off to Memphis in my car,
- All I gots is the blues and this cardboard guitar.
- Off and golf:
- I woked up this mornin' with my legs sawed off,
- Yeah, woked up this morning, both legs was sawed off,
- Tried to call my doctor, he was out playin' golf.
- Fork and cork:
- Got the suppertime blues so bad I cain't pick up a fork,
- Suppertime blues is so bad I cain't even lift up a fork,
- Gots a bottle of wine but I just cain't pop the cork.
4. The Blues are hopeless. Your sweet baby got hit by a train, you are in constant pain, you can't get shut of that bad cocaine, a zombie ate your brain, all it ever does is rain, and it just repeats again and again.
5. A common mistake made by first-time blues musicians is the confusion of "The Blues" with it's younger cousin, "Rhythm And Blues". Despite the similarity in names, the two types of music bear no similarity to each other. Blues musicians are typically fat, old and black (blind is a plus, but not necessary), whereas R&B singers are buff, young and half-black (straight is a plus, but not necessary). According to the 1987 treaty, R&B singers should stay away from Gibson Les Pauls, and blues singers should never, under any circumstances, film a video where they are shirtless in the rain.
Blues cars: Chevys and Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft an' state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in St. Paul or Tucson is just depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any place that don't get rain.
A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cuz you skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg cuz an alligator be chomping on it is.
You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.
Good places for the Blues:
- a. highway
- b. jailhouse
- c. empty bed
- d. bottom of a whiskey glass
- a. Ashrams
- b. gallery openings
- c. Ivy League institutions
- d. golf courses
- e. weddings (well, some cases excepted)
11. Dressing for the Blues:
- Transvestites cannot sing the blues. Do not wear a cocktail dress if you are a male blues singer. (A female blues singer is allowed to dress in overalls in states south of the Mason-Dixon Line, however.)
- A rumpled, wine-stained suit is Blues. A clean polyester suit with padded shoulders is not Blues, it's Gospel. A torn denim jacket is Blues. A black leather jacket held on with stainless steel nails is not Blues, it's Metal.
- Worn-down work boots are Blues, and so are scuffed black dress shoes. Doc Martens are Punk, Reeboks are Hip-Hop, and rubber boots are Sheepherder. Get the right shoes on the right feet and you can take your first steps to the Blues.
Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if:
- a. you're older than dirt
- b. you're blind
- e. you done been mistreated by your woman
- c. you shot a man in Memphis
- d. you can't be satisfied
- a. you have all your teeth
- b. you were once blind but now can see
- c. the man in Memphis lived.
- d. you shot the man in Memphis, but not just to watch him die.
- e. you have a retirement plan or trust fund.
- f. you didn't shoot a man in Memphis.
If you ask for water and Baby give you gasoline, it's the Blues.
Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
- a. wine
- b. whiskey or bourbon
- c. muddy water
- d. black coffee
- e. one bourbon, one scotch, one beer
The following are NOT Blues beverages:
- a. mixed drinks
- b. kosher wine
- c. Snapple
- d. sparkling water
If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, and dying lonely on a broken down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or getting liposuction.
Some Blues names for women:
- a. Sadie
- b. Big Mama
- c. Bessie
- d. Fat River Dumpling
Some Blues names for men:
- a. Robert
- b. Willie
- c. Little Willie
- d. Big Willie
- e. Blind Willie
- f. "Guitar" Willie
- g. Big Willie Bob
- h. Anything ending in King (BB King, Albert King, Martin Luther King, etc.)
Persons with names like Sierra, Sequoia, Auburn, and Rainbow can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
Make your own Blues name (starter kit):
- a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
- b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi,etc.)
- c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
And don't be considerin' dumb names like Mute Tomato Reagan or OCD Prune Coolidge. Names like that, best you be startin' a punk band instead.
I don't care how tragic your life is: you own a computer, you cannot sing the blues. You best destroy it. Fire, a spilled bottle of Mad Dog, or get out a shotgun. A magnet. I don't care.
P.S. Honkies can't sing the blues.
Some bad topics for blues songs, with examples
- Your SUV
- Recessed Lighting
- Being aquitted
- Upgrading your DVD burner from 16x to 32x
- Editing Uncyclopedia
- Examples of Bad Blues
- My iPod done stopped, it don't play no punk rock no more.
- Yeah my iPod she done stopped, ain't gonna play no punk no more.
- If resetting it don't do nuthin' I'm gonna take it to the Apple Store©.
- Well my Enron stock is worthless, my WorldCom stock is too
- Yes my Enron stock is worthless and my WorldCom stock is too
- You know my golf clubs are all broken and my country club membership is due.
- I wrote an Uncyclopedia article all about Key Lime pie,
- Oh I wrote a little satire on a nation called Key Lime pie,
- Some derned ole admin huffed it, now all I do is cry.