HowTo:Create a Cult

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Have you ever wanted to be powerful leader that people idolize? Have you ever wanted to possess an army of brainwashed slaves that obey your every word? Have you ever wished that people would willingly give you their money which you can stash in a pile in your basement? Then perhaps creating your very own cult is the right way to proceed.

Things you'll need[edit]

  • A shit ton of charisma.
  • A group of people that can be manipulated (lower-income, suburban families with young children make an easy target).
  • A tax-exempt status as a "religious organization."
  • Some made-up crap that you and your followers can worship.
  • Minimalist, somber music. Bonus points if the only lyrics are a chilling, infinitely repeating phrase that you an your followers can chant. Out of ideas? Try this!

Getting started[edit]

All cults have to start somewhere. The trick to getting a hoard of dumbass followers is, of course, deception. Pretend to found a charitable religious organization. A church, shall we say? Act like you are helping the community. Anything you can do to make life less shitty for them will work. Take small "donations" that get bigger with time, to keep them hooked and as not to scare them off. Do creepy activities with your followers that make them feel like special snowflakes. And don't forget to preach your bullshit! Make it seem less radical at first, but once they are hooked, go all out. Finally, be sure to test them every now and then, seeing what they are willing to do for your cult. Monitor their progress. Once they are completely dependent on you, move on to the next step.

Now, move to a sh#thole country![edit]

Now that you have gathered a following, tell your supporters to pack their bags so you can move to an undeveloped, deserted place that nobody cares about where you can keep your activities secret, and where no one can leave. For example:

  • South America
  • Africa
  • Antarctica
  • Detroit, MI

Before you leave, ask for a hefty donation from your followers. Stash the money in a Swiss bank account. Once you're there, build a shitty slum village without plumbing or electricity for your followers and call it "paradise".

See? Paradise!

Then build your house, and make it really nice. Don't let your followers see it. Now that you have set up camp, force people to work in the fields to feed them, and make others work in little shops where they can make stuff for you to sell. Tell (lie) to them that you will donate it. Most people will be content with this, but if anyone suspects foul play, shoot them.

End it All[edit]

All cults must come to an end at some point, right? Besides, there are many reasons to end your cult, such as:

  • You've made enough money and it's time to cash out.
  • You have been abusing people and you need to bury the evidence before the feds show up.
  • You enjoy watching people die.

So now you must kill all of your followers. If you are good cult leader, this should not cause you too much distress, because who cares about them? Do not kill them yourself, though. They must commit mass suicide. Think up an elaborate way for them to kill themselves, like poisoning, shooting themselves, or throwing themselves into an active volcano while singing "I've Got a Lovely Bunch of Coconuts" in three-part harmony. Bonus points for creativity! Now, gather all your followers and tell them your plan. Justify it with wacko religious crap. For the select few that protest, use the power of persuasion, or the power of stabbing them while they sleep, whichever you prefer. Now you will be left with people ready to kill themselves. Order them to end their lives, and start a creepy recording of the whole process for investigators to find later. Tell your followers you want to be the last to go. Once they have killed themselves, catch the next flight home, assume a new identity, and live out the rest of your days living in a huge mansion, sleeping on your money pit, and paying women for sexual favors, because remember, ego, money, and sex are the only thing that matter in life, right? Our president agrees!