Bat Fuck Moped
“Damn the bats, full speed ahead!”
BAT FUCK MOPEDS were a popular form of transportation for the rich and paranoid in the 1930s. The first was built in an by anagrammarian and extreme dietician John Harvey Kellogg in June of 1928. He was largely inspired by his work at the Battle Creek Sanitarium, following practices based on the Seventh-day Adventist Christian denomination and drinking blazed hyenas blood three times a year.
Based on the frame of the Italian Bugatti T-7 Moped with a beefed up 15bhp 3-stroke engine, the vehicle is basically a 20mm cannon on wheels. Bruno Spattinaolli of Wikia Commons refers to this paramilitary piece of hardware as the, "logical extension of the Bat Fuck Howitzer."
The Kellogg brothers borrowed from an ingenious plan to keep non-Christians, most especially Jews, away from their Sanitarium. Their weapon was to strike at the heart of Hebrew weakness; keeping Kosher. Instead of exploding like traditional munitions, the shells break open enroute to the target, releasing a decidedly not-Kosher, highly trained bat which zeros in on the enemys' face and vigorously fucks it.
Only the Kelloggs and a select few security staff used these formidable vehicles to patrol the vast acreage of the Sanitarium. These prized tools of self-defense were handed down through generations, until the last 3 were used at Waco in defense of Godly people. Their destruction by ATF stormtroopers was complete and merciless.
“I wouldn't own one.”
Bat fuck insane Italians
Benito Mussolini formed special fast urban anti-tank brigades based around the spry little machines. Against the advice of Admiral Enzo Ferrari, bat fuck mopeds were deployed to the beaches in defense of Anzio, but they were no match for the Allied naval bombardment. Dozens of the vehicles were destroyed in minutes during a barrage, but not before the 83rd Brigata Chiroptera (Bat Brigade) had dumped their bikes and fled for cover. Recalls a member of the brigade during the battle, "We were certainly insane, and we did man bat fuck mopeds, but, we weren't crazy."
Il Douche also commissioned a paratrooper division to drop bat fuck mopeds into enemy-held positions. With metals in short supply, however, Italian industry simply could not replace damaged and destroyed equipment of any kind, so the scheme was scrapped..
“Damn the bats, full speed ahead!”
“Certain things happen at certain times which are beyond our comprehension. One of those is Schrödinger's Jesus.”
Answering for their crimes will be Dyan Cannon and a stable of otters. Lawyers for the proceedings will be drawn at random from a pot of Beef Rings. Starring as "Rachel Ray" will be a nice Alfredo dish with onions, parsley, creamed corn, and stout ale.
No weed was smoked during the making of this film. All rights reserved a table at George's Pizza yesterday. In another universe, we might all be midgets. With the advent of "Scoobie Doo" technology, all these problems have been rendered moot.
- Bat Fuck Insane
- Nonexistent Article
- Reptilian Agenda
- Barbra Streisand
- Bat Fuck Howitzer
- Mental illness
- Tom Cruise
| Quasi-Featured Article (23 April 2013)
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