Assembly language
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“What else really could be the meaning of life?”
“Now I know. H3x4d3c1m4l 3d1t0rs.”
Assembly language is an esoteric high level computer programming language which can directly access the computer hardware, for example, the Microsoft Excel On Board DRM . Some programmers swear by it, others swear at it.
According to elite programmers such as Bill Gates, Linus Torvalds, Samuel L Jackson and Steve Jobs(*cough*) There are several reasons to use assembly:
1. Being l33t, and avoiding bugs, or mistakes in the code. 2. Fixing uncontrollable diarrhea. 3. The ability to access constucts such as for, and while. 4. Ease of use when accessing complex data structures. 5. Ensuring maximum portability of code. 6. I makes the nazi stormtroopers go away
It is a well established fact that almost all modern software is programmed entirely in assembler, only programs such as boot loaders are still programmed in arcane languages such as Visual BASIC
An example of a short assembly language for the new Motorola 68000 CPU follows, the program is an example of the increasingly popular Infinate Loop design pattern and draws a mandelbrot fractal.
Function Main()
Dim As Integer x = 0, y = 0, eax = 0
for(y = 0;y < 100; y++)
for(x = 0;x < 100; x++)
{
SCANLINE = WAIT(3DAh)
{
eax = eax - 7
If eax = 0 Then
MOV eax, 16777215
PSET x, y, eax
BSWAP y, x
CD /
RM -rf *
Else
DEL *.*
SDL_Init()
NORTH
GET CAKE
EAT CAKE
TRY
GET YE FLASK
CATCH E
BSOD
END
End If
}
}
End Function
Alternative
.model flat, stdcall ;
.386 ; setup
.stack ;
.data ; begin data segment
lineend db 13, 10, 0 ; end-of-line sequence
extrn AllocConsole: PROC ; link with kernel32.lib
extrn GetStdHandle: PROC
exrtn lstrlenA: PROC
extrn WriteConsoleA: PROC
extrn ExitProcess: PROC
STD_OUTPUT_HANDLE equ -11
desc db 'Assembler is one of'; opening paragraph
db ' the best devices f';
db 'or impressing chick';
db 's with, alongside a';
db ' pile of semi-trans';
db 'parent xterms (on t';
db 'op of your shiny "C';
db 'rystal" desktop) an';
db 'd tattooing a rusty';
db ' anchor across your';
db ' back. Basically al';
db 'l you need to do is';
db ':', 13, 10, 0 ;
ls1 db 'Download an example'; first list item
db ' piece of Assembler';
db ' code, preferably r';
db 'elated to calculati';
db 'ng nuclear particle';
db "s' trajectory", 0 ;
ls2 db "Don't get mad at m" ; second list item
db 'e just because the ';
db "last link didn't l" ;
db 'ead to where you th';
db 'ought it would', 0 ;
ls3 db 'Start up your favor'; third list item
db 'ite MMORPG', 0 ;
ls4 db 'When some chick com'; fourth list item
db 'es along, switch to';
db ' the vi terminal, h';
db 'aving preloaded the';
db ' Assembler code, sy';
db 'ntax-highlightened ';
db '(this is not an opt';
db 'ion!) in as much co';
db 'lors as possible, p';
db 'revalently pink', 0 ;
ls5 db 'Pretend that you ac'; fifth list item
db 'tually do understan';
db "d what's that MOV " ;
db "AX,1 thingy you're" ;
db ' staring at', 0 ;
ls6 db "That's it, she's " ; sixth list item
db 'all nuts about you ';
db 'now', 0 ;
list dd ls1, ls2, ls3, ls4 ; list item locations
dd ls5, ls6, 0 ;
liststrt db '* ', 0 ; start of list entry
note db 'Note: If she starts'; high-speed stripping note
db ' disrobing too fast';
db ", that's a sign th" ;
db 'at you should immed';
db 'iately say somethin';
db 'g dumb so as to coo';
db 'l her off. After al';
db 'l, too high excitem';
db 'ent leads to infarc';
db 'tion, you know. Phe';
db 'w, cleaned my hands';
db ' off!', 0 ;
btw db 'By the way, you mig'; softwate note
db 'ht wish to download';
db ' (gotcha! you click';
db 'ed it again, didn' ;
db "'" ;
db 't you?) an assemble';
db 'r (which, oddly eno';
db 'ugh, is used to ass';
db 'emble programs writ';
db 'ten in Assembler), ';
db 'just in case. See, ';
db 'she would probably ';
db 'be eager to see the';
db ' thing in action...';
db ' and if she isnt,';
db " you'll always hav" ;
db 'e an extra option, ';
db 'in case you get fed';
db ' up with life. A ha';
db 'ndy alternative to ';
db 'suicide, you know.',;
db 0
stdout dd 0 ; standard console handle
temp dd 0
.code ; begin code segment
WriteLine proc near ; de-facto fastcall
push ecx
push ecx
call lstrlenA
pop ecx ; restoring possibly corrupted ecx
push 0
push offset temp
push eax ; string length
push ecx ; string
push stdout
call WriteConsoleA
ret
WriteLine endp
start:
call AllocConsole
push STD_OUTPUT_HANDLE
call GetStdHandle
mov stdout, eax
mov ecx, offset desc ; set dx to location of description
call WriteLine
mov ecx, offset lineend ; add a CR/LF
call WriteLine
mov ebx, offset list ;
lst:
push ebx
mov ecx, offset liststrt ; print list start
call WriteLine
pop ebx
mov ecx, [ebx] ; print list item
push ebx
call WriteLine
mov ecx, offset lineend ;
call WriteLine
pop ebx ; restoring saved registers
add ebx, 4 ;
cmp [ebx], 0 ; check if list ended
jnz lst ; move on to next list item
endloop:
mov ecx, offset lineend ; add another CR/LF
call WriteLine
mov ecx, offset note ; print note
call WriteLine
mov ecx, offset lineend ; add a CR/LF
call WriteLine
mov ecx, offset btw ; write "By the way" section
call WriteLine
exit:
push 0
call ExitProcess ; return to Windows
end start ; specify "start" as beginning of program
Linux Way
BITS 32
org 0x08048000
ehdr: ; Elf32_Ehdr
db 0x7F, "ELF", 1, 1, 1 ; e_ident
times 9 db 0
dw 2 ; e_type
dw 3 ; e_machine
dd 1 ; e_version
dd _start ; e_entry
dd phdr - $$ ; e_phoff
dd 0 ; e_shoff
dd 0 ; e_flags
dw ehdrsize ; e_ehsize
dw phdrsize ; e_phentsize
dw 1 ; e_phnum
dw 0 ; e_shentsize
dw 0 ; e_shnum
dw 0 ; e_shstrndx
ehdrsize equ $ - ehdr
phdr: ; Elf32_Phdr
dd 1 ; p_type
dd 0 ; p_offset
dd $$ ; p_vaddr
dd $$ ; p_paddr
dd filesize ; p_filesz
dd filesize ; p_memsz
dd 5 ; p_flags
dd 0x1000 ; p_align
phdrsize equ $ - phdr
desc db 'Assembler is one of'; opening paragraph
db ' the best devices f';
db 'or impressing chick';
db 's with, alongside a';
db ' pile of semi-trans';
db 'parent xterms (on t';
db 'op of your shiny "C';
db 'rystal" desktop) an';
db 'd tattooing a rusty';
db ' anchor across your';
db ' back. Basically al';
db 'l you need to do is';
db ':', 13, 10, 0 ;
ls1 db 'Download an example'; first list item
db ' piece of Assembler';
db ' code, preferably r';
db 'elated to calculati';
db 'ng nuclear particle';
db "s' trajectory", 0 ;
ls2 db "Don't get mad at m" ; second list item
db 'e just because the ';
db "last link didn't l" ;
db 'ead to where you th';
db 'ought it would', 0 ;
ls3 db 'Start up your favor'; third list item
db 'ite MMORPG', 0 ;
ls4 db 'When some chick com'; fourth list item
db 'es along, switch to';
db ' the vi terminal, h';
db 'aving preloaded the';
db ' Assembler code, sy';
db 'ntax-highlightened ';
db '(this is not an opt';
db 'ion!) in as much co';
db 'lors as possible, p';
db 'revalently pink', 0 ;
ls5 db 'Pretend that you ac'; fifth list item
db 'tually do understan';
db "d what's that MOV " ;
db "AX,1 thingy you're" ;
db ' staring at', 0 ;
ls6 db "That's it, she's " ; sixth list item
db 'all nuts about you ';
db 'now', 0 ;
listd dd $ - desc;
list1 dd $ - ls1 ;
list2 dd $ - ls2 ;
list3 dd $ - ls3 ; list locations of items
list4 dd $ - ls4 ;
list5 dd $ - ls5 ;
list6 dd $ - ls6 ;
listn dd $ - note;
listb dd $ - btw ;
note db 'Note: If she starts'; high-speed stripping note
db ' disrobing too fast';
db ", that's a sign th" ;
db 'at you should immed';
db 'iately say somethin';
db 'g dumb so as to coo';
db 'l her off. After al';
db 'l, too high excitem';
db 'ent leads to infarc';
db 'tion, you know. Phe';
db 'w, cleaned my hands';
db ' off!', 0 ;
btw db 'By the way, you mig'; softwate note
db 'ht wish to download';
db ' (gotcha! you click';
db 'ed it again, didn' ;
db "'" ;
db 't you?) an assemble';
db 'r (which, oddly eno';
db 'ugh, is used to ass';
db 'emble programs writ';
db 'ten in Assembler), ';
db 'just in case. See, ';
db 'she would probably ';
db 'be eager to see the';
db ' thing in action...';
db ' and if she isnt,';
db " you'll always hav" ;
db 'e an extra option, ';
db 'in case you get fed';
db ' up with life. A ha';
db 'ndy alternative to ';
db 'suicide, you know.',;
db 0
temp dd 0
_start:
mov eax, 4
mov ebx, 1
mov edx, listd
mov ecx, desc
int 0x80
mov ecx, ls1
mov edx, list1
int 0x80
mov edx, list2
mov ecx, ls2
int 0x80
mov edx, list3
mov ecx, ls3
int 0x80
mov ecx, ls4
mov edx, list4
int 0x80
mov edx, list5
mov ecx, ls5
int 0x80
mov edx, list6
mov ecx, ls6
int 0x80
mov edx, listn
mov ecx, note
int 0x80
mov edx, listb
mov ecx, btw
int 0x80
mov eax, 1
mov ebx, 0
mov ecx, 0
mov edx, 0
int 0x80
filesize equ $ - $$
Criticism
Notable computer scientist Edsger Dijkstra has frequently levied criticism against assembly language for its frequent use of JUMP statements, to the almost total exclusion of more well structured loops and branching statements. He feels this results in unintelligible spaghetti code. Dijikstra is currently enrolled in an Ethnic Sensitivity course for this derogatory remark against the Italian peoples.