2022 Philippine general election
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“The higher your position in government, the smaller your balls become.”
The 2022 Philippine general "election" was held on May 9, 2022 to elect a new Monarch, members of Congress, and several other lordships across the archipelago - except in barangays, they don't matter. The election was held to select the successor to both incumbent King Rodrigo Duterte and Queen Consort Leni Lugaw, 316 members of the House, 12 members of the Senate, the 81 dukes and duchesses, and other offices. Elections to a new Bangsomoro Parliament would've been held but were moved to 2025, because God forbid the Mindanaoans have anything nice.
The election marked the restoration of the Marcos dynasty, 36 years after their ouster by the People Pawis Revolution of 1986. The UniTeam, an eternal alliance between the Marcoses and the Dutertes, dominated the elections by bringing together two Filipino pastimes - stolen shoes and budots.
Background[edit | edit source]
As per law, elections are held every three years to determine which nepo-babies get to hold power in the Philippines. The Monarch, their consort, and Senators serve six-year terms, while all other elected officials serve three. Monarchs may only serve one consecutive term, for Senators two, and for House members three - yet term limits won't stop them from reigning for years. This is a dynastic feudal monarchy, after all.
Elections are typically held through a process known as "blind dick-measuring," where candidates show off how immensely corrupt and likely they are to become sellouts in front of hordes of stinky, mindless Filifinos. The winner is decided by whose crimes against humanity the electors are willing to forget. Due to this, political parties usually only exist as a momentary orgy of the most well-known dicks until a new one arises to take its place. Tactics include:
- Putting your face and your name in every corner and asscrack you can find
- Making shit up on the holy website of Facebook
- Hypnosis via shitty viral electro-music
- Existing (so long as you have the right DNA or facial features)
- Sucking popular dicks
Candidates For President (The Ones Who Matter)[edit | edit source]
Prince Bongbong Marcos (Profile Picture)[edit | edit source]
After being crushed by the power of feminism during the previous election for Consort, Prince Bongbong Marcos, or BBM as he is known, the son of former King Ferdinand "Nutribun" Marcos and Queen Imelda the Shoestealer, decided to run for the job his father once held. Due to his powerhouse of cocksuckers, people largely forgot about the shit that happened during Martial Law and largely supported his candidacy. He made a deal with the devil to secure an alliance between himself and the incumbent Countess of Davao, Princess Sara Z. Duterte, beloved giver of fists to the face and the daughter of then-King Rodrigo Duterte. He would run for Monarch, and Duterte his consort. This alliance was known as the UniTeam, likely because Filifinos would vote for anything with a positive adjective and half-decent acting skills.
He ran under the Federal Party of the Philippines, the PFP, whose logo was reportedly a boomer's first attempt at Photoshop.
Queen Consort Leni Lugaw (Independent)[edit | edit source]
Leni Lugaw, notable girlboss and incumbent Consort of the Philippines, had defeated BBM in 2016. However, she had also been exiled from court due to her opposition to basically everything during the reign of Duterte - his war against drugs, his handling of rebels, and his softness with China (both geopolitically and pandemically), She was sidelined even before her exile, being appointed Head of the Council of Shanties and Seas of Garbage. With support from her base of libtards and people with undeveloped prefrontal cortexes, she ran for Monarch as an independent candidate. She chose pink as her campaign color to cement her girlboss persona, and not the yellow of her previous affiliation, the Liberal Party. As we all know, yellow is the color of commies and servants of the evil queen Corazon Aquino.
Contrary to popular belief, Robredo is not her maiden name.
Senator Manny Pacquiao (PROMDI)[edit | edit source]
The famed thrower of hands, national hero, and incumbent senator himself: Manny Pacquiao. He had fallen out with King Duterte prior to the elections and, instead of gently placing a fist up his ass, as he usually would, he instead attempted to take control of the monarch's party, PDP-Laban (Partido ng Demokratikong Pilipino - Lakas ng Bayan). Then, again, instead of caving the King's skull in, he instead decided to run for monarch, leaving his Senate seat open for the taking. His supporters in the monarch's party nominated him for the position.
He ran under PROMDI, a party known by approximately zero people, founded by some Duke of Cebu.
Mayor Isko Moreno (Aksyon)[edit | edit source]
Isko Moreno was the mayor of the capital of Manila, renowned fuckboy, and legendary musical enemy of al-Freddy. In 2022, he decided to run for monarch after initially declining, stating that, despite polls saying he'd be a favorite to win, he was dealing with more important manners - mainly, keeping Manileños from spreading conyos, traffic, and mountains of garbage to the rest of the archipelago. However, deciding that the spread was inevitable anyway, he ran for President under the Democratic Action party, which was named after an oxymoron.
Senator Panfilo Lacson (Independent)[edit | edit source]
Having had his ass whooped by Queen GMA in 2004, who he himself helped put into power while he was chief of police during the fall of King Joseph Estrada, Senator Panfilo Lacson decided to try again 18 years later instead of running for reelection to the Senate. He ran as an independent after resigning from the Reform Party, which was hungry for lugaw during the election season and so left him behind for Queen Leni. Ouch, politics hurts.
Candidates for Vice President (Again, Only The Big Dicks)[edit | edit source]
Princess Sara Duterte (Lakas)[edit | edit source]
The beloved daughter and girlboss spawn of King Duterte, having shaved her head to support her father's run for monarch and punched multiple officials in the face, Sara Z. Duterte decided to continue to reign of her father by playing consort to Prince Bongbong Marcos. After confusing the public over who will run for who - a Duterte tradition - Sara ran for consort under the UniTeam alliance of Prince Marcos. She substituted for her party's original candidate, some nobody who was probably just there to fill the paperwork while she was busy beating up sheriffs. Her coalition with Marcos united the kleptocrats of his North and the mudfighters of her South.
She ran under Lakas-CMD (Lakas - Christian-Muslim Democrats), the party of her friend, fellow conspirator, former Queen, Speaker of the House, and incumbent evil shadow looming over government Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo.
Senator Kiko Pangilinan (Liberal)[edit | edit source]
Initially seeking reelection to the Senate, Kiko Pangilinan instead followed his queen and the successor to the dark lord Corazon, Leni Lugaw, in running for consort, like the good little Liberal he is. He dropped his bid for the Senate. All bees must follow their queen, after all.
Senator Tito Sotto (NPC)[edit | edit source]
Having served as President of the Senate throughout King Duterte's reign and overseen the wipeout of the Liberals during the 2019 midterms, Tito Sotto and Panfilo Lacson announced they would be running together as running mates for King and Consort. They were the first to announce as a team, and he was term-limited, so he wasn't going back to the Senate anyway. He is one of the Trio Sottos, the three brothers who have plotted to seize control of comedy in the Philippines for decades.
He ran under the NPC, which stands for Nationalist People's Coalition, and not, as I wrongly believed, non-playable character.
Dr. Willie Ong (Aksyon)[edit | edit source]
Willie Ong is a doctor with, like, a radio show or something. That's it. Apparently, that's all you need, since he ran as Isko Moreno's consort.
Walden Bello (PLM)[edit | edit source]
Should not be in his list, but honestly he's so real that he's in here as an honorable mention. He ran under the Partido Lakas ng Masa (Party of the Laboring Masses) as consort for some socialist.
Congress of Nepo-Babies[edit | edit source]
The composition of the 19th Congress of the Philippines were chosen in this election, God help us.
Senate of the Philippines[edit | edit source]
Usually, all presidential candidates will have a slate comprised of nepo-babies who share their ideals or suck their dicks to get a shot at winning power. In this case, we have the UniTeam of Marcos and Duterte; the TRoPa (Filipino for group of dumbfucks) or Team Robredo-Pangilinan; the Tuloy ng Pagbabago (Continue the Progress) coalition, weirdly named after something politicians famously refuse to do; and other desperate alliances. Some candidates run as independents in order to get their names on as many slates as possible, praying to God above and Satan below that they get just enough votes to have a six-year mandate to steal as much funds as possible.
All Filifinos get 12 votes for the 12 seats available in the Senate.
Term-limited incumbents[edit | edit source]
- Franklin Drilon, Liberal, former President of the Senate, and human-Snorlax hybrid (Decided to commit to full-time napping)
- Ralph Recto, Nacionalista, former Minority Leader (Taking over for his wife in the House because he can't run for reelection, yet)
- Tito Sotto, NPC, President of the Senate (Preparing to get his ass kicked in the Consort race)
Retiring incumbents[edit | edit source]
- Panfilo Lacson, Reform (formerly), former police chief (Running for president because he has "a clear chance at winning," is lying to himself)
- Manny Pacquiao, PROMDI, famed ass-kicker (Trying not to beat people up to win this time)
- Kiko Pangilinan, Liberal, bee (Following his queen to his doom)
House of Nepotism[edit | edit source]
While most representatives (253) are elected locally via district elections - which are quite likely to return nepo-babies since, well, they're duking it out in their own turf - there are party-list elections where the 63 seats are apportioned based on how many votes whatever party goes epal enough to secure. Nobody usually gets a majority in these elections, and there are multiple parties with large portions of seats. However, because feudal politics in the Philippines are mainly about cock-sucking, most House members will gladly give up their dignity and individual pride to become playthings for the incumbent and the governing party. This includes switching parties midway through their term. This ensures that every monarch basically has control of the House going into their reign - for example, the Liberals, who were the dicks in charge then, won the most seats in 2016, but by 2019 most congressmen shifted to King Duterte's PDP-Laban, the new dicks in charge.
Term-limited or retiring incumbents[edit | edit source]
- Nope. Not dedicated enough for that.
The Duchies And Free Cities[edit | edit source]
Nothing much goes on down there except family drama, pretty much. Dynasties strangle their domains for another three years - big news. Wow. Amazing. If you're a nerd about these, sorry not sorry.
Results[edit | edit source]
For monarch and consort[edit | edit source]
| Candidate | Party | Votes | Percentage |
|---|---|---|---|
| H.H. Prince Bongbong Marcos | P.F.P. | Thieves and fisters | 58.77% |
| H.R.H. Queen Leni Lugaw | Independent | Wet rice eaters | 27.94% |
| Hon. Sen. Manny "Pacman" Pacquiao | PROMDI | Boxing bros and all of Sarangani | 6.81% |
| Hon. Mayor Isko Moreno | Aksyon | Carly Rae Jepsen fans | 3.59% |
| Hon. Sen. Panfilo Lacson | Independent | The ones who remember he exists | 1.66% |
| Faisal Mangondato | K.K.K. (Not that one) | Lanao del Sur for some reason | 0.56% |
| Ernesto Abella | Independent | Who are some of these people? | 0.21% |
| K. Leody de Guzman | P.L.M. | Damn commies! | 0.17% |
| Norberto Gonzales | P.D.S.P. | This guy was a secretary for GMA? | 0.17% |
| Jose Montemayor II | D.P.P. | Honestly, why even run at this point? | 0.11% |
As polls predicted, the Filifino people put the Marcoses back in power for the first time since 1986, completing the King-In-Exile character arc for the Philippines Season 5 and marking Prince Bongbong's vengeance against Queen Leni and her girlbossing that led to his defeat six years earlier. He was the first person to win a majority of votes cast since his father ran totally fair elections back when he was King. Most of his votes came from his northern domains and from the southern domains of his popular ally, Duterte, which helped him consolidate support. Meanwhile, Liberal strongholds that went for Leni back in 2016 followed their queen once more.
| Candidate | Party | Votes | Percentage |
|---|---|---|---|
| H.R.H. Princess Sara Z. Duterte | Lakas-C.M.D. | Still thieves and fisters | 61.53% |
| Hon. Sen. Kiko Pangilinan | Liberal | Cory's puppets | 17.82% |
| Hon. Sen. Tito Sotto | N.P.C. | Eat Bulaga! | 15.76% |
| Dr. Willie Ong | Aksyon | His viewers, likely | 3.59% |
| Hon. Rep. Lito Atienza | PROMDI | "Ay, Pac has a running mate pala..." | 0.52% |
| Manny SD Lopez | L.P.P. | Democrats, I guess | 0.56% |
| Walden Bello | P.L.M. | Who are some of these people? | 0.19% |
| Carlos Serapio | K.K.K. (Still not it) | Not even trying to be funny anymore | 0.17% |
| Rizalito David | D.P.P. | Y'all are nuisances honestly | 0.11% |
Duterte won a larger majority than Marcos (awkward) thanks to the relatively less oomph of the other candidates and because she's the daughter of a reigning king. Pretty obvious. The vote sources are pretty much the same, too, except that the central lugaw strongholds fell to division between Pangilinan and Sotto, allowing Duterte to sweep there as well. Her victory also meant that this is the first monarch-consort tandem to win since Queen GMA summoned Garci to attain victory over F.P.J., renowned actor and literally destined to be king as evidenced by his nickname - DA KING of action movies.
Now that a unified tandem has won, surely the executive branch will be united and a fracture between the monarch and their consort will never happen again.
For Senate[edit | edit source]
The top twelve vote-getters were:
- Robin Padilla (PDP-Laban - TnP, UniTeam) - Actor, renowned bad boy and fuckboy, Muslim, and honorifically titled Prince of Action. Despite having no experience, he won 27 million votes - because where would we be if it weren't for horny Filifinos.
- Loren "Law-di" Legarda (NPC - UniTeam, Lacson-Sotto, MP3, TnP) - Lawyer, former senator, former consort candidate, representative, environmentalist, and that woman who aired the catchy campaign song. Returned to the Senate with 24 million votes even as her son condemned her, yikes.
- Raffy Tulfo (Independent - MP3, Lacson-Sotto) - The Radio Demon, whose broadcasts are heard by all. Hypnotized around 23 million people to vote for him.
- Hon. Sen. Win Gatchalian (NPC - Uniteam) - Businessman, incumbent senator, and probably the one and only time naming your child "Win" actually works - at least for around 20 million people.
- H.H. Duke Chiz Escudero (NPC - Lacson-Sotto, MP3, TRoPa) - Duke of Sorsogpn, former senator, and named after the one thing his fellow rats in the government crave for more than public funds. Over 20 million put this moldy piece of shit into office with the rest.
- Mark Villar (Nacionalista - UniTeam, TnP) - Businessman, former Secretary of Shacks, Dirt, and Gravel (or roads, as Filifinos call it), former Head of Making Sure People Don't Do Dumb Shit While A Fucking Virus Is Rampaging, and creator of the heavens and the earth. Apparently, taking credit for everything gets you 19 million voters.
- Hon. Rep. Alan Peter Cayetano (Independent) - Former senator, former consort candidate, and dirty Speaker of the House who whined about upholding the integrity of a deal about giving up power: blah, blah, blah is democracy. About 19 million voters agreed.
- Hon. Sen. Migz Zubiri (Independent - UniTeam, TnP, MP3) - Senate majority leader about to discover the absolute hell he's gonna have to deal with later down the line. Hopefully. just under 19 million votes made him happy.
- Hon. Sen. Joel "Tesdaman" Villanueva (Independent - Lacson-Sotto, MP3, TRoPa) - Incumbent senator and ex-ghostbuster as the human incarnation of TESDA. Over 18 million people would like to thank him for that.
- H.R.H. Prince JV Ejercito (NPC - Lacson-Sotto, MP3) - Former senator and "the Good One," as opposed to... his brother or something? No idea. That's how you know he's trustworthy. Just look at his near 16 million voters! Too bad that Daddy Estrada had to share.
- Hon. Sen. Risa Hontiveros (Akbayan - TRoPa, LEAD) - Incumbent senator, sosyalist!!!!!1!, and journalist. What a great combination to be elected with in this day and age. Fifteen million agree.
- H.R.H. Prince Jinggoy Estrada (PMP - UniTeam, PMP) - Former senator, thief, "the Bad One," and son of former King and notorious fuckboy Joseph Estrada. He got 15 million votes.
For the House[edit | edit source]
PDP-Laban, the party of King Duterte, received a plurality of the seats (66). The Nacionalistas came second with 36, NPC third with 35, and the National Unity Party fourth with 33. Sara's Lakas-CMD secured big gains, attaining 26 seats, while the servants of Cory Aquino fell to 10. The others were won by minor parties no one gives a shit about. Don't worry, the House would make way for a new dick to be majoritarianally sucked, so don't expect PDP-Laban would be the main party for long.
Aftermath[edit | edit source]
That would take too long. For this episode of Philippine history, see: the UniTeam Arc (The Philippines, Season 5)