Cuba

“All your base are belong to us.”

~ Fidel Castro on Cuba

“You broke my heart, Fredo.”

~ Michael Corleone on Cuba

“Mi muerte significa nada!”

~ Che Guevara on Cuba

República de Cuba

(Flag of Cuba)
(Cuban Coat Of Arms)
(Hey, someone shit in the pool!)
National motto: "En Cuba, tenemos carros viejos de las cincuentas!"
Official language	Communism
Capital	Wherever Castro is
President (Head of State)	Fidel Castro
Vice President	Fidel Castro
Prime Minister (Head of Government)	Fidel Castro
Supreme Leader	Fidel Castro
Founder	Fidel Castro
King	Fidel Castro
Religion	Fidel Castro
National Hero (Mythology)	Tony Montana
Independence	821AD from Andorra
Currency	Cigars
National Sign	The 'Exit' Sign
National anthem	Row, Row, Row your boat
National Holiday	Oppression Day
National Motto	"Say Hello To My Little Friend"
National Enemy	George W Bush

Cuba is a cigar-shaped island off the coast of Florida, and is the world's leading supplier of Cubans, as well as the second-leading exporter of fine, Cuban cigars (second only to Mexico).

History

Founded by Castro in the late 1960's--yes, that's how it goes--Cuba was originally intended as a storage facility for Puerto Rico's nuclear waste, the by-product of it's horribly botched attempts at creating an army of chupacabras. However, the stinkin' Spaniards eventually took it upon themselves to populate the island. How the hell they got there remains a mystery to this day, as it is a well-known fact that Castro frequently deployed man-eating Frenchies around the waters of Cuba (the French of course being the natural predators of the Spanish). Though this was hardly enough to keep them at bay, apparently. Over the next few years, the country was ruled peacefully and smoothly by Castro, with no resistance or conflict whatsoever. Yes, como es como es--and that's all you or anybody else needs to know.

Communism in Cuba

Cuba is well known for its government's ability to unleash pain and destruction upon neighboring countries. Their government falls under the 'Communist' category, and has gained their own version, being called 'Cuban Communism'. It is a simple government, but its rules may be hard to get used to, and many people have confused it, not surprisingly, with a Satanist cult. They are as follows:

• Personal Developement

This rule bans any personal developement. All citizens of Cuba are accepted and remain at the social status of 'hobo'. Interestingly, some people have noticed that the people have better positions are more unhappy, and people with worse positions in society are less so, but there are really only two statuses in Cuban Communism: Government, and hobo.

• Government Superiority

This rule separates the weak from the much, much, weaker. A Government worker, which can be compared with the Pope (only he uses his power for undeniable evil), has two things which are considered very important: A life, and fifty bucks. The weaker option, the hobo, has neither of these things, and are therefore devoid of everything.

• Tyrant Superiority

The head of the Government (which can be compared with God+Jesus+Holy Spirit+bible+large amounts of money) has one more thing which cannot be obtained by either hobos or Government workers: whatever-tangible or intangible-the hell he wants. This means cuba has roughly one square metre of land which is allowed to be inhabited by inhabitants, and the remaining five square metres (there are also another few hundred kilometres, but those are taken up by the Tyrant's house) are covered with slaves and stuff the slaves are there to bring to the Tyrant's house.

Geography

File:Cuban flag.gif

The pre-1960's historical flag of Cuba.

(No, this is not the Puerto Rican flag!)

Cuba is the only country in the world that is a perfect cube, 'Cuba' is actually the cubist word for 'cube' and the island is too stupid to disagree. Unlike the Russian Ocean, which is often known to partake in philosophical debates. Because the terrain is perfectly flat, Cuba remains the only country in the world where the Glorious Spherical Cow can be reared. It's meat is known as 'el deliciossimo' and has been known to cause supper powers.

Cuba is 90 miles away from any point in the continental United States, thus the reason for why the Cuban Missile Crisis was such a crisis. Due to its short distance from the States, Cuba is the easiest Communist country to escape to America from. Because of this, Cuba has a highly vigorous black-market boat-building economy, which is highly ingenous in using things which aren't meant to float as parts for boats. Due to the level of Cuba boat craftsmanship, there is a policy in US emmigration that any boat-builder who can make a boat and sail it to the US is free to become a US citizen. THousands of Cuban boat-builders have used this loophole to become US citizens, and now they dominate the Florida boat-building industry.

Nukes  If you attack cuba you will be hit with 16 warheads an a massive airbourne attack

Famous Cubans

Cuba's most prominent citizen, Robert Downey Jr., won an Oscar for his role as Tom Cruise's lover in the blockbuster sci-fi animated porn movie "Tom, Jerry and Lizzie Maguire". Monica Lewinsky was made an honorary Cuban after undergoing secret initiation ceremonies by Bill Clinton in the Oval Office in the mid 1990s.

Ernő Rubik is the most famous social scientist in the history of the country. His singular crowd control device is displayed proudly on the flag of the country. Known as the Rubik's Cube, it is famed for its inate ability to redirect dangerous intellectuals into pursuing solutions to neverending and simplistic puzzles. The same twisting technique used on the Rubik's Cube is applied to the handling of inmate gonads at Cuba's prisons. Other inventions often attributed to Rubik include Go, lust, and cooking.

Dezi Arnez and his twin brother, Ricky Ricardo were famous Cubans, until the 1961 Bay of Pigs icident, in which the twin brothers used their connections with the CIA to air-drop armed pigs and warthogs into Cuba in an attempt to overthrow the Castro government. However, the move was a resounding failure for the CIA, and a great bonus for the Cuban people, as the invading pigs were soon slaughtered and used to feed the Cuban people. In Cuba, the term "when pigs fly" means someone just got a whole bunch of food dropped on them, and they want to have a party. In retribution for the Bay of Pigs invasion, Castro called up John F. Kennedy and had "I Love Lucy" cancelled.

As a people, common Cubans are known for having the most up-to-date cars (of the Eisenhower Era). Examples abound, such as the 1956 Packard, the 1957 Studebaker, and the 1959 Edsel.

Economy

‎Colin Powell enjoying a fine Cuban cigar.

A textbook example of free-market economy, Cuba has the world's highest levels of Education and Health. Remarkably, there is no homelessness or unemployment in Cuba, thanks to the strong Invisible Hand of the Free Market as postulated by economist Leit Kynes. With the support of George W. Bush, Cuba has led the way in many Capitalist initiatives.

The popular Cuban comedian/satirist, Latoya Jackson, saved thousands of bums in Cuba by telling them all to "show me the money".

Cuba's greatest export, the political refugee, also helps the Cuba boat-building economy in Cuba. Cuban boat-builders are the most ingenious boat-builders in the world, creating boats out of things that should not float, like concrete and old 1950's vehicles, as well as recycled roofing and plastic milk jugs.

Cuban militants are also trying to increase their wealth by selling "hardly used" military equipment to scandinavia. So far militants have only lost a fortune, because of the extremely high travel costs of the guys they have sent to claim delayed payments. scandinavian costumers have also complained about poor quality of the equipment they have recieved and number of costumers has dropped sharply recently. This may also be because of the delayed payment claiming methods of which only a few have survived.

Language

The most popular language in Cuba is Cubist. First created by Picasso in 1930, Cubist became the official language of Cuba in 1934. Until that time Cuba had no official language, making everyday conversation impossible. Cubans relied on semaphore, smoke signals and complex foot gestures. Ordering a meal for two at a Cuban restaurant usually took several days.

With the advent of Cubism as the official language, a profound change has swept Cuban society. All persons must order their food at restaurants by making a cubist painting that is a copy of a well known cubist masterpiece (a typical dinner will cost you two da Vinci's or three Van Gogh's). This has led the Cuban people to master the style of Cubism. All paintings become the property of the government who then sells them on the black market as "stolen originals" to dumbass art critics from New York City who think everything is art. the government employs high-pressure sales tactics to accomplish their aim.

The Cuba-Florida Joke

Wassup Ma Niggaz!

Since the age of the ancient Olmecs, the world renowned joke concerning Cuba and Florida has been a favorite with the Jewish cheap hotel lounge comedians.

COMEDIAN: Hey, you know what Florida is most famous for?

AUDIENCE: Whut. (Grudgingly.)

COMEDIAN: It's the penis of America! It pisses on Cuba! Isn't that great?

AUDIENCE kills COMEDIAN with broken Jack Daniels bottles and rotten ginger root

Famous Cubans

• Al Pacino
• El grande generalissimo y jefe del entero mundo, el esplendido Fidel Castro! FIDEL! FIDEL! FIDEL!
• Elian Gonzales
• Ricky Ricardo
• Jennifer Lopez
• Angel David Martinez

Guantanamo Bay (World)

The land constituting Guantanamo Bay was originally purchased to expand the Orlando, Florida based Theme park business. The commonly undertood business plan was to create a place more exciting than space by using cybernetics and virtual reality. The aim of this was to detract from the hubbub surrounding the Apollo Space Program, and steal all demand for advertising air time. Unfortunately, Camelot theme park of England, UK posed a great threat to the project and with its olde world attractions, and 'authentic' jousting it crushed any opposition. The project was a huge failure losing money at a rate of lots.p.a. However the United States Department of Defence decided to purchase the lemon in 2078 and then transport it back in time via technology originally produced in Area 51 by Arnold Schwarzenegger. The United States then converted the Theme Park into a US Naval Base (This involved changing the sign and adding live ammunition to the attractions).

Unfortunately some scandalous information has arisin from Guantanamo Bay such as the detainment of clowns within the park, and the use of torture methods including playing Slipknot and continous Bid-up.tv. Despite this the park retains a good relationship with the adjacent country of cuba, and enjoys many 10s of visitors each year.

See also

• Elections in Cuba
• Plots to overthrow Castro

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