Dinosaurs
Once upon a time, republicans aka dinosaurs wandered the earth. Like people. But with scales and spikes and sharp teeth and very, very tiny brains. Some of them could even fly. I wish I could.
Birth of the Dinosaurs
For most of recent history, the past thousand years or so, we caucasians have decided to believe that the world is no more than 5000 years old, give or take a millenium. Dinosaurs spat in the face of that argument. And for that, they were punished.
No ... that was the death of the dinosaurs ... this is the birth ... right ... Okay, so:
One night, late, around 2:30, which is really in the morning, but, see, this one late night, ancientologist Brim Hatfordson and his band of trained monkeys heard a noise, distant, in the woods beyond their small, quaint shack.
Brim himself had been sleeping. And he awoke in a fright at this sound, this horrible wail, this ungodly shriek. He thought himself under attack from one of the rogue armies of Banshees roaming the forest. He summoned his monkeys.
Seeing his monkey henchmen surrounding him in his room made him feel a bit more secure, and Brim leaped from his bed. His autobiography claims that "I (Brim), feeling more secure surrounded by my monkey henchmen, leaped up from my bed and cried, 'What is this voice, this screech of pain, that doth so wake me from my slumber? Speak now! You have my attention.'
"And the voice said to me, in republican hiss, 'We are the Dinosaurs. It has been long since our time has passed, but, soon, our time will begin again.'
"'What is this nonsense you speak, o hissing spirit?' I demanded, clutching my bedside candlestick.
"'Do you wish to know our secret, human?' the Dinosaur ghost wheezed. I nodded, shaking. 'Very well then ... it all began with the time machine ... '"
Dinosaurs and Time Machines
Fifteen years ago, deep in the heart of Volcano Island Mountain, in the underground lab, a team of scienticians toiled well into the night. Their project, a top-secret global plot to bring peace to humankind/huwomankind. Codename: Homewrecker.
It was a two part plan. Part one involved the creation and cloning of humans perfect in every way. These were to be beautiful, wise, all-knowing, conscientious creatures whose beatific ways would change the world. And they had superpowers. Like teleportation. And laser feet.
Part two was comprised of the sending these perfect superhumans back in time to critical points in human history to intervene. At first many in the scientific community called this venture senseless, based on what could, at best, be described as a "foolish proposition". But after the introduction of most of the saints into the past, not to mention Jesus, they changed their tunes somethin' fierce.
At one point, during the annual Christmas sales event season, the wish-list demand became too heavy upon the small group of scienticians. Lack of time and employees drove the manufacturing department to produce several, as they put it, "minor errors".
One such error was the creation and implementation of the dinosaurs. Another was the 4 Billion Year Blizzard of Poisonous Scorpions. Not to mention the electric socks.
A Dinorific Demise
Science, these days, thinks Dinosaurs were killed off by some massive world-breaking force. Me? I think differently. See, this science, it thinks it can be all super smart and all, but I've got the inside scoop. I do.
There was a fatal flaw in the plans of the Volcano Island Mountain scienticians, one which they had not at all anticipated, and that was this: competition. Little did they know, a certain Evil, Inc. had not only already completed and sent back Saint Killer 6.021 and George W. Bush, but they had also almost finished their super-secret Project Anti-Christ to thwart the plans of Jesus. Jesus Christ.
Finally, after years of fruitless court battles over the patent to the time machine, Evil, Inc., created a vicious army of dinosaur-killing robots and destroyed the dinosaurs. All of them.
So ... so I guess I lied about the punishment from the fundieGod. For proving it wrong. About the world being around for only five thousand years.
The Future of Dinosaurs
"'And so, Brim Hatfordson," said the Dinosaur to me. 'Our time is soon at hand. And it is your progeny who must carry out this task, bring us into fruition.'
"I gave a shaking nod again, bowed slightly, and the hiss faded from existence."
The future of Dinosaurs? They exist forever. They've locked themselves in a time loop. They are outside of time. They live in an eternity of birth and rebirth and death and redeath.
And, it is told, the Dinosaur will be reborn again, yet. But only once more.