You Are Ugly

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This is not you. You are far uglier.

“What the hell is that... OH MY GOD, RUUUUUUUUUUUNNNN!!!!!! IT'S THE SWAMP MONSTER!!!!”

“Congratulations. You have brought freak-shows back into style.”

~ Oscar Wilde on seeing your Facebook picture

Let's face it. You are ugly. And I MEAN ugly! You can't deny it, everybody knows it! You walk past a mirror shop, and it goes bankrupt replacing its stock. Of course you may not know you're ugly because you've never seen yourself in a mirror, considering how they always break! Seriously, you have GOT to do something about your ugliness. Please. For the sake of world peace...

Just how ugly are you?[edit | edit source]

Extremely ugly. Trust me, you look like you tried to disguise yourself as a horse, and got the head and behind mixed up. If you go out into the streets, the downtown area of New York city suddenly becomes silent and empty, except for a crying baby that got left behind in the mad rush. You make the swamp monster look great, for crying out loud!

What to do about it?[edit | edit source]

Trust me, you look so much better like this.

That's for you to figure out. I can only tell you what you CAN'T do about it, and here are the reasons.

  • You can't wear a veil, it would just melt.
  • You can't commit suicide, your decaying corpse would poison crops.
  • You can't be launched into space, aliens would take it as an insult.
  • You can't put pimple cream on, it would be an insult to the people that created it.

Seriously, what can you do?[edit | edit source]

Nope, still not you. Getting closer though.

Seeing as you're a total retard, I've decided to be nice and help you in your decision-making. It's simple. Become a celebrity. While you may not be nearly as cool-looking as them, your IQ is right in their range! (I'm looking at you in particular, Paris Hilton!) You could become rich. (At a freak show.) You could be famous. (By drawing attention to the plague known as Ugliness, you would make headlines!) You could become popular! (Not really- I mean who wants to be seen with someone who looks like you?) Just one problem though. How do you, a middle-aged retard with down syndrome and elephantitis, become renowned?

The answer...[edit | edit source]

Congratulations. You finally got it right. This is you- now get out of here before I puke my intestines out!

Write a book. Sure, you may be completely retarded, and your spelling and grammar are both atrocious, but never give up! And don't worry too much about selling it, people think books written by retards are cute! (Just look at Me Talk Pretty Someday.) Of course, you may have a difficult time finding a syndicate, seeing as everyone you meet has trouble talking to you because your looks make them puke their intestines out. Like I said before though, hang in there!

What?[edit | edit source]

What's that? You want to kiss me for my great advic- er, haha, n-no thank you, I will be perfectly alright without it! Seriously! Hey, don'-

Blood Spatter.jpg

Health Alert: Reading This Page May Cause Instant Death. However, since this warning is at the bottom of the page, you're likely already dead.

See Also[edit | edit source]