Worst Late Western

a Worst Late Western Train,Without the Face.

Worst Late Western (also known as First Greed Western, Worst Great Western, Third Rate Western or Farce Great Western) is a train "operator" on Great Britains railways. It is a Scottish company formed to destroy English public transport in revenge for the actions of Edward III, the 1707 Union of Parliaments and the periodic imposition of bishops on Calvinists.

A typical cabview from a Worst Late Western Train

Acquisition of Franchise

Its most daring and successful coup was winning the franchise for the West of England rail services in 1996. It achieved this by cunningly hiding its identity by adopting the disguised name of Worst Late Western, and thus blinding commentators seduced by images of the famous Isambard Kingdom Brunel.

Worst Late Western trains are unsuited to the popular country lines and have a tendency to get lost

Early Policy

Its programme of change started in a small way by raising prices so that ordinary tickets cost more than the average weekly income, and passengers were obliged to predict their dates of travel two years in advance to be able to afford to travel at all; then spending the proceeds on armies of officials who would seize passengers, turn them upside down until their pockets emptied, and then run off shouting incomprehensible expressions such as “St Erth Parkway is your next station stop!” and “Attention train crew! Disabled passenger alarm operated!”.

For the catering department, there was only one solution: Make the drivers stop at McDonalds

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Development of Market

Later WLW managers realised that more revenue could be obtained through more straightforward means. Removing all the seats and toilets from the trains enabled them to cram all the passengers into just two carriages, allowing them to sell off the rest of their rolling stock and increase their dividend further.

A typical Worst Late Western train after maintenance

Budget Cuts

After being forced to retreat from this policy, Worst Late Western introduced 5 carriage trains. The cost of this almost made the company bankrupt. It was however saved by an innovative approach from the catering department.

Following in the footsteps of BR

In an effort to combat increasingly late trains, Worst Late Western also attempted a similar tactic to what Network Rail attempted to do in the 1950s, where if they removed all trains from service, no trains could be late. This tactic proved very successful, with a 78% drop in late trains, and a 0% drop in revenue, however this also may be attributed to the no refund policy for tickets bought two years in advance. The effort was so successful, that other TOCs such as LNER, Transpenis Express, and Hull trains also removed their trains from service.

Recent Successes

More recently, inspired by their own propaganda expression “This train terminates here”, they have adopted a new strategy. All trains, crowded with standing passengers, now run to designated sites where the ventilation is turned off and the occupants asphyxiated. Their credit card accounts are then emptied for the benefit of Worst Group shareholders, their mobile phones sold on the black market, and their bodies processed for biodiesel. The trains then return to pick up a new load of victims. The return on investment of this approach has been outstanding, and the shares have reached an all-time high. It is rumoured that the chairman of Worst Group is now in line for a peerage.

See also

• France
• Trees
• Network Rail