Wheeling Jesuit University/Publications/Moore's Booke of Academic Martyrs

Wheeling Jesuit University: Moore's "Greate Booke of Academic Martyrs"

A rare copy of Moore's Booke of Academic Martyrs, discovered in the Library of the Damned in 2004 but destroyed by Smelly Bison "for the good of the people".

Also known as The Actes and Monumentes of the Manye Perelious Dayes Spente at Wheelinge College, touchinge allso the greate ande manye illes of the presente kingeshippe, Moore's "Greate Booke of Academic Martyrs" chronicles the many victims of the administrative purges that characterise the history of Wheeling Jesuit University. It traces the lives of many professors and students who attempted to reform the academic system and suffered greatly for it. The book is in three parts. The first part chronicles the academic martyrs in the school's distant past. The second portion details the extensive persecutions under Fed Acker Huang. The third and final portion details the latest persecutions under the Lundian prelates and El Presidente. In modern times, this book has gained much influence over the secretive reform-minded circles of academics. They take inspiration from many of the tales of the brave academic martyrs to steel themselves for the unpleasant prospects they face. More to this, they use it as a guide to avoiding the same fate.

A Selection from the Book

What follows is an example of academic persecution from the reign of Lundius Superbus, copied directly from the book's first edition.

The Dreadefulle Plighte of Doctore Hans

“ Doctore Hans was a professore duringe the longe reigne of the genteel tyrante Lundius Superbus. He workede maneye longe hours to bringe education to his pupills. Howevere, he had a tempramente thatte the Kinge of those dayes founde moste disagreeable. These thinges came to a heade when he shewede to his pupills the filme "Fighte Club" for academic creditte.

For hiz supposede crimes, he was made to shew himselfe before the Kinge and his councille, where he proclaimede his innocence for all to eare. Upon his arrival, he answerede all questiones putte to him with greate ‘’skille’’ and thusly gainede the greate respecte of the audience, who were unanimous in their ‘’admiration’’ of his goode nature. Howevere, the Kinge was moste displeasede over his continuede use of the Dr. Evil voice, and proclaimede him guilty of treason, and sentencede him to be "infectede with eache type of disease on campus". Beinge so convictede, Doctore Hans had no choice butte to flee in the darkness disguised as a fuzzeye bear. He evadede the manye patrols sette outte to finde him by clevere use of Good Corruption and the assistance of one Alexis de Tocqueville, a friende. He arrivede safely at another schoole and beganne teachinge there in safety.

”

The Persecutiones of Doctore "X"

“ Yette anothere academicke martyre sufferede duringe the late reigne of the selfsame tyrante Lundius Superbus, who despite beinge greately admirede by the common people for his reforms refusede to distance himselfe from the many grave and barbarous persecutiones of his predecessore, Fed Acker Huang.

Opposede to the tyrante was the greate professore Doctore X, who had beene teachinge for manye decades accordinge to general reckoninge. He was apte to give greate speeches to spellbounde crowdes aboute the campus thatte were highly critical of the many eviles inflictede againste the true learninge by the genteel tyrante.

It came to passe that he was fulfillinge this custome of givinge a speeche on the Sabbath-daye before Michaelmas, when he was overheard by Lundius Superbus. The tyrante lette it be knowne that Doctore X had incurrede his greate displeasure, and demandede that the professore appeare before the privy councille for trial and punishmente.

As he stoode in tainte of original thoughte and criticisinge the athleticke programme, the sole punishmente was determinede to be the followinge- thatte Doctore X be sette alighte before the assemblede multitude ande thus dispatchede fromme his worldlye cares. This was a commone sentence, passede againste many greate and wortheye men duringe this darke age. He was forthwith led outside and the bonfire preparede to sende him to his True Lorde, who he acceptede above his earthlye leadere.

After beinge led outside in fronte of the assemblede multitude, a greate quantitye of branches and kindling was built up arounde himm. This was thenne set alighte, with the intention of endinge his preachinge for goode. Howevere, a greate and blessede thinge happenede, whiche protectede Doctore X fromme the great flames aboute his person. Beinge so encouragede, he preachede another sermon condemninge his tormentors and greately pleasinge the commone people. Aftere his chains hadde beene destroyede by the flames, he walkede away from the fire and university, never to returne againe. It was the general consensus of all assemblede thatte all were privy to a greate miracle.

”

Controversy

Moore's Booke of Academic Martyrs remained in fairly limited circulation since its first publishing run in 1357, but was rediscovered by several attendees of what was then known as Wheeling College in 1861. These students, whose specific names are lost to history, called themselves "The Infallibles", and they made significant additions, translations, and updates to the book. They also secured the rights to publish the book in secret, and it was well-received by the students.

The book remained in circulation for many years, with new incarnations of The Infallibles continually adding and correcting Moore's original text. However, when The Infallibles and the text were discovered in 1985 by Fed Acker Huang and his secret police, he immediately dubbed the book "dangerous" and rounded up every member of The Infallibles he could find and had them killed, as well as burning almost every copy of the book.

In 2004, Great White Mother continued this crusade by officially banning the book in any form on campus, and forbade students from reading it under pain of Double Secret Probation. Today, Moore's Booke of Academic Martyrs remains one of WJU's most inflammatory banned texts, along with the WJU Saga and Thar Be Dinosaurs Hurr!. Great White Mother attempted to implement Maximum Anti-Social Probation on the book's authors; unfortunately for her, they have been dead for more than 600 years.