Wheeling Jesuit University/Publications

Wheeling Jesuit University has a long history of regime supported literature which has provided the basis for most the historical work up to modern times. With the discovery of other, much older texts, it has become possible to construct a more plausible timeline – at least one with less contradictory information. Much of the recovered texts have been found in vaults deep underneath Wheeling Jesuit University and are probably the archives for former resistance groups that have operated through WJU's tumultuous history.

Student Publications

Often mistaken for dishrags, the Cardinal Connection has spread false information to students of the university for decades.

• The Cardinal Connection is a student-run newspaper that is currently in print and has been in circulation for many years. Please see its article for more information.

Moore's Booke of Academic Martyrs is one of the best-known pieces of campus literature, alongside the WJU Saga.

• What is very probably the oldest among all recovered texts is the campus classic, Moore's Booke of Academic Martyrs, which details the various campus leaders and their relationships with one another. There is very little interpretation in the work however, being a very dry and matter-of-fact work which has left many with the assumption that people had no personalities back then or the language was just too goofy to support any sort of mood or tone.

• Shortly after this the stirring work, Thar Be Dinosaurs Hurr! was written. It is a largely reactionary document of which little exists. The document was found in some fossilised dino-poo and as such much of it was too icky to recover as well as the fact that there were many buyers for the intact poo and it was decided to sell it all together. Since no one was willing to break the expensive shit, what little we do know about is fascinating as it not only seems to address certain issues following the abortive 1933 student rebellion but also seems to be slamming the idea of evolution. The introduction to the work, which was recovered, proves this theory:

“ [...] and this brings me to the next and possibly most important problem facing us on this campus. There has been claims that the administration of this fine college has specifically set up a curriculum that is designed to remain archaic and Byzantine in the most extreme senses. This is ridiculous – we are forced to remove newly printed textbooks from the classrooms because of their inherent danger of paper cuts, which can become easily infected. The notion that we have removed them because of dates and material which we supposedly fine objectionable is just absurd!

Further more we have been accused of denying the existence of evolution and that we have rejected it without consideration. Nonsense! It is a known scientific fact that evolution is bunk! It was just the other day that God came down and gave me a dinosaur for a pet and I have the dino-droppings to prove it! All of the naysayers and detractors are free to come to the Donahue Dinosaur Emporium and Restaurant for cocktails and a live dinosaur feeding any Tuesday from 11 to 4.

”

WJU continues to produce Thar Be Dinosaurs Hurr!, as evidenced by this 2002 edition vetted by Lundius Superbus.

As such, Father Donahue was forced to make good on his promise of dinosaurs and fine dining and used the time machine in his office (and had thought for the longest time was a copies/coffee machine) to go and get one and bring it back. While the restaurant was a total failure, Stacy the Stegosaurus was a great success and calmed the student body down for a time, allowing the League of Evil to clear away any evidence of the Infallibles and their vast archive. Of course, they missed the main archive and ended up destroying the Infallibles' vast, albeit slightly nerdy, collection of Superman memorabilia.

The amended edition of Thar Be Dinosaurs Hurr! was published by the Churchill Society and Lies Your Leaders Have Told You was added to the title. Information presented in the book was also fixed along with a long prologue to provide a frame of reference for the book – this was composed by one of the most well known chroniclers of ancient information, the Admiral, for the benefit of the peoples. The Admiral is long been known in underground circles for being the champion of free speech and as being an ardent opponent of censorship. Considered by many as the Venerable Bede of Wheeling Jesuit, the Admiral was known for walking about campus and telling many stories about some of the more colorful members of the school, both past and present. Many of these stories later were recorded by the ancient time-traveling scribes and are known to the public as the WJU Saga and the lesser known Journals of the Very Reverend KMQ.

• For information about the Saga, please see its entry.

• The Journals of the Very Reverend KMQ detail the exploits of Father Kevin Quirk and are incomplete. It was originally assumed that the remaining material was missing but recent archaeological evidence suggests that it was never finished in the first place. Such works were often undertaken since most of the time people had no chance of graduation and were trapped in a never ending cycle of major changes and class credit shortages. It would seem the author, who remains lost to history, in all probability graduated and forgot to finish the work.

• Finally, last and least, An Analysis of a Theory of Wang Biting was published in 2002 by Pelikan. Insignificant in every sense, it is representative of the quality of academic work that can be expected from students of Wheeling Jesuit University.

Faculty and Administrative Publications

Not to be outdone, the faculty and administration of Wheeling Jesuit University have their share of publications that they call their own. Among the most seminal include:

• The Cold Wa: New Ideas for a New Millennium is a 732-page thesis authored by Prince Coxar, and is well-known in academic circles for its many controversial positions it takes regarding the nuclear standoff between the United States and the Soviet Union in the latter half of the 20th century.

• D is for Donation, S is for your Soul is a campus doctrine regarding the "necessity of amassing large amounts of golds by any means". Although intended by Father Jazzman to be a document outlining alumni donations to the school, it was twisted by the Board of Governors during Io the Invincible's "non-presidency", with the help of Financial Aid, to achieve their own aims.

• Important Information!!!!!11 refers not to a single publication but a series of uninformative emails and flyers distributed by former Head of Residence Life, Chris Bling.