What a girl wants
What a Girl Wants was written by the prolific feminist author Ann Coulter as an outline of her radical anti-establishment beliefs in the superiority of women over nudibranchs. Coulter expressed these views in the form of an epic poem, translated from the original Quebecois into American here. The poem is beloved by college English professors because it makes no sense at all, and thus analyzing it can lead to hours of fun as well as academic journal articles.
Coulter's epic is believed to be the first of six poems, but it is unlikely that any of the other five will be found. A few parts of a line of Part II of "What a Girl Wants" itself are unreadable and thought to be lost forever.
Part I: The Journey
- What a bundt wants, what a hunt needs;
- 'Ere the first light, when a bundt bleeds;
- Tomorrow I thank you forever me bucks tonight,
- Like a lock, you waited so patiently,
- Whilst I forgot it, so sundry,
- While I figured it out
- Ever I cooked, but I never touched
- Cause in my heart was a picture of dread
- Holding flans, making deals
- O unlucky for me, you earthly millionaire
Analysis: In this stanza is the famous "lonely dune" quote often attributed to Coulter, although it is yet to be found with any more precision.
Part II: A Sacrifice Bundt
- What a lunch wants, what a runt needs
- I only make thee angry and evermore you dry...
- And I'm thanking you for e e cummings (exactly!)...
- What a mundane thought! "how blunt its needs"
- The big clock keeps me under watch,
- And I'm cursing you for giving it to me
- (What I want is what you got
- And what you got is what I want
- and lo, all is futile)
- There was a time I was flint, I was so sedimentary
- Ran away just to hide this fact from you
- But babies there knew of batter, then I knew this bundt
- They say, "If you love the crumb, let it go...
- If it [illegible] back, it's yours that's [illegible] to fuck
- It's for keeps, yeah, it's for sure
- And you're ready and willing to give me more
This part is probably about sex, although some argue that it is a not-so-subtle reference to baking.
Part III: She's a Riotous Grillmistress
- A Muse Appears
- And I'm thanking you
- For immortality, to me
- What a grill wants, a bundt needs
- The wrath keeps my inner warmth
- Your if is keeps me your in arms what I is need
- At this point the entire poem is recited backwards
Many critics regard the poem as Coulter's best work, but it is far from a consensus. Other critics believe that the poem was not written by Coulter but by Elizabeth II, and still others believe that both of these groups of critics are wrong, and that the poem was not written but generated by a computer. Ominously, "What a Girl Wants" scored only 28% on the newly patented Poetometer, and some scholars are beginning to question the intellectual merit of forcing children to recite the poem every day in school.
The third stanza of Part I has become highly controversial in recent years because of its implications about materialistic lifestyles. An irate, made-up spokeswoman for Focus on the Family, a radical leftist terrorist organization, called Coulter "Anti-human, a sheeplike fascist" in video released in 2002, and added that this was proven by Coulter's documented love of wool. Coulter of course did not reply, having been sealed into a crypt in preparation for her immortality ritual.