Veronica Cangemi

Veronica Cangemi (or maybe her late transsexual Chilean equivalent)

Veronica Cangemi (born 2 February 1947), is a Norwegian opera singer from Argentina. Her style is known as "clunkuratura"- She sings primarily with an ultra depured technique which allow her to imitate the sound of dying chickens and rabid cats before she devours her live audiences.

"Early life"

Veronica Maria Manquepan Huechacura Cangemi was born in Cochicó, Mendoza (Argentina) to Calbullanca Melipan and Pepe Biondi, the sixth of 42 siblings.

She was a child prodigy, singing as a fetus at the age of 3 months. One of her first songs was called 'La pollera amarilla,' Spanish for 'my cat has diarrhea,' about her mother's grief at her cat that had died in a toilet accident. Similar emotional concerns are evident in her more recent interpretations, such as Handel`s Giulio Cesare and Transformers the movie.

Veronica and her mother, circa 1950

Veronica seemed destined for immediate success. At the age of ten, her singing was described as similar to a goat (a compliment in South America, one that Christina Aguilera and Shakira have aspired to without success). She competed in the children's television singing competition 'Un sol para los chicos' Spanish for 'A piece of bread for the Boys' but lost when it was discovered that she was not a boy at all, but rather an ugly girl with only a big bulge in her pants.

As she spoke Spanish only very poorly, her training consisted largely of listening to and imitating old Cacho Castaña and Los Chalachaleros records. Unfortunately her poor language skills made it impossible for her to grasp the subtleties of that exquisite music, so her concept of good singing never evolved beyond her trademark screams and a certain style of melisma that she would deploy with little or no provocation.

1971-1977: a young new singer / songwriter / actress / kitchen maid emerges

In the early years, Veronica had to work as dog trainer (she would later reveal that dogs taught her a lot about singing) to pay for studio time to make gimmicky pop demos to take to record producers and give them sexual favours, until she got her first recording contract at age 13 with Chacarera Records, a division of SONY Music in her home country.

She released her first album in 1971, called Cachete, pechito y ombligo (Spanish for 'I'm not a goat, but I moan like one') with songs written by her, which did pretty well, selling an amazing total of 5 units, all bought by her mother. Its her best selling album up to date.

Then she released ¿Qué tendrá el petiso? ("I can't believe they hired me!" in Spanish)in 1973. This album is her most controversial to date, containing songs that talk about several taboo Argentine topics like dental hygiene and bad plastic surgery. It accomplished an unbelievable amount of awards for her, including the 1973 award for best football player of her league.

Her next album was La piba lechera in 1975 ("Do I scream too much?" in Spanish). The album was critically panned (which is critic-speak for "total crap"), but she won the Latin Grammy for 'Best Hairdo' in 1976 for that album. She then made an unplugged version of it in 1977 called "Veronica - Not Live Singing but a Cat Screaming." It won the Billboard award for "Best Way of Supporting an Uneven Table Leg" in 1977.

1978-1990: Opera market crossover

In 1978 came her breakthrough when she met the female to male transexual Belgian director Rene Jacobs at an orgy in Greece. He immediately urged her to sing opera and helped her to improve her prodigious technique. "Rene said I had a unique ability to imitate a cat that was being boiled alive," she remembered.

With Jacob's guidance, she got the credibility she now still has, which got her name among all-time big stars like Ricardo Montaner and that guy from American Pie 3. Her operatic debut as a chair in Don Giovanni's scenography surprised critics for her excellent job with the characterization.

Veronica continued her march to domination of the operatic world with releases such as "Fijacion oral," "Veronica Electronica, and "La guitarra de Lolo" (Spanish for "Thank God for Deaf People"). Meanwhile, Veronica created the P.U.T.A.S foundation along with her fuck-buddies Yoko Ono and Don King. The foundation was made originally to stop hunger in Mendoza, but she decided to turn it into a singing academy for untalented people, from which Danielle De Niese and Patrizia Ciofi got their Music degrees.

In 2006 Veronica decided to sing Constanza in Vivaldi's Griselda after discussing the matter with her agent, Satan. Satan reportedly told Veronica "I want millions. Come on, Veronica. You're good at ruining great operas in 2 arias that make you millions. Would you like to sing Griselda ?" Veronica stared into space for 5 seconds and then accepted the offer.

2003-2008 Secret make up Dates

Veronica's secret make up dates began in 2003. She and her supposed twin sister, Argentinian President Cristina Kirchner, have been observed the third Tuesday of every month at the local restaurant El palacio de la papa frita sharing various entrees and discussing make-up tips.

Controversy

Gladys "la Bomba" Tucumana, the Argentine version of Britney Spears

In 1990 Argentinian blond beauty and cumbia singer Gladys la Bomba tucumana sued Veronica for stealing music from her albums (La pollera amarilla in particular). However, it was determined that every one of the songs she ripped off had itself ripped off Nicole Neumann's "Primer amor"--plus all those other cumbias and salsas were made in Zurich, Switzerland. The cases were all resolved in her favor, except for one in Villa 31, which was resolved by getting a rope.

Voice

Veronica's voice has come under considerable scrutiny from critics who believe that sometimes she does not effectively communicate the message of the music. Although this accusation may be true, she still effectively hypnotizes "Lambs" as she calls her fans to do the unthinkable. They would rob hospitals of babies and take them to the pachamama temple for sacrificial purposes. Goldberg Magazine said in 1992, "Veronica cangemi has a remarkable vocal gift. Her screams and spells are very dangerous and should be used in Iraq as lethal devices"

Personal Life

In 2003, Veronica began dating Jean Chistoph Spinosi, a toll booth operator, and son of the president of Naïve Music, Nicolas Sarcozy but due to his marriage with porn diva Carla Bruni, they were forced to postpone their engagement plans. In an unfortunate twist in her love life, she broke up with Spinosi because she decided she doesn't swing that way. She sang about her new choice in sexuality in a recently redisocovered Vivaldian opera "la puttana liberata". She said in an interview that she did not feel much attraction towards men after seeing Philippe Jaroussky and Martin Oro have lesbian sex. She is now engaged to bulgarian Mezzo Vesselina Kasarova with whom she shares the secret of the perfect clunkuratura intonation.

Present

She has plans on writing an autobiography with an accompanying soundtrack. After the release of her book, she plans on retiring with Vesselina Kasarova and spending the rest of her life with her. Vesselina, though, has said in many interviews that her tits are old and wrinkly and have many hair in it, though as she does not understand English, it may take a while before she catches on.

Selected Discography

• La pollera amarilla (1971, demo)
• Cachete pechito y ombligo (1972)
• Qué tendrá el petiso? (1973)
• La piba lechera (1975)
• Disco Sluts (1977)
• Orfeo ed Euridice (1990)
• Ariodante (1997)
• Fijacion oral (2003)
• Veronica Electronica (2005)
• La guitarra de Lolo (2006)
• Griselda (2006)