Variety Hour

Variety Hour is an epic poem shrouded in mystery, surrounded by many deaths, betrayals, wars, and epidemics that was discovered in Hungary in 1873 (AD or BC).

History

The Variety Hour is an epic poem discovered in the year 1873 by the illustrious archaeologist P.G. Wodehouse. It was in a dig in Hungary that the poem was found on a stone tablet under a coffin with the inscription: “Here lies the Variety Hour.” Wodehouse, who was then a mere apprentice archaeologist under the tutelage of the then more illustrious T.S. Eliot, pocketed the tablet with the intention of selling it to pay off his large gambling debts. He sold it to a pawn shop in Belgrade for the sum of three pence. He promptly decided that his fortunes were to be found elsewhere and went off to become the great archaeologist he was destined to be. The tablet, on the other hand, was destined for a more undignified fate. Sold from person to pawn shop for about fifty years it turned up in Tiffany’s in New York. It was at that point that it began to acquire fame as it piqued the interest of the academic community.

Believing it to be a fragment of a long lost, and never before hear of, Hungarian national epic, many colleges began vying for the poem. It was initially purchased by Hampden-Sydney College but was returned by the institution when they discovered an engraving on the back which read: “Made in China.” The anti-communist policies of the school at the time were well known and nobody was surprised by this move. It was then purchased by Harvard to the great slight of Princeton.

In an effort to get the tablet for themselves, Princeton hired the Italian Mafia to “acquire” the Variety Hour from Harvard. Harvard then contacted the Russian Mob to “negotiate” with Princeton. The Mafia made alliances with the Yakuza in Japan and the major crime bosses of Germany in an effort to scare away the Russians. The Russian Mob, however, allied with the British underworld and Al Capone. After years of tension and strategic maneuvering by the various crime syndicates, war broke out. Beginning in 1939 and lasting until 1945, the War of the Variety Hour was the bloodiest war in human history. More commonly referred to as World War II, the war ended in the utter defeat of Princeton. Harvard retained the tablet and at this time academic study into the poem was begun.

The Poem Itself

“ Sing! Oh Muse of the murderous show

Whose melodies o’er the air waves flow

And of the darkness that Fate decreed

Would sadly blot its every deed

And tell of all who stood against

Yet in all swiftness were dispensed

Of Moliere and plays of Noh

That to the underworld would go

What they deemed in innocence begun

Was hellish darkness under noon-day sun

The seeds of conflict that had been sewn

Brought strange evil and fear unknown

For the show they mocked in jest

They swiftly found not to test

Being that which brings gods to cower

Namely, the dread Variety Hour

Two began the feud but would not last

Many others would soon too be past

One a Brit and one a sailor

Both saw their fate in its icy pallor

Then new war on earth was waged

Against the monster who ever raged

And no god, neither Mars nor Zeus

Could end one side or bring a truce

Pitched in battle never ending

Spilling blood and bodies rending

Feeling, dealing wounds unmending

So many souls onward sending

All to hades forth descending

And to victory, none ascending

Although all strength to struggle lending

Twas pointless until Fate’s time pending

Then one day after years so long

Came silence to the woeful song

It seemed the taint had left the earth

Yet in dying it achieved rebirth. . .

”

It seemed the taint had left the earth, indeed.

Schools of Thought

There are three schools of thought on the Variety Hour: The Classical School, the Revisionist School, and the School Such That Believes Homer to Be of Greater Academic Value.

The Classical School

The Classical School of study on the Variety Hour is the school that subscribes to the belief that the epic poem is the long lost national epic of Hungary. The evidence is that it was found at a dig in Hungary and therefore must be Hungarian. The fact that nothing in the poem refers to any historical event is thought to show that it predates known history. It has been interpreted from lines in the poem referring to Mars and Zeus that Hungarian culture must predate that of the Greeks and Romans. Proponents of this theory believe that western history classes in college should begin with the Hungarians and follow the transfer of ideas from Hungary to Greece to Rome etc.

The Revisionist School

The Revisionist School of study is the school that believes the Variety Hour is an ancient text but did not originate in Hungary. The Revisionists hold that the tablet is in fact an Ottoman artifact that details the history of the Turks. They believe that the tablet was carried with Suleiman the Magnificent during his campaign against Vienna and was captured by the Austrians during an attack from the city. This is very odd because usually those who are being besieged are more of a mind to defend rather than attack. It is believed that Charles V thought the tablet to be a satanic device that spread Protestantism and had it buried deep beneath the earth to rid the world of its evil power.

The School Such That Believes Homer to Be of Greater Academic Value

Despite their name the School of Thought Such That Believes Homer to Be of Greater Academic Value does not actually believe Homer to be of greater academic value. They believe strongly that the Variety Hour is the greatest ancient piece of culture that survives today. They support their belief with the fact that the poem is written entirely in English. They believe that it came from a time when the entire earth spoke English and had achieved a level of sophistication far beyond today’s standards. They do not elaborate on what that culture would be like as it is too sophisticated to even imagine.