User:Zana Dark/Sloth
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SLOTH LOVE CHUNK! |
This article is better than outsmarting the Fratellis! BEWARE: Any attempts to edit this article may result in a prompt ass-kicking. |
Sloth is a term used to describe a frisbee golf disc that gets stuck....
- Whoops! I was too lazy to finish that sentence!
The Deadly Sin of Sloth[edit | edit source]
Sloth prevented me from writing this article sooner, sloth will most likely prevent me from rewriting this if it's crap, and sloth might keep you from reading this entire thing. Although some people might call this the tamest of the seven sins, I assure you: sloth can be deadly.
The slothful, or people found guilty of committing sloth, are punished in hell by being thrown into planes with snakes. As with the other punishments for deadly sins, I really don't know why there is a connection between the slothful and snakes. Why not put sloths in freezing water or boiling oil? Why not make them get out of bed and go to work for a change?
Hold on a sec, let me take a bong rip...
What was I saying? Oh yeah... Sloth is more than a sin...
Wait for Sloth, the Superhero[edit | edit source]
Pirate, chocoholic, and president of the Goonies [1], Super Sloth had an upbringing filled with torture and neglect.
Sloth was born Lotney Fratelli on Jan. 12th, 1962. Ma Fratelli had planned on having a home delivery, but complications arose. Rushed to the hospital by sons Jake and Francis Fratelli, she was promptly given a C-section. Newborn Lotney was 15 pounds, 12 ounces...
Lotney was a very complying child, but Ma's pension for booze, man-whores, and crime rendered her an incapable mother. One night after a raging kegger, Ma arrived to home to a crying Lotney. The stench of booze on her breath only foreshadowed the events to come. She hastily grabbed the child and rushed down the stairs...The rest is history. Ma suffered minor cuts and bruises while Lotney was left with a debilitating injury that would haunt him for the rest of his life.
Lotney's injury not only damaged his physical appearance, but interferred with his cognitive skills as well. He was held back many times and placed into special education classes. His cruel classmates appropriately dubbed him "Sloth".
It wasn't until high school that Sloth found his niche. The streamlined shape of his head allowed him to cut through water with an uncanny speed. Just as his swim trophies piled up, so did the letters from colleges who overlooked over his intelligence level and the babes that ironically wanted a piece of sloth action. Sloth's two brothers became more and more spiteful of his success, becoming so jealous of Sloth's popularity with the ladies that they chained him up in the basement and kept him like a wild animal.
That Lazy Thing[edit | edit source]
Speaking of wild animals, there are also rare creatures known as hanging sloths. So little is known about these elusive musical beings, that one was said to have died while it was being studied, and the observers did not realize it for six years! These incredibly boring, algae covered mammals are argued in some scientific circles to have either eight or nine toes, but are more commonly known to have exactly five.
Sloths have long talon-like fingers that are great for strumming guitar. It's no wonder that sloths are responsible for 85% of today's slow-dance hits, and have influenced the likes of Eric Clapton, Jack Johnson, and Dido. There have also been rumors of sloths being the brains behind television's hit series Gray's Anatomy, and the feature films Babel and Schindler's List.
Sloths have also inspired numerous documentaries, novels, toys, and other works of art. [2]
| “ | They sleep eighteen hours, but party twenty-four. | ” |
Here is a poem dedicated to the sloth:
The Sloth by Katie Williams
The sloth may smile.
The sloth may frown.
It's...
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