User:Wild Weasel/X-Athletes
“At twilight, nature is not without loveliness, though perhaps its chief use is to illustrate quotations from the X-Athletes.”
In a world starved for questionable assortments of has-been athletes masquerading as a group of superheroes, the X-Athletes fill that need admirably and even perhaps eliminate the need for a second such group. Formed in the waning days of 2003, the X-Athletes were brought together by the wise and slightly high Professor Strawberry for uncertain reasons.
What's This!?![edit | edit source]
The X-Athletes, similar to the in-no-way thematically related X-Men, tend to be ordinary, or even weak individually. But when acting as a team, they use their various powers to complement one another into a nearly unstoppable force, a force that primarily encourages young athletes to try harder or end up like the X-Athletes. Rest assured, when their battle cry "it's not my fault!" is heard, furious encouragement, savvy advice and brave determination to succeed even in the face of insurmountable odds can't be too far behind. The X-Athletes have won over dozens, if not scores, of young athletes in their brief time as a supergroup. First baseman Jeff Hodges of Jefferson High School explains their effect on him in an interview in ESPN: The Magazine:
Hodges appears to get misty as the subject of the X-Athletes comes up.
"They changed my life," says the 17-year old varsity player. "I mean, sort of."
The day was August 4th, 2004, and Hodges' team was down four runs in the seventh inning. In the bottom of the seventh with two outs, it was his turn to bat with the bases loaded.
"I was pretty nervous, sure," he says with a smile. "But then the X-Atheletes showed up. I was like, 'no way,' but it was them. Charlie Hustle walked up to me and whispered, 'the line is two for your team, don't let me down.' Then he looked around like someone was after him. Then he said, 'Hey kid, just don't you start betting on your team. Or using steroids. None of that shit, you hear me?' Then The Leg pulled me aside and..."
Hodges has to take a deep breath. After a pause, he smiles again.
"The Leg was so cool. He was like, 'don't get the final out. If you get the final out, you'll be the goat. Your name will be synonymous with failure.' Then Buck-ner was there, and he just nodded. I was stunned, but I felt more confident."
Hodges singled, batting in two runs, but the rally ended and his team lost. Still, he credits the X-Athletes with allowing him to almost succeed where he might have completely failed.
A Roster for the Ages[edit | edit source]
Any sports interviewer would get lightheaded over the prospect of interviewing the X-Athletes, which includes some of the nearly-greatest figures from the chief American sports: baseball, football, basketball, and women's figure skating.
- Professor Strawberry: Professor Strawberry came up with the idea for the X-Athletes after his third, or possibly fourth, coke-related arrest. Figuring that if a questionable assortment of has-been athletes masquerading as a group of superheroes had only been around to warn him about the dangers of using cocaine, he might not have been forced to found a questionable assortment of has-been athletes masquerading as a group of superheroes in the first place. But several phone calls later, his semi-dream became arguably real. Strawberry leads the group when not incarcerated or going through rehab.
- Charlie Hustle: Strawberry's second. If there's a wager to be made, chances are he'll be sliding head-first into your life, ready to give you the latest odds and the best line, as well as the hustle you need to get the extra hit that may well never be considered in your candidacy for the Hall of Fame.
- White Trash Girl: White Trash Girl is both the mind and muscle of the group, skating, boxing and plotting her way to the possible benefit of someone. Some suspect that she and Supercharger have a behind-the-scenes romance, but the truth is that no one really cares.
- Supercharger: With his golden arm, boyish charm and hot temper, Supercharger is the loose cannon of the group. Widely believed to be too talented to play in the NFL, Supercharger is never too busy to drop in to give young athletes a word about celebrity golf tournaments, sports interviews, and temper-tantrums in front of cameras.
- The Leg: The Leg uses his accurate wit to dispense can't-miss wisdom. His dark and mysterious past fuels his desire to help young athletes avoid becoming 'the goat.'
- Buck-ner: Don't let the pleasant face and smooth moustache fool you - Buck-ner is a fierce competitor and tries to help athletes before their dreams slip right through their legs.
- #33: #33 tries to prepare young athletes for coping with the reality that only a very few will ever win it all. In fact, he lets them know that even when winning it all is so close you can taste it, your crappy jump shot and choke-prone teammates will prevent you from winning it all. Several times. #33 lets it be known that it's better sometimes to set your sights low.