User:Viat/Thabo Mbeki
Jacob Zuma (or JZ as he is known) is a politician from South Africa and a powerful sangoma. His long and varied political career has seen him accomplish many things, one good, some bad and many mind-blowingly stupid. In contrast, his career outside of politics has been rash and fool-hardy.
He currently acts as head sangoma in the dangerous cult known as the African National Congress (ANC), a position which he attained after a fierce magical battle with its previous head sangoma Thabo Mbeki. He is considered a hero by many, a fact which baffles many others, but on the whole most people are too uneducated / ill-informed to know or care either way.
Early Days[edit | edit source]
Some say that he was formed when the Earth was formed, congealing together in a matter not unlike algae in a previously good beer. Others claim that his powers can be attributed to an accident involving a shower head, a ferret and the Eskom infrastructure. Others still maintain that he has no powers at all, but instead is either exceedingly lucky or tricky.
Regardless of where he came from, his early years were spent worming his way into the cult of the African National Congress. The government of that time, always on the look out for dangerous new magic users, sentenced him for imprisonment for ten years in the hopes that when he came out he would simply have forgotten about the whole thing.
His Growth in Power[edit | edit source]
Immediately following his release from prison, he walked out of the prison and stretched his arms. He scratched himself briefly, and then turned to walk down the street, enjoying the fresh air. He stumbled on the uneven paving stone, but recovered without falling to the floor. He walked on, on the lookout for somewhere where he could obtain some beer and some food. He did not see anywhere in the immediate vicinity, and so he spent some time walking several blocks down the street in search of somewhere where he could find his food.
Some time later he returned to the ANC, had a fierce battle with its ruler, and became head sangoma.
His Powers[edit | edit source]
A sangoma of his standing has many powers. They focus around shower heads, possibly due to his long incarceration in prison (a prison which later turned out to be a training camp for politically minded sangomas, much to the government's embarrassment). He possesses the much-sought ability to cure AIDs, which he uses extensively in his personal life. He also has the ability to become the most powerful leader of a political organization, despite having been thrown out of that same organization on corruption charges.
Notable Achievements[edit | edit source]
Arms Deal[edit | edit source]
JZ achieved much fame as a player in South Africa's infamous "arms deal", where obscene sums of money were spent on arms to defend the country against enemies of the state. Although it was never conclusively shown who these enemies were, many have speculated that they may be the same people who were responsible for "The Macarena" and/or skinny jeans for men. JZ got fabulously rich through kickbacks from suppliers, and was prosecuted. JZ has repeatedly stated that he "will have his day in court" to prove his innocence. Many have waited eagerly for this day, however, due to JZ's extensive legal battles to keep the case out of court, they wait still. It seems unnecessary for JZ to have to go to court to prove his innocence however, as there is a law in South Africa which states that high ranking members of the ANC (the ruling party) are exempt from criminal conduct.
Hiring and Firing[edit | edit source]
JZ was the deputy president of South Africa until he got fired for being innocent in the arms deal saga. As a result, the popular masses (who consider him a hero) staged a political coup d'etat and elected him to be president of the ANC. This has resulted in a situation where the president of the country is no longer president of the ruling party, whereas the president of the ruling party is not in government. Resulting tensions between the Mbeki (president of the country) and JZ camps have run high, prompting the ANC to issue a directive that all internal disputes will be settled by a round of ching-chong-cha (best of three).
Rape Trial[edit | edit source]
JZ was accused by an anonymous woman young enough to be his great-great-great grandaughter of rape. The resultant court case revealed again JZ's purity and infallibility, when it transpired that:
- She was wearing a kanga on the night of the event, and was thus begging for it
- She was crossing her legs, reinforcing the above point
- JZ took a shower after sex, thereby avoiding the possibility of being infected with HIV/AIDS.
When the above facts came to light, it was obvious that JZ was not at fault, and the whole accusation was instigated by racist counter-revolutionary forces within the government who were working for the imperialists of the West. No names were mentioned, although some believe this could refer to people with an IQ of 65 or above.
Umshini Wami[edit | edit source]
JZ's trademark song is "Umshini Wami", which translates as "Bring Me My Machine Gun." There was initially an outcry that this was inflammatory and threatening, but JZ smoothed the whole thing over by explaining that the song was merely referring to his love for platypus hunting, and the tools that go with the job. He also states that he would welcome anybody who disagreed with him to come to his farm and dress up like a platypus to see he was telling the truth.
Famous Quotes[edit | edit source]
- "Ask not what you can do for your country, but ask what you can do to turn a blind eye to what the country can do for politicians"
- "Can't beat a good shower!"
- "I'll sue those bastards at Uncyclopedia for this..."