User:VanMorgue/Walsall Academy

This article may be Overly British

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“Is it hidden, is it safe?”

~ Gandalf on the underground village beneath the Academy

The Walsall Academy is a Bloxwegian made structure capable of creating the One Ring. Some dispute that J.R.R Tolkein actually meant for this to be what we know as Mount. Doom, it was just translated wrong from Hobbe.

Location

In essence, the Walsall Academy cannot be found as it lies within the Bloxwich border, and you can’t find Bloxwich. If by chance you are invited into the Holy Land you may notice the building should you follow the trail of breadcrumbs.

History

The Academy was built in the Flavian Dynasty 2000 BT (Before Time) when J.R.R Tolkein decided to mix Elf and Man to create the Bloxwich Peasant. After his‘triumph’the peasant population set out to create a place of great power, evil and many other things they didn’t understand. What came about was the infamous pile of debris commonly tossed around by the upper class as ‘Mount Doom’. After many a few years Tolkein recruited his queer bodyguard unit known as ‘The Montgomery League’ who planned the future of Bloxwich in the secret of their underground village. Whilst this was underway, the Under-pleasured Lord Hickman forged an anal ring of embarrassing power which could stretch for miles over the Brown Country, or West-Middle Land of England. The ring was designed to give it(?) undeniable power over the masses who didn’t conform to the rules of Bloxwich. The unified sects of Bloxwich, Blakenhall, The Turnberry and The Mosley, created a fighting force some ten rednecks strong with which they waged war on the Three Lands of West-Middle Land. Many years passed and the intake rate at which new peasants were recruited was rising and by now the Three Lands had suffered badly at the hands of SAK’s and GRECSE’s.

The Underground Village

This is one of The Montgomery League’s greatest secrets that only those who are melded into the Academy may know. That’s what they say anyway. The details of the village claim that when J.R.R Tolkein was planning to spread the STI Hobbitus (makes you small) around the world he was declared a national hero by some middle-eastern country. Of course, that meant they wanted to honour kill him and so he needed an abode to shelter under, however Bloxwich was not safe. As a result an underground Village was built where trees were used as fuel and more Bloxwegians were made. This can be seen in the film adaption where a mine of some sort is in the ground creating things. Today the Village is still in use, under rule by Gilles De Rais who abducts Offsted agents to be used as replacement skin for the Hickman. Real life accounts from those who spent time at the Walsall Academy speak of the slave drivers, beast masters and paedophiles (known as teachers by some shit civilisation) suddenly disappearing after a certain time. For many years this was an unsolved mystery until 6/6/06 when Satan laughed at some Christian kid and caused the ground to collapse. Upon doing so he revealed Kerry Katona’s largest suppy of Icelandic food. Frozen. Head of The Montgomery League, Amaarth Taylarus, covered it up by placing a LandRaider 4WD carriage on it and because of Bloxwich’s total IQ of 10, it worked. Despite these clever plans there are still who claim to have gazed upon the innards of such a place, such as Dawn French who later became obsessed with food.

List of Montgomery League members

• Amaarth Taylarus is the lead depressant and slave master of the Montgomery League. He was formed from the best clay Tolkein could find in the art department and was subsequently heated in a furnace to a temperature close to that of Carmine’s crotch. Despite this he has a heart of dry ice, formed when he went to Siberia to form an alliance with an ultra-nationalist army.
• Mister Burnes is the Academy’s very own android who runs on E45 cream. Created by Tolkein when he was creating The Dark Side Burnes is master of charity auctions and draining the limited economy of Bloxwich. He also helped Tolkein write his most fictitious novel ever; The Bible, meaning he is deeply immersed in integrating himself with the families of young children, putting porno on their mobile phones and developing philosophies which serve no more purpose than the waste created when George Bush attempted to solve the credit crunch.
• Burning the Cliffes of Ratville is the code name given to a computer program that operates within the Academy. It was designed by Fuhrer.Boyle when he equipped the shit hole with Windows 49 computers to help demoralise the abilities of the students. Due to it’s long title it was shortened down to ‘Burney Ratcliffe’ and has several specific functions;

1) Report to all Montgomery League members the level of food consumption by anyone who needs two seats at break. 2) Provide a reason to create a fight amidst the high ranking Personal Fuhrers and Montgomery League members. 3) Do the above points, constantly, whilst doing little else to either help or hinder any fucking aspect of anything that was formed when Tolkein created anything. Nothing, basically. As a result of the lack of incompetence of the computer program a film adaption was made called ‘The Oracle’. It tells the story of a woman in search for the Omega Code which will activate a firewall called ‘Neo’ which in turn will turn logic inside out, render the mind of a lesser Bloxwegian incapable of self harm and finally, use slow motion to do what could be done at a normal speed to achieve an outcome of something that was...pointless.

• Baldy, also known as FatHead, is the most pompous of all the members. He was initiated into their ranks when exposure to the underground village became apparent and Lord. Hickman felt Amaarth’s methods of covering it up were poor. As a result there has been direct conflict between the two (Amaarth and Baldy) for as a long as the air can be bothered to sustain its atmospheric pressure. Baldy is employed by Tolkein to extract high amounts of gold from the pockets of Walsall Academy students, often claimed it is for a “Skiing trip”. However it is constantly overlooked that no Bloxwegian has ever left the area, and cannot efficiently adapt to high altitudes. This has prompted much debate into where the gold goes, as it was hard earned by people gelling oven fries together in the infamous, Bloxwegian Kebab of Grease and guts. It has been suspected that it was channelled into building another Academy in the well known area of Nepawl where Baldy travels each year to engage in sexual intercourse with something he calls a wife.
• Lord Nelson is another creation of Tolkein when he only had the faecal matter of General RAAM left to build his ideas. Also known as; The Mighty Algorithm, That man who is rotting, A Maths Teacher, Peg-Leg and Hitler, Lord Nelson was essentially designed to be the lowest of all Montgomery League members. However that plan turned to shit when he acquired a powerful artefact never before known to any Bloxwegian. A calculator. With such a device he was able to calculate his own wages and manipulate the other League members to a certain extent, but he was held back by the inevitable case of “fuck me you’re still alive?” that was spread between all the students. After calculating the end of a paradox, Lord Nelson finally fell victim to paedophilia, grey hair, BO and age thus rendering him incapable of anything useful or interesting.

The Under-Pleasured Lord Hickman

This was the beta testing of a possible augmentation of cyber-kinetic body parts into a Bloxwegian by The Third Reich. Before they failed to destroy France the Germans were employed by Tolkein to create the best thing they could come up with. It is said that the Beta test was based upon the deep space probe NOBAD from Star Trek but this has never been proven. Work started on the Hickman in 1935 and took 8 years to complete, however it only took 1.627 seconds to create adequate intelligence programming. To help bolster this The Third Reich installed directives such as; “Posh Pronunciation, Over-use of power foundation, HAG (High Amplitude Groaning), German at heart and Christianity”. With all of this combined they were sure they had created the superior dictator to replace Hitler when he got bored, however Tolkein had The Hickman integrated into the mainframe of the Walsalluim Acadius, the sentient hard drive working in conjunction with WebMarshal.

Curryiculum subjects

Religious Brainwashing

This is a heavily practised ‘teaching’ in the Academy as the Bloxwegians need to be fed information on how they were created by Lord Tolkein. Daily chores include; child sacrifice, hobbit crucifixion, endurance preying and draining the blood from a virgin chicken. Although it’s unlikely that any of these have the desired effect, most who practise them see themselves as ‘enlightened’, enabling them to wash on occasions.

American Studies

Considered an important element of the day, American studies gives the Bloxwich people facts on a land where their greatest enemy, Chuck Norris, resides. They learn how to combat insults from an American such as; Faggot, go and drink some tea and you’re British (actually wrong, Bloxwich does not exist in one country for more than 3.819 hours). Chuck Norris is considered the nemesis of Bloxwich as he swore to render them all down to their DNA proteins, so knowing how to combat friendly fire and extreme patriotism is imperative.

Cartography

Due to the isolation of the Walsall Academy the peasants are taught how to draw maps using ink made from chicken blood and crushed talons. Novice maps include that of the way to the toilet, bathysphere and plant rooms. Advanced maps need not be spoke about because you’ll never be able to decipher the code that all master cartographers use.

Gene Therapy

Although designed to help prolong ageing amidst the school population gene therapy is actually practised to ensure the Under-pleasured Lord Hickman can stay fertile, unlike Offred. Outside of the Academy gene therapy is banned like Harry Potter’s penis because the gene pool of Bloxwich is so sacred.

The Youtube Incident

Regarded as one of the most dangerous exposures of the inner working of the Academy, the Youtube incident sparked a lot of panic within the school. It all started when the moon was in a degree of Venus and gave way to an unnatural desire to film something using a camera phone. Although common place in ‘modern’ and ‘normal’ society, the Walsall Academy exhibits a strict no-tolerance policy on anything that could induce socialising. On this specific day a group of students took it upon themselves to sing along to a Queen song with Fred Flintstone playing some sort of shit tune on a keyboard. As you can imagine, it excited the young Bloxwegians to the point where they considered smiling. Because of the risk it posed to becoming ‘average’ the Montgomery League took it upon themselves to sort it out. Their first action was to take every student into the Porn-Hall and make them take everything off so Amaarth could observe. What he wanted to observe was never made clear, but he declared that no action would be taken yet. A few days after this several students were put into contact with some black market organisation called the Police in attempt to bribe them with material goods for information on who filmed the act. Again this failed. In a last desperate attempt, Amaarth employed an IT technician to upload Burning the Cliffs of Ratville onto the Youtube site. This enabled the Montgomery League to do nothing more than invade the limited personal space of any student who visited the site. Eventually it was found that the person responsible for this was Lord Nelson, who in attempt to gain pleasure, filmed some ‘young adults’. His punishment was to make his retirement even further away, another 218 years or so.

Trivia

• Gilead was the inspiration for most of the Walsall Academy’s rules and regulations
• The evil Lord Hickman is not real, it is a mix of other people put together in an art class by The Third Reich
• If you walk the length of the battle ground behind the Academy, you absorb more Gama Radiation than in Jamie Oliver’s spit
• The Academy is made of mostly glass because most of the inhabitants spend too much time underground and need sunlight
• A ‘Dinner Lady’ is the name coined for a Woman undergoing gene therapy
• Too many people there are Welsh
• There are no sheep in Bloxwich
• Germans were welcome until 1945
• The Walsall Academy was going to be a scene on the SAS programme, Ultimate Force, however due to a lack of people worth killing, it never happened.

External Links

The blasphemous video itself!