HowTo:Burn Your Friend's House Down
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psst!
Hey, kid, c'mere.
I got something to tell ya.
Your friend pissing you off? Owe you 5 bucks? Maybe they lost your pet? Ate your Haagen-Dazs? Maybe even fucked your sister? Well, there's a way to get back at them: Burn their house down. I've done this a bit too much, and I paid the price. But I'll tell you how to do it and not get caught.
Step one[edit | edit source]
The first thing you need is a friend which you don’t have so skip to Step 2, or find some random fucker to do it to. Now you're going to need their address. It's hard to burn down a place you don't even know the address of. If it's an apartment, you run the risk of harming other people, so keep that very much in mind.
- Note: If your friend is homeless, it's going to be way harder to burn their house down. I guess you could burn down the cardboard box they live in.
Step two[edit | edit source]
The next thing you need to do is have an actual reason to burn their house down.[1] Once you find your reason, you'll need to write a note explaining why you did it. [2] Once you have a reason, you can move on to the most important part.
Step three[edit | edit source]
Now we get to the interesting bit:[3] Burning the house down. There's a lot of methods to doing this, but here's the ones that work the best.
Gasoline and a match[edit | edit source]
This is the tried-and-true method to burning a house down. Of course, you can always substitute a match for any source of flame. This is the riskiest method, as you'll probably get some gas on you. This can lead to either:
- Your catching fire, or
- Your being caught, because you don't shower and now smell strongly of gasoline, you retard.
Fake short circuit[edit | edit source]
This one's harder, but better if you don't want to be found.
- Get a friend.[4]
- Get an untraceable yet flammable substance.
- Place the substance on two nearby electrical outlets.
- Light them both at the exact same time.
- PROFIT!!!
Step four[edit | edit source]
Now this is the tricky part: not getting caught. The best way to do this is to get the fuck out of town. Another way is to murder your friend. They'll have no way to tell the police what happened.
Conclusion[edit | edit source]
So you successfully burned your friend's house down. Good for you! May you ever ha- wait, you got caught? Shot the police officer who came to arrest you? Death Row? Hey, it's not my fault you wrote a note to your friend beforehand. Is that a match? NO! MY HOUSE IS A GASOLINE SOAKED BOX! AAAAAA-
- ↑ No, "U are tEh suxxors!11!1" is not a valid reason. In Boston, "YANKEES SUCK!" is a valid reason.
- ↑ No, "U aer tEh suExxors!1!!!!!11 i hate haEt hat u!!!111!eleventyone" is not a good note. At least three well-written paragraphs. Single spaced!
- ↑ Or as I like to say, "This is where the fun begins."
- ↑ Preferably not the one whose house you're burning down.