User:ThomasPynchonsLeftNut/Tampa Bay Buccaneers

“That John Gruden, nicknamed 'Chucky', looks just like that doll 'Chucky' from the Child's Play movie”

~ Captain Obvious on The Tampa Bay Buccaneers

The Tampa Bay Buccaneers are a football team from Old People City, Florida. A team of relatively active octegenarians, they are best known for taking a very long time to change out of their bright orange pajamas after waking up in 1977 and yelling at other teams to get off their lawn.

The Early Years

Pretty? Definitely. Intimidating? Not so much.

Those Gorgeous Orange Uniforms

By wearing their pajamas over their pads, the original Buccaneers sported the prettiest uniforms ever worn on a football field. A minor misunderstanding regarding the rules of the game resulted in their not winning a single contest in their first season. It was not until their second year that their owner was informed by the league office that they had to score points in order to achieve any success.

Capital Punishment

The early Buccaneers were so famous for sucking, that their octegenarian coach, John McCay, famously sentenced them to death. His pronouncement of being "all for" their execution is well known. And to his credit, it helped. Soon after sending his offense to the electric chair, the team played in the NFC championship game, in their pretty PJs of course, but they failed to score a single point. They lost that game to vacuum salesman Vince Ferragamo, whose team also would have failed to score if it weren't for midget Mexican soccer player Frank Corral.

The Dungy Years

It is difficult to fathom why the team never did translate the sheer loveliness of their orange pajamas into victories on the field. But when God, aka Tony Dungy, was hired as their coach in 1996, he had trouble distinguishing his players from bright orange swamp creatures. So they put their pajamas away and got dressed, hoping to one day go outside and play. And that's just what God (Dungy) prepared them to do.

The Chucky Years

Coaching the Buccaneers is child's play

Getting dressed helped immensely - they won the Super Bowl soon after doing this. For reasons that baffle every Buccaneer fan, all of them - from the 70 year olds on up - they replaced God (Dungy) as coach with a knife-wielding doll, although the Holy Spirit (Dungy's ghostly after-image) remained with the team during the championship season. All Chucky ever did was scowl and laugh maniacally up and down the sidelines - he relied on Dungy's ghost to bring in the wins. And sure enough, as long as Tony Dungy's ghost was still wandering around the practice and playing fields, the team enjoyed lingering, though dwindling, success. But the ghost has been steadily fading over the years, and the team's ability to move the football along with it.

The Buccaneers Today

The ghost of Tony Dungy finally disappeared entirely half-way through the 2008 season, and the Buccaneers didn't manage a single win after that. So they fired Chucky and grabbed some guy who just happened to be hanging around the locker room to take over. Whoever he is, he will likely restore the Tampa Bay Buccaneers to their great tradition of relative mediocrity.

Donations

The average age of the Buccaneers' players is equal to that of their assisted-living-resident fans. For instance, quarterback Jeff Garcia is pushing the big 7-0 (though it's really just a number, after all). For this reason they are currently accepting donations of walkers and canes to assist in their off-season workouts.