User:TheJim01/2minwarpregwhales

Pregnant whales + Texans + Napalm = This can't be good...

“I invented whales.”

~ Al Gore on Whales

The Whales

Shortly after their move into the sea in mid 2005, whales began to reproduce en masse. This led to an abundance of pregnant female whales. (There were no reported cases of male whales becoming pregnant at this time).

Military Involvement

Fort Texas, as seen from the 7-11 next door

At this time, a Turkish General Omar "Bubba" Sarap was visiting a top secret army base in Texas. Fort Texas--which is right next to the 7-11 and the dirty magazine store, 301 Secret Fort St, Texas--was the base closest to the pregnant whale crisis. Eager to show off to their visitors, Maj. Gen. Franklin R. Delanore ordered several of his officers to escort the Turkish General to the beach to whitness what should be a great humatarian effort.

Timeline

All times listed in TMT (Texas Mean Time)

August 8, 2005

• 18:27 TMT The first whales are infected with pregnancy. By the end of the week, hundreds of pregnant whales are suffering from the parasites.

August 16, 2005

• 09:15 TMT One pregnant whale whines to her husband that she is craving Tex-Mex. She is ignored, so she calls other pregnant whales to bitch about seek empathy regarding her cravings and delinquent husband.
• 09:28 TMT At the mention of Tex-Mex, each pregnant whale also begins craving the spicy-yet-greasy goodness. They whine to their husbands. A chain reaction ensues.
• 23:04 TMT The Tex-Mex-craving pregnant whales band together, and depart from their homes, heading toward Texas, home of the best Tex-Mex on earth.
• An old Whale fair tale

August 18, 2005

Whales off the coast of Texas

• 08:00 TMT Turkish General Omar "Bubba" Sarap arrives at Fort Texas, Texas.
• 08:05 TMT Maj. Gen. Franklin R. Delanore hosts a welcome session and leads a tour of Fort Texas.
• 13:31 TMT First whales are sighted near a Texas beach town.
• 13:53 TMT The pregnant whales gather in the bay to deliberate their Tex-Mex order.
• 14:38 TMT The whales begin to place the order in their native tongue (a series of high-pitched screams).
• 14:39 TMT The ear drums of several beach-goers explode, leading to mass-hysteria and a full evacuation of the beach.
• 14:40 TMT Calls pour in to 911, 411, 10-4, *69, 1337, and Domino's Pizza, demanding emergency assistance.
• 14:45 TMT Word reaches Maj. Gen. Delanore at Fort Texas. He formulates a plan to show off to their foreign guest, and orders Cpt. Blake Charles to escort the Turkish General to the beach, where the Texan Army will stage a tremendous humanitarian effort.
• 14:47 TMT While trying to leave Fort Texas, Maj. Gen. Delanore is side-tracked by a SPAM lobbyist.
• 14:51 TMT All kittens officially flee Texas. Stupid pansy-ass kittens...
• 15:02 TMT The party from Fort Texas arrives at the beach and apply liberal amounts of sun-block to each other.
• 15:04 TMT The intensity of the pregnant whales' screaming initiates a short yet historic conversation:

                  Gen. Sarap: "We must help the whales!"
                  Cpt. Blake: "What can we do?!"
                  Gen. Sarap (speaking in Turkish): "NAPALM!"
                  Cpt. Blake: "Sir, yes, sir, sir!"

Napalm

• Napalm on Uncyclopedia
• Napalm on Undictionary

"Napalm" in Turkish means "What can we do?" It is also the name of an ancient drug, which had been used for centuries to help pregnant whales. But by this point in history, the military had perfected a transportation/delivery system for massive amounts of napalm.

Timeline (cont'd)

• 15:05 TMT Cpt. Blake, working on orders of the next-highest-ranking-officer in the vicinity, radios Fort Texas for backup.
• 15:07 TMT Fighter jets are scrambled from Fort Texas
• 15:09 TMT The fighter jets drop thousands of pounds of Napalm on the pregnant whales

Oops...

Cpt. Charles was instantly on his radio to call in for backup that the Turkish General was requesting. He smiled at the general and assured him the attrocity that was occurring before their eyes would soon be resolved. Moments later several flew overhead, dropping thousands of pounds of napalm on the pregnant whales. Unexpectedly, the napalm burst into flames, boiling everything in the sea of Texas, including the pregnant whales. Within two minutes, the entire pack of migrating pregnant whales was either dead, or medium-well.

What came to be known as "the Napalm Effect"

Witnesses

Between 5 and 240 people witnessed the two-minute war on pregnant whales.

Some people that did not see it were:

• Pamela Anderson
• Edgar Allen Poe
• You
• Anybody watching "The Price is Right" that day

Victims

While it is not known exactly how many pregnant whales perished that day, estimates over one hundred. This figure was based on the number of people that were able to feast on the resulting pre-cooked whale meat.

After receiving medical attention, the bleeding-ear Texans returned to their homes to watch TV, drink beer, and shoot stuff.

An entire family of squirrels was injured when one of the fighter jets flew over their home. They were treated and later released from a local hospital.

Aftermath

While it was never fully understood why the napalm reacted as it did, several ideas and conspiracy theories do exist. Timothy A. Lake, professor of transcendentalism at Texas University, believes that the napalm had a negative reaction with the high water content of the sea, causing the combustion and subsequent deaths. The King of Texas believes that the whales were pre-disposed to exploding, and thereby killed themselves. Walter Kingsley, who frequets Chub's Bar & Grill still claims, "It was those damn Canadians!"

Neither the Turkish General, nor the officers in his escort were injured. Well, they weren't injured badly. The General returned home to address his people on the dangers of helping pregnant whales. Cpt. Charles was given a commendation for assisting with the pregnant whale crisis. Maj. Gen. Delanore was given the highest honor--the Medal of Texas--for his quick thinking and bravery.