User:Tagstit/Unscripts:Ocean's Fourteen

Summary

Danny Ocean (George Clooney) is at it again and off to steal another priceless treasure. Back to help him is Rusty (Brad Pitt) the voice of reason, Linus (Matt Damon) the pickpocket, and Frank (Bernie Mac) the token black guy, along with a new face to the crime scene. Tension grows high as problems are encountered, Tess (Julia Roberts), the love interest is faced with conflictions, and the time ticks until the heist is finally attempted. Will Danny and his fourteen be able to pull it off? Will he end up with Tess at the end? What are they stealing? Who is the new guy?

Scene One

Sweeping shots of the big city while hip and jazzy music plays in the background during opening credits. Zoom in on large mansion on a beachside hill all the way to the door. Danny Ocean wearing a sports coat and sunglasses while smoking a cigar comes out of the door. He looks around, soaking in the morning sun before walking out to get his very expensive and nice car while music gets even more upbeat. Drives off into the sun and camera goes up into the sky with title showing, "Ocean's Fourteen". Danny pulls up into a coffee shop. He buys a coffee and walks out. While walking out he bumps into a guy and his coffee spills all over Danny. Music stops.

Danny: Oh fuck you.

He brushes himself off, trying to get the coffee out, but is unsuccessful. He sighs before walking to his car, music starts up again. He gets into his car and right before he starts the engine, a giant bird poop falls on his windshield. He groans and flips off the sky, before starting his car and driving away. He drives off to his house. He pulls up into his driveway and steps out. He steps into a warm fat dog terd.

Danny: I don't even have a goddamn dog!

Danny wiped off his shoe before walking into the house. He sits on his couch thinking for a while. He finally gets up and dials a number on the phone. The screen splits and Rusty is on the other side. Rusty looks well shaven and is wearing a sexy grey tuxedo.

Rusty: Hello?

Danny: Rusty this is Ocean.

Rusty: Ocean? Hey! Long time no see buddy! How've you been?

Danny: Great, but listen, are you up for another job?

Rusty: Maybe, I am going to need to hear a bit about it first...

Danny: Meet me at Henry's Whore House at six.

Rusty: Alright, I will try, what is this about Danny?

Danny: I can't tell you now, but I feel good about this one.

Rusty: Why? What is different about this one?

Danny: It is bigger Camera zooms in on globe that Danny is spinning Much bigger.

Scene Two

Scene opens with camera zoomed in on the body of a stripper dancing around a pole. Several different angles of different strippers are shown and the camera zooms to the front door. Danny walks in and goes to the front desk. He is greeted by a small little man who has a surprisingly high pitched and gnomish voice.

Henry: Welcome to HEEEENNNNRRRYYYY'SSSS WHORE HOUSE! What can I get for ya?

Henry has a big smile and stares Danny directly in the eyes.

Danny: ...Uh. Ya I am just meeting somebody here.

Henry: Certainly go right ahead sir, but before I go on, you aren't gay are ya?

Danny: Umm, no why?

Henry: Oh nothing nothing go right ahead sir!

Danny walks in and looks around for Rusty. He sees him sitting in the back. Rusty has a massive boner.

Danny: Hey Rusty! There you are. So what I was going to...oh wow. You should hide that.

Rusty: HAHAHA You mean this?

Rusty pulls a Snickers bar out of his pants and the boner is gone.

Danny: Oh, that's...weird.

Rusty: I got ya! HAHAHAHA! I don't have a penis...REMEMBER?! I have a Said very loud and awkwardly VAGINA!

Long and awkward pause.

Danny: ...oh.

Rusty: That was how I was able to smuggle the bomb detonater through the hotel security on our first mission.

Danny: Oh I thought you hid that up your ass.

Rusty: No that was where I put the metal detector.

Another long and awkward pause.

Danny: Ah. I see.

Rusty: So describe your plan to me.

Danny sits down and prepares to explain. No eye contact is made. Two strippers come up and start lap dancing on Danny and Rusty.

Danny: Well, we have always stolen from something single. Something firm. Something stable. Now, I think we need to, well, broaden our horizons. Really dive into different choices in whom we steal from.

Stripper licks Rusty.

Rusty: Ew, ew, ew she just licked me. Oh um. Who are we stealing from this time?

Danny: Everyone. Oh Jesus that feels nice.

Rusty: Come again?

Danny: Everyone. We need to, Oh God, do that again, ok what we need to do, is steal from the entire world.

Rusty: Oh god don't take off your bra, don't take off your bra...EWWW GROSS. Oh god, gross gross ewy ewy ewy. Oh um how are we going to do that?

Danny: I am not sure, we should meet up soon and come up with a few ideas in the mean time.

Rusty: Sure, we are going to need the whole gang for this one again though.

Danny: That's true, well call them up and we will meet at my house in two days, twelve o' clock.

Rusty: Sounds good, but in the meantime, I can't take this anymore. I am going to the gay section.

Danny: What?

Rusty: Oh um, I said, I am going to the play...plection...

Danny: Oooook.

Scene Three

Scene opens with a sudden stop in music and a room full of bored looking guys. After a few seconds, Danny walks in.

Danny: Good to see you all again! It has been a while. Now first,

Frank: Who the blazes do you think you are good sir. What gives you the firm right to barge into our normal lives. We have good steady lives with stability. I have a good mind to fire a bullet cap into your sphincter with my gun.

Awkward silence.

Danny: I don't know what you just said...but you are black. You can't talk like that. Moving along though. What we have gathered you for is a different job. Something new that we...

Rusty: Loudly and interupttingly. Completely new here people!

Awkward silence.

Danny: Allllright. Well what we have always stolen from is something single. Something firm. Something stable. This time, we are expanding our horizons and really looking for different things we can steal from. We landed on a big one. Something bigger than we have ever done before.

Rusty: Loudly and interupttingly. This is a big one people!

Another awkward silence.

Danny: Okay, well this time we are going to steal from the entire world. Take everything from this planet. And then we are...

Frank: Load of rubbish this is.

Danny: Really Frank? I just told you your black, stop with that talk. Anyways...

Rusty Loudly and interupttingly. HEY! Guys I have a funny joke I just thought oh my god. Hahahahaha...Okay, what was it what was it...OH! Okay, remember when I said, "This is a big one people?" Pretend I said, "This is a big one people...like my Said loud and awkwardly. PENIS!...HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA. Just kidding though you guys. I don't have a penis remember! I have a Said loud and awkwardly. VAGINA!

Painfully long silence.

Danny: Ooook. Well. We will meet here everyday for the next month or so. However long it takes. We will be going over how we are going to pull this off then.

Rusty: Hey where is your wife?

Danny: ...Oh...um. We are going though a bit of a rough patch.

Frank: Oh Tess? OH! I saw her. She was with that one owner of that new Vegas casino! I happened to be walking by and saw her and him doing it doggy style! She was moaning and the whole bit! I didn't stay to watch. The white woman don't particularly grab me.

Danny: Really?

Frank: Nope, I like my woman how I like my coffee. Hot and yellow.

Danny: You like asians? Coffee isn't yellow you know. Hot and yellow is pee.

Frank: Precicely.

Rusty: We are going to need another guy for this job you guys all know right?

Danny: That's not hard, who do we need?

Rusty: No one special, just someone to do all the dirty stuff for us.

Danny: How about we put up posters and everyone who is a big fan of us can apply. The biggest fan will win?

Rusty: Sounds good. Let's do this.

Scene Four

Danny's voice is heard and jazzy music plays as he explains what to do in the heist, while his crew is seen starting setup for it.

Danny: Alright first what we are going to need to do is get our tech guy to cut off the world's power supply at a specific time for a total of three and a half minutes. This should engulf the world in pitch black darkness, allowing us to plant our bombs in major towers and historical sights.

A nerdy guy with glasses is seen next to a box with a big red button that says, "World's Power, DO NOT TOUCH".

Danny: He will wait there until we are ready. Then, when he hits that we are going to send one guy into major areas of the world. One into Tokyo, one into a Great Pyramid in Eygpt, one in the Great Wall of China, one in Las Vegas, and one in the Eiffel Tower.

Flashes of each place named goes by.

Rusty: Okay!...wait how do you expect us to get to all of those places in three minutes...

Danny: Umm...we are going to have one person at each place when the power goes off.

Rusty: ...oh...so we teleport?

Danny: No, anyways, then, I will go on a video for the president and tell him that if he doesn't pay us all...

Rusty: Wait, how will they see it if the power is off?

Danny: ...They...see it after...

Rusty: Interesting...

Danny: Okay, well then I get up on his screen and tell him if he doesn't pay us all of the money in the world, we will blow up all those places.

Rusty: And if he says to blow em up?

Danny: Well, I don't know...just...flip him off or something I guess.

Frank: You know this isn't a heist, this is just like terrorism right? But with greedy intentions...

Danny: Ya...and?

Frank: Well the ethical values behind this are just nonexistant...

Danny: And your point?...

Frank: This just isn't...

Rusty: We got our new kid! Our fourteenth member!

Danny: Who is he?

Rusty: He is a kid who has watched all of our heists and has made us his role model, he came to see us now!

Danny: Let him in!

Door opens, a fifteen year old kid with glasses, braces, and a cap that says L33tM45t3r walks in.

Rusty: Oh wow, I don't know, can he beat off?

New Kid: You bet I can!

Rusty: He's perfect.

Scene Five

Danny is seen in his car driving on a freeway. His cellphone rings and he picks it up.

Danny: Hey!

Rusty: Danny, everyone is in place...on your word we are ready to cut power and put you on the screen, are you almost to your hotel room?

Danny: Ya, just about.

Rusty: Alright, well there is a camera all set up once you get there...OH GROSS!

Danny: Gross? What are you doing?

Rusty: I am at the strip club.

Danny: ...you know, you don't need to go there everytime we talk...especially if it is over phone.

Rusty: Ya, but I find it helps to keep our conversations less obvious.

Danny: Oh okay. Later.

Danny hangs up and pulls into a hotel. He gets out, he checks the number of the hotel and then his key. He walks to his room and opens the door.

Danny: OH MY GOD!

Tess and the hotel owner are seen doing it doggy style on a bed. She is into it and the man is shouting. Danny shuts the door. He looks shocked, before looking at his key, finding out he was at the wrong door.

Danny: How did my key even work?

He walks to his room, jealousy obviously enveloping him. He gets in and shuts the door. A computer system is set up with screens and a microphone ready to go. He sits down and is puts on the microphone, setting up his station.

Danny: I am going to steal from the hotel owner.

Rusty: (On microphone) What?

Danny: Nothing...let's do this!

Scene Six

Danny: All stations live?

Rusty: Yup, on your call our technician will shut off the world's power.

Danny: Won't that shut ours off too?

Rusty: No we are all running on batteries.

Danny: Hit it.

A loud noise is heard and all lights and televisions go off. Panic goes throughout cities and Danny is pleased.

Technician: Sir...uh, we are having some problems.

Danny: What?!

Technician: Well, you said you wanted complete darkness...but apparantly the sun isn't powered.

Danny: DAMNIT! Set the bombs anyways.

Rusty: You sure?

Danny: YES!

Moment of silence. Screens go to different locations of people setting bombs by the pyramids, then people realizing what they are doing and catching them.

Rusty: All of our men have been caught.

Danny: Damn it...

Rusty: What should we do?

Danny: Gather the guys, we have one more plan to go through with.

Rusty: Sir, all of our guys have just been caught planting bombs. They are undoubtly being sent to maximum security prisons as we speak.

Danny: Oh...well that kinda blows...