User:Sycamore/UnBooks:A Toffs Guide to Gifting a Lady

A precious gift. Remember not to get get stingy with your outlay, and get her a necklace that goes all the way around...

This book has been compiled in response to copious queries addressed to the author. I have lost track of the times I have been asked "good sir, this year I have deigned to remember my good lady's birthday, I have bought her a card, yet I have not the faintest idea what gift should accompany it. What, praytell, is a gift that will achieve the twin goals of thrilling her and also getting me a shag out of the deal?" This is a fine question, and one deserving of a fine answer. To whit, the one that shall follow.

It is true that ladies are a notoriously difficult group to buy gifts for; however, as this is a guide for gentlemen, who must by definition be sufficiently well-off to be able to afford any manner of outlay, it becomes of the highest import that one seeks to buy only gifts that would be equally as fitting for one's own mother as the lady one is courting. If one is in doubt, enquire of a friend in relation to it: "old chum, about my mother - would you give her one?" If the answer is "yes", it is probably safe to give the gift to the target of your affections.

David Cameron himself has cited this guide as being "hugely influential", and "one of the best things I've read", and he even advises those of the lower orders to obtain a copy and treasure it - as something to aspire to, should they ever escape the grinding poverty he is attempting to forced them into. He apparently gives his wife a pearl necklace every day if he can manage it, and also gets another generous member of his cabinet to up her protein count at the same time.

Showing One's Class

It is vital, my friends, to carefully select a gift to match one's intentions toward the good lady, whilst simultaneously hinting at one's class and boundless wealth. The ideal gift will thus overwhelm the object of one's affections to the point that she has her elegantly tailored skirt around her earholes and her ankles further apart than Oxford and Cambridge almost without thinking.

To this end, I humbly offer the following selection of suggestions. Please feel free to treat these as a mere starting point: if you think long and hard enough, you should come up with ideas of your own, and these more than anything I can suggest should secure your yacht a secure berth in her harbour.

Miscellaneous lady gift examples

David 'Dave C' Cameron frantically attempts to show how Clarissa Dickinson massaged his prostate while managing to reach around and wank him off. He elucidates that watching his wife masturbate on the other side of the bed made it the most intense sexual experience that he's ever had whilst eating digestives and ordering a kashmir sweater from Boden. The mental image of this can never leave you.

It can be hard to maintain one's composure when a lady can fit so much into her ,,,

“ I remember when Camilla and me first did oral, we were the talk of the town and I had to tell mummy that I discovered Sushi and could not get enough, First it started with the fingers and I thought, Oh diddles, my finger smells of fanny. Then the next day I oh diddles again, My fist smells of fanny. On the third day I smelled the air, and thought, oh Dr. Seuss my head smells of Cunt! ”

The Pearl Necklace

A pearl necklace is one of the finest presents a chap can bestow upon the object of his desires. It is often incorrectly asserted that diamonds are a girl's best friend, and certainly no lady will complain at receiving them, but a pristine pearl necklace she will never forget. One way of ensuring you can provide a full necklace if you are struggling is to get your chums to chip in. Remember: Eton fellows don't need much persuading to contribute to a good pearl necklace!

Providing one can prove difficult, as the true connoisseur knows that a properly-prepared pearl necklace requires control and timing - one cannot simply toss one off. Just remember that a lady will think less of you if you fail to provide a necklace when she requests one (and as women employ the underhand art of "subtlety", it can be difficult to tell when they are so doing). You'll find no tips in your mother's copy of Mrs Beeton's, I can assure you of that! Although I digress...

Getting a Bukkake

“ What's a 'Bukkake' dear? ”

You may not have heard of this, but undoubtedly you shall, and this may be to your advantage - after all, ladies like the thrill of the new, and being the first among their social group to be gifted something new and unknown carries serious social cachet. If she is open to new experiences, and of a gregarious nature, this could be the very thing for your good woman.

Providing a lady with one of these is, however, by necessity a messy and dirty process that some may consider almost degrading, although any woman who'll soon be managing your large estate should be amply used to such things. If she refuses to participate in such activities with your friends, it may be considered a warning that perhaps she isn't a lady that can be depended upon to get her hands dirty, in the way we fellows in the upper echelons of the army or the banking sector can.

You'll need your chums to really help you show how much you care in this instance, making this a glorious sharing experience. If you find performing in company trying, you could always sing an entire Gilbert and Sullivan operetta to put you and the chaps at ease, which works well whilst performing a Bukkake with ones fellow Bullingdon club members.

The hypothetical Mexican mustachio

Sometimes gifts can take a strange form that a lady might never have thought of, but might be pleased to receive. One must wipe some a lady's dirt on the said lady's upper lip. Have to make sure a lady is ready for this. I always grab a lady by th hair and drag her up the stairs. After the basics move on to giving her this. Importantly do not try to do this whilst at tea or at rest by the piano. You'll ruin your reputation with perversity, that's if anyone finds out of course!

This crude one is not to be tried with the upper classes, however if you pick up some slag from London, then i can only wish you well, i remember on my last trip with a good friend of mine, one Eddie Carstairs and he introduced me to a charming young 'lady' called Netta longdon and we made sweet love, the little strumpet, I did this with her, and she liked it....

Gifts for her Lady Garden

Many ladies will appreciate gifts and decoration for their gardens, but it should also be considered good sport to lend her a hand within what is frequently hard labour. For those with green fingers, many will be thankful for your attention as you turn over her soft loam, or neatly trim her hedge.

The finest and most preferable is a plant from Brazil, however most well bred women will go with the buckwheat. It's just something that a gentleman has to live with, one can't be seen humping yahoos. At best plan to have a a heavily trimmed, but don't hold out for a shaving rash, which in all honesty is a bit gross.

A Russian Beauty Mask

Known by the plebs as the Russian gas mask this gift is most difficult to achieve, one must place one's pill in a lady's nostrils, insert ones lad into the mouth and fart in the face.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try, again is Roger Scruton's maxim, and its one you should hold true to as well.

A most difficult one to do unless one finds an easy strumpet to seduce to give her one of these, however most schlors will say that a lady of financial destituition will certianly entertain your needs

Shower her with precious metals

Gold, most obviously. However you might also try some refreshing urine, its sterile you know and it will really press home the value you place on the quality you think of the young lady you've bedded. Showing appreciation is most important and is probably the most important part of propriaty and decency in upper class courtship. So gents, pants down and giver her a good dowsing!

Of course a man dowsing lady cannot make up the old fashioned voyeurism of watching a lady relieve herself - something you used to watch Mummy do!

Scottish Pornography

“ Gae on, dae us a fart ye bitch! ”

These strange commie people are always a great pastime for ladies who are fascinated by their frightening and strange culture. Notable exports come from Glasgow where no holds are placed on fake tan, fat chicks and Old Firm underwear.

Other distinctive characteristics include an affection for the "Mystery" of the ginger ladies which will entice even the most effeminate fo men.

Adult Baby minding and your in-laws

Your lady friend will probably want these with the gift, yes I know it's unrefined to speak of these things, but she won't be wanting some web-toed furry buck toothed posh abomination will she?

Always tricky these days as things are more open and the PC brigade are never too far behind. But hope remains, once you've married the little wench or princess depending on her lineage.

Its always a real benefit to bring in all of the 'harder' stuff. Isn't it great doing period play with your in laws whilst ones genitals are being dowsed in Talcum powder. Finish it off with a good game of Polo or a whine about property in Dubai.

Horses

Ladies always love a horse to ride and become special friends with. This will stretch a lady out, keeping her loose and supple, but those riding pants will outline the buttocks pleasantly. A horse are also a must have accessory for a rich bitch without a brain, especially the ones that went to the best finishing schools where they were taught pronunciation as though they are holding a stallion sized testicle in their mouths when they talk. Frequently they can be heard at all the finest social gatherings, quaffing quality champagne and discussing saddle-sores from riding "Rupert".

Conclusion

“ Ladies, no hardsports please in the master bedroom... ”

Great practice as they will being able to tell you what ladies like and don't like, also you may find that women are difficult to find based on you going to a boys only school. The end result should always be a happy couple, with one degraded lady being able to enjoy the common pleasures of a wench and a gent living out his fantasies and weekend life during the week.

Of course always have a a fine Scotch Whisky at the ready to work out those aches and pains afterwards...

At the end of the day you know where you are with a man, and it's a much easier job than the ladies. After all who cares if you come in a minute in and a half of sexual ecstasy? Not a true gentleman, I assure you!