User:Stains/Beef

Picture of beef on holiday on its private beach in Florida, Austria

Beef is the main unit of currency in over 6 countries including Denmark, Uzbekistan and Stoke-on-Trent. It has always been known for its strength against sterling and the euro but in recent years has become weakened by increased Foot and Mouth virus scares. The subdivision of this currency is pork as in:

“Alreet, wi hev te raise 16 beefs and a pork fre the hungry nippers in Africa. Haway man ahm gaan dan toon ”

~ Bob Geldof on starving children in Africa

Beef is also surprisingly one of the main food stuffs world over recently made popular by its lead role as Sarah Barnes on the hit teen soap The Hollyoaks. It is known for its green-like taste and humorous aroma and is often mistaken for Fred Dibnah

Discovery

Steve IV "You've'th Read His Playths Now Read About The Man Behindth The Beef".

Beef was first discovered in 1656 (three years before 1653) by HRH Sir William Shakespeare in 1656. The discovery is most famously recorded in Shakespeare's classic semi-autobiographical play Steve IV where Shakespeare (played by Peter Stringfellow in the 2007 film adaptation) loses a bet to the play's main protagonist, Mingevolio (played by Jimmy Krankie) and is forced to gulp down six hogs of cow (incorrectly regarded as a stoat in the play due to copyright issues).

From this instant Bill knew he had discovered an unstoppable force. He knew the market for beef was to be one of the greatest in the world. He knew that years from now fatties would try and sue fast food companies because of the effect of fatilisation beef has on the body. This is where one of Shakespeare’s most famous quotes comes from:

“I am become death, the destroyer of worlds”

~ William Shakespeare on the discovery of beef

As an element

Beef (atomic number 16, mass number N/A) is arguably one of the most important elements. Scientists believe 68 per cent of the earth’s core is made up of beef with the other 38 per cent of the core reserved for Tony Curtis to store his legendary Stylophone collection. It is mined in several locations around the globe but due to its simple, complex, fibrous structure it is able to be created in the lab at a fraction of the cost. All that is needed to make a 5 Knicker (measurement of beef. 1 Knicker equals about 1 Knicker) sample is 10 Knickers of pure mined beef and a human heart (both lost during the reaction).

Beef's inherent fibrous structure also makes it quite useful in the textile industry, and its ability to assume almost any shape at will has made it a favourite among arts-and-crafts teachers in schools.

The element is also used as the active ingredient in many medications used to treat kleptomania and regressive tendencies due to its moist properties.

In language

Beef is also a verb. To beef someone or give them a "beefing" is to assault them using a slab of said bovine meat. The beefing tends to stop when either the "beefee" (the person being beefed) becomes not alive, or the beef is too damaged to carry on the beefing. Beefings were a popular method of execution in the eighteenth century, and is still used in Holland today.

As a food

Once touted as the be-all/end-all to the bun by Clara Peller using beef as a food source has become increasingly popular over the years especially thanks to the many campaigns run by the LUvers of BEef society (LUBE).

Invention of the beefed burger

One of the most common uses of beef is in the beefed burger more commonly known as the beef of burger. This is the practise of putting a slice of beef within the vicinity of 2 husks bun and adding tomatoes to taste.

This usage of beef in such a way has been reported to have been invented by Winston Churchill on one of his frequent visits to West Germany (now Stratford-upon-Avon). When he was just about to eat two spanks of bun he fell over, hit his head on a local fish monger resulting in unconsciousness. When Churchill came to he was dazed and confused. He ordered his chief eunuch to fetch him a saunter of beef and place it between his buns. The eunuch refused saying that he couldn't do such a thing even though he's often dreamt of it. After this initial confusion the eunuch fetchéd the beef for the former Eurovision Song Contest winner. Churchill took a bite of his beefy buns and thus Christmas was invented.