User:Solar penguin/UnBooks:Book of Revelation

Chapter 1

1. The Revelation of Cyborg Jesus, which God gave him to show to his servants things which must shortly come to pass, and by "shortly" I mean "not for another two thousand years at least".
2. And he sent and signified it by his angel unto his servant John, because I'm special and you're not!
3. Blessed is he that reads, and they that hear the words of this prophecy: for the time is at hand. And by "at hand" I mean "not for another two thousand years at least, probably longer". So you can see, we've really not got much time left.
4. John to the seven churches which are in Asia: To whom it may concern. Dear sir/madam, Grace be unto you, and peace, from him which is, and which was, and which is to come; and from the seven Spirits which are before his throne;
5. And from Jesus Christ, who is the faithful witness, and the first begotten of the dead, and the prince of the kings of the earth. To him that loved us, and washed us from our sins in his own blood, because it's cheaper than detergent, even if it does leave a nasty red colour behind.
6. And has made us kings and priests unto God and his Father; to him be glory and dominion for ever and ever. Amen. So, you'd better do as I say, because I say he's made me king around here, got it? Amen.
7. Behold, he comes with clouds, scattered showers, and occasional sunny intervals following a ridge of high pressure sweeping in off the ocean; and every eye shall see him, and they also which pierced him: and all kindreds of the earth shall wail because of him. Even so, Amen.
8. "I'm not a man, just a couple of Greek letters," says the Lord, which is, and which was, and which is to come, the Almighty. But then he often talks nonsense like that.
9. I John, who also am your brother, and companion in tribulation, and in the kingdom and patience of Jesus Christ, was on a Club 18:30 holiday in the isle that is called Patmos.
10. I was in the Spirit on the Lord's day, and heard behind me a great voice, as of a trumpet,
11. Saying, "I'm not a man, just a couple of Greek letters," and, "What you see, write in UnBooks, and also send it as spam to all the Christians in the seven churches of Asia; to Eurostar, and to Smirnoff, and to Purgatory, and to Theatres, and to Sardines, and to Philadelphia, and to Boadicea."
12. And I turned to see the loony who was speaking such nonsense. And being turned, I saw seven golden candlesticks;
13. And in the midst of the seven candlesticks, I saw one of the Jesii, clothed with a dress and a golden girdle. He looked really, really, really gay.
14. His head and his hairs were white like wool, as white as snow; and his eyes were firing cool, death-ray, laser-vision beams everywhere;
15. And his feet were made of brass, but he was human from the ankles up; and his voice as the sound of many waters.
16. And he had in his right hand seven stars: and he was practising a sword swallowing act with a two-edged sword: and his countenance was as the sun shineth out of his arse.
17. And when I saw him, I fell at his feet as dead. And he laid his right hand upon me, saying to me, "Fear me; I am Cyborg Jesus, you sucker:
18. "I am so cool, I never even lose my keys.
19. "Anyway, I'm hiring you as my a secretary, so start taking notes now!
20. "The mystery of the seven stars which you saw in my right hand, and the seven golden candlesticks. The seven stars are the angels of the seven churches: and the seven candlesticks which you saw are the seven churches. But I ain't explaining the sword-swallowing schtick for you!"

Chapter 2

1. "Now take a letter to an angel, and not just any angel, but the angel of the church of Eurostar. Write: 'These things are from he that holds the seven stars in his right hand, who walks in the midst of the seven golden candlesticks;
2. " 'I know your works, and your labour, and your patience, and how you can't bear broccoli; and you have been smart enough to work out that the apostles are all liars:
3. " 'And you're not some wimp that goes round fainting all the time.
4. " 'But I still think you're an evil bastard for dumping your girlfriend like that!
5. " 'Remember, you're just a fallen angel, and I'm Cyborg Jesus, so behave, or I'll shove one of these candlesticks up your arse!
6. " 'BTW keep up the good work on the anti-nicotine campaign.
7. " 'And remember, eavesdropping is good!'
8. "Now type a letter to another angel who lives in the church of Smirnoff.
9. " 'Dear angel who lives in the church of Smirnoff, I know your works, and tribulation, and poverty, (No, wait, that's not you, you're not poor, you're rich. Shit! So much for my reputation of being omniscient!) and I know the blasphemy of them who say they are Jews, but they're really the synagogue of Satan.
10. " 'BTW good news. You're going to be locked up and tortured.
11. " 'And remember, eavesdropping is good!'
12. "Now take a letter for the angel who lives in the church of Purgatory. 'Dear angel who lives in the church of Purgatory, I've been practising my sword swallowing routine.
13. " 'Watch out, because I know who you are, and where you live. Obviously. I also know where Satan's arse is, but that's a private matter between me and him, so forget I mentioned it, ok?
14. " 'Anyway, I'm pissed off with you, because you've been encouraging people to do evil things like having sex and eating food, just like that ass Balham.
15. " 'And you've turned them into a bunch of nicotine addicts too.
16. " 'Repent, or I'll kill you with the sword from my sword swallowing act. And you really don't want that, coz it's covered in saliva and all sorts of icky mucus.
17. " 'And remember, eavesdropping is good!'
18. "Now take a letter to the angel who lives in a theatre. 'Dear angel, I'm a cyborg with metal feet, and I can fire death-ray laser-vision beams from my eyes.
19. " 'I know your works, and your charity, and your service, and your works, and your faith, and your patience, and your works; and also your works.
20. " 'But that's not important right now. You've been allowing that jezebel Jezebel to encourage people to have sex and eat food too.
21. " 'Really, what is it with all you people having sex and eating?
22. " 'Anyway, unless Jezebel stops having sex with people, I'll punish her and her followers by giving them a great big bed to hold their orgies on. That'll show them.
23. " 'Umm... hang on. That won't work will it? Ok, I'll stone her children to death then. After all, it's their fault their mother's a nymphomaniac, right? So they're the ones who should be executed for it, right?
24. " 'Okay maybe not. But I will find a way to punish her somehow.
25. " 'Just give me time to think of it.
26. " 'Anyway, keep up the good work, and I'll make you Emperor,
27. " 'And then you'll be able to do cool Emperor-style things, like bashing people's heads in with a metal rod.
28. " 'I'm also going to give you the planet Venus as your own personal plaything.
29. " 'And remember, eavesdropping is good!' "

Chapter 3

1. "And to the Angel who lives in the the church made of sardines, write: 'Dear angel, I've watched The Legend of the Seven Golden Vampires, and I know you're one of the undead.
2. " 'Watch out, and get ready to die along with everyone else.
3. " 'And if you don't watch out, I'm going to mug you!
4. " 'That made you shit your pants, didn't it? Well, tough! Only people with clean underwear can walk with me.
5. " 'BTW here's a handy fashion tip: White is this year's black.
6. " 'And remember, eavesdropping is good!'
7. "And to the angel of the church in Philadelphia write: 'Dear angel, I'm holy and I'm cool and I can find other people's lost keys for them.
8. " 'But leave your door open so you don't need to worry about losing your keys in the first place.
9. " 'Evil, devil-worshipping Jews always give the best foot massages, so I'm gonna hire some for you.
10. " 'But I'll have to be quick, because the world is gonna end real soon.
11. " 'Just over 2,000 years to go, and then it'll all be over.
12. " 'And when that happens, I'll reward all the good Christians by turning them into pillars forever, so they won't be able to move at all ever again.
13. " 'And remember, eavesdropping is good!'
14. "And to the angel of the church of Boadicea write: 'Dear angel, I like to say Amen a lot.
15. " 'I'm sorry to hear that your thermostat is working perfectly.
16. " 'The trouble is now you're just the right temperature that makes me spit instead of swallowing when we have oral sex.
17. " 'And besides, you haven't checked your bank balance recently.
18. " 'Don't forget: white is still this year's black. It beats being naked anyway.
19. " 'I enjoy BDSM.
20. " 'Knock knock. Who's there? God. God who? Godda dance, godda dance!
21. " 'Ok, so that joke wasn't funny, but you can sit on my lap if you like.
22. " 'And remember, eavesdropping is good!'"